|Reviews for Harry Potter and the Veela Life Debts|
| gohan21 chapter 1 . 2/28
please continue writing it's a good story
| RykOakwine chapter 16 . 1/26
The Beauxbatons Champion dropped her wand AND fainted in a life or death situation.
The Dementors jumped them all and got that close before anyone could do anything?
And Fleur not only incompetently dropped her wand, she FAINTED.
Um, is this *supposed* to be a Fleur bash fic?
| RykOakwine chapter 14 . 1/26
So far this story is entertaining, the writing style is good, the author does a decent job of making the scenes move.
This chapter brings one flaw in the author's storytelling to a crisis, imo.
In a story which is about Harry and his life bond with two sex toys/witches (yes, the genre says adventure romance, but the reader is here for the romance) the author is making the (very common) error of thinking the reader is here for information about Harry's pistol marksmanship or Fleur's security detail.
It's terribly tempting to include the stuff you spent so much time researching, such as jogging routes and a reasonable training regimen for a 15 year old Harry. Very very tempting. And you *should* include it, as *flsvoring*. And only flavoring.
In this chapter we start off with Harry and Gabriel, the morning after Harry and Gabriel lose their individual virginities. A momentous occasion for anyone and certainly for an unloved teenager who'd never even kissed a girl before this summer.
Harry spends less time on that subject the he spends on hand to hand combat.
He knows Fleur is going to experience something over the bond. Does he talk to her before? After? He doesn't even greet her at breakfast the next morning.
Does Gabriel talk to her the next morning? No. She talked to her the night before, in a remarkably cold conversation on both sides.
Fleur "I'll get out of the way, I'm not ready."
Gabrielle "Okay, see ya!"
Does the author really mean to tell us his characters are really so cold and casual? That Harry isn't dwelling on the sex all day? That no one made very sure Fleur knew she was still loved?
But the author gets caught up in writing about the stuff that's only supposed to be flavor and omits the bones of the chapter in his haste to talk about the flavor.
Someone advised me once about a similar issue with my Sekirei story. He told me your readers aren't here for the detailed plans for avoiding MBI's security or for long discussions about how hard it is to rent an apartment in Tokyo. Lots of them are skimming that stuff and if it's multiple paragraphs they'll soon realize they are skimming your whole story. They're looking for the next part about your characters relationship (you'd better hope that's what they are there for) and maybe the part that actually advances the plot.
I started playing attention to my own reading and realized he was right.
This chapter is all flavor, with only a smidgen of what matters. The initial thoughts from Harry about last night. The physical reaction to Tonks (though grossly out of place, he just boned a VEELA the night before in his firs ever, he's not eyeballing Tonks the next morning, unless he's a world class cad). The final cliffie with the phone call.
Those are the entirety of what matters in the whole chapter.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess the author isn't working from an outline of his story. If he was, he'd be more likely to notice "well crap, only three plot points, I should add some more or fill in some more dialogue at least with Fleur..."
Good story so far, but this issue got critical in this chapter, so thought I'd toss a floatation device at least. :)
Now, off to the next chapter!
| Guest chapter 28 . 1/14
over a year has gone by please update
| Guest chapter 28 . 12/30/2014
could you update it has been a year and I would like to read another chapter
| Guest chapter 28 . 11/9/2014
where is the next chapter I have been waiting on it for almost a year do not abandon this like so many do
| Guest chapter 9 . 10/22/2014
Thank you god, Jesus, and the author for not including herpeione in the relationship... Heh, I said herpeiones lol
| Overide22 chapter 28 . 10/21/2014
Light hearted story that is really entertaining.
| Guest chapter 28 . 10/20/2014
I know you don't update often but hurry up with the next chapter
| Zauber chapter 18 . 10/4/2014
When you were calculating Harry's money, did you take into account inflation? From 1995 to 2014, USD was devalued by 64% (I couldn't find data for the change in the pound, but I think it was a little higher actually). Not to mention, fluctuations in the price of gold. So if you convert the current value of the Harry Potter merchandising empire into galleons you'll get the wrong number - first because the number of pounds would have been less then to reach the same value, and then also because the ratio of galleons to pounds would have been different. You seem to want to be really accurate on this, so I just thought I'd point it out - you're 8th richest man record is probably way, way, off. ;D
| Illuviar chapter 28 . 9/19/2014
Amazing story! More chapters please!
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/8/2014
Please please update this is one if m y favorite stories ever please
| Lord Dream chapter 28 . 9/7/2014
Gets a bit silly in some parts, but instead of taking from the story, it only adds to it. Nicely done.
| 44leroylamark chapter 7 . 8/31/2014
Мэри Сью.Пока.Будем пглядеть.
| SuperVegitoFAN chapter 28 . 8/29/2014
You are currently in a 9mth break. Hopefully this one aint permanent