|Reviews for Bicycle|
| Talon Silverwolf chapter 4 . 12/29/2009
Looking good so far. Here's my take:
You have a problem with slipping from past tense and present tense once in a while but it's not drastic. I noticed it at least two or three times in the last chapter.
It would be interesting for them to actually see Ky use his thunder magic in front of them. He doesn't always use it with his sword.
| Talon Silverwolf chapter 2 . 12/27/2009
The beginning scene was really confusing. At first it starts out as a normal Ky and Dizzy fight, but in the end it suddenly jumped into the other parallel Ky. It could have been written differently so the reader isn't as confused...like me.
I saw some grammar errors that can be corrected.
Also, when we do get to GG Ky into the other parallel world, the staff wouldn't be chasing after him, the security would. I would think Ky would be more confused...almost panicked, really, especially when he saw an actual working car since in the GG world they don't exist due to they were banned because of the pollution they created.
| Talon Silverwolf chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
I'm very neglectful when it comes to reviews. But...
I like this idea. I always wanted to see something with other dimentions. I like that sort of stuff, like seeing your other half in another world. Well...
I thought there were a few unnecessary adjectives at first. Some people do it, so don't be afraid that you're the only one. There is another way you can do it, either cut the word out or SHOW what you mean. For example:
"It was the early afternoon, and a very hot sunny day." Kinda boring? You can show how hot it was by perhaps mentioning actually seeing heat waves or feeling the heat. Maybe the car's AC was on Max. Or just leave it at that. Simple can be just fine. You don't have to go all out.
| GottvonHoff chapter 4 . 11/14/2009
Nice chapter! I finally got a great deal of sense as to why was Ky trapped in a parallel world. And as always, seeing the name 'Goodguy' never fails to crack a smile in my face! I can only imagine what would you do next. Keep it up!
| Kenanners chapter 4 . 11/10/2009
Ah, sorry it took so long to get in this review. I just didn't have enough time to get it typed in at school so I copied your story, brought it to my house, and reviewed this on my own computer. Well now, I must get on with my review other than rambling on and on about my personal life so lets get to it shall we? (By the way, since I'm at home, I'll be able to type you a lengthy, more indepth review! I'm just that lifeless!)
Remember on the first chapter where I commented on it being a little shaky at the scene where the canon Ky awoke? Well, it happened again but you can still fix it in few minute's time. In fact, its at the very starting of the story, mainly during the flashback to be exact. All it is is accidental usage of the wrong words like using 'know' when it should be 'now' or forgetting to capitalize after a semicolon or forgetting to add a question mark. All and all, these flaws hardly extend out of this small segment of the story so it should be easy to clean up. (I'm guessing you were a bit tired when you typed that...) Anyways, just clean it up and it'll be excellent. When it came to the 'dinner' part of the chapter, I must admit this; you're very, very clever about your humor Dancel! Poor ol' Ky can't tell whats Instant Soup? Huh... who would've thought? Ahem, the way they laughed at him as he just sat there, completely unknowing why they did so, was genius! (...And rather cruel. Ky just can't get a break now can he?) Anywho, the moment added flavor to the fic and showed the readers how different the two worlds were, even if it was a rather minor event.
Now, onto the main point of this chapter, the explaination of the two worlds. The way you said Ky's world was filled with Dragons, Sea Monsters, and even Ailens was absurdly funny. Aria's shock after hearing that was pretty close to how most normal humans would've reacted. Their eyes would grow large and their mind would turn to mush with perplexment, just like what she did. Now, I like the word choice you made (Metaphysical, particles, etc.) but sometimes it just flatout threw me for a loop. (Space-time reality dimension contiwhAT?) But perhaps you were trying to purposely trying to addle the reader's mind with their science? I dunno. The one thing that confused me was how in the world was Dizzy allowed to get in the medical room if her parents couldn't? Some insight would help out the reader or I just might be wrong. Maybe she came when he was in the midst of awakening? Or maybe the doctors changed their mind? Yet again, I'll say what I said before. I dunno.
Now, as you know, the dialog was obviously the main attraction inside this chapter and with it, came a blessing. It was overall soild and I didn't see many problems with it. Sol's and Aria's personalites were boldly shown as they argued, fought, and cut each other off. Dizzy's shy mind is also correct while Ky's thoughts are also strong. The main problem for me; however, was the three dots. (Forgot what they were called. Sorry! I think they were called ellipses or somethin' like that...)
Sometimes I saw this: "..."
Now, this isn't really needed and could easily be replaced by 'Ky remained quiet.' or 'Ky folded his arms and thought to himself as they continued.' That was the only real problem for me in the dialog and other than that, it was completely fine. But like I did in "Babel Knows Nothing," you used too many of the three dots, especially when Aria DID ask Ky about the UFOs. This should be switched when you have free time.
But before I go... *Slams face into the ground on purpose and lifts it up* I must apologize for what I said in the last review I gave on this story (Chapter 3 to be exact.) because when I said Venom 'won,' *Face-palm* I just got my words all jumbled up. I had to finish up my editing on my review and I wound up replacing a misspelled 'lose' with 'win' in my panic. *Double face-palm* Sorry Dancel!
*Wipes off a bead of sweat* Jeez, this has to be the longest review I've typed in my life! Well, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter and if you want me to, I can do all of my reviews this length! (...Because I have no life.) 0_o
| K Double Prime chapter 4 . 11/9/2009
this sounds a bit like teleportation, which philosophers still contemplate even today. also that dreams are a glimpse of another world. i just love it! METAPHYSICS hurray! (I took that subject, it was fun. you should too; the class code in our campus is Philo 130 XD)
equipment is always singular even if what you refer to is a lot of it n_n
“Unfortunately, it seems that being too attached to your other self might...make you...attached to your other self...spiritually, thus, people become insane...”
-I'm a bit confused by this sentence, maybe because of the choice of words or mistype, maybe rephrasing it is good.
Certainly, this chapter is a lot better than the others and your hard work paid off! I hope you continue with this enthusiasm you have, because I might be absent on making fics for a while (concentrating on my fanart), so please give me inspiration with your work!
| K Double Prime chapter 3 . 11/9/2009
yes, I understand your feelings for the typhoon Ondoy victims and I sympathize with them.
Anyway, here's my review.
Again, I really like the main thought of having two different Kys, being on two different worlds and having been switched, because it's unique and has a wide horizon where in you can experiment spontaneously. Two thumbs up for the story! Also your idea of two parallel existences having different personalities is also a plus.
Now, the only problem is the mistyped words; sometimes they give the impression of being redundant or grammatically wrong. A little patience goes a long way, especially if you're proof reading. (I feel like I said this to you a long time ago. Did I?)
Well, I guess that's all.
| Dizzy-Kiske chapter 4 . 11/7/2009
I absolutely love this story!
I'll tell that although I haven't been on fanfic, I have
been reading this fanfiction every time on my PSP (does that sound creepy? I hope not )
I love how both Ky's are both clueless in their own world.
It's also interesting to see the two different Dizzys too!
The Dizzy in the real world seems a tad bit more childish than the Dizzy in the GG world. Well to me, the Dizzy in the GG world
has to be more mature since mentally she is probably 21.
"She's still a baby!" - FTW! love that quote!
I really can't wait to see what happens to the other Ky TT~TT
poor, poor Ky TT~TT
| GottvonHoff chapter 3 . 10/30/2009
Okay. "Sol (err, Mr. Goodguy rather) sucking a round red candy" definitely made me start laughing from there. And I can't stop laughing, 'cause it's just wrong in eight different ways. I mean, 'candy-sucking Sol' is just so hard to comprehend; it's hard to imagine it 'right'. Not to mention 'rich-guy Sol' or Sol's house having a Chocobo...
...And Venom losing a billiards tournament! Man, I can't wait to see just how messed up this alternate universe is! Looking forward to more!
| Kenanners chapter 3 . 10/29/2009
Another chapter, another review! (Thats what I say anyway...) Onto what you're obviously reading this for!
Out of the three chapters, this one takes the cake in tension and humor. Letting the reader watch Sol 'Goodguy' (Just wait a second... Gotta get rid of some chuckles.) walk into his house and revealing Aria as his wife was excellent, definitely when Aria smacks him with a pan. (I guess slapstick is still my favorite thing in the world... Man, I'm immature! ...And lazy! Don't forget I'm lazy!) Ahem, onto the true review.
Now, there was one thing I noticed that was rather off. The Ky in the canon world seems to be a little ignored in the chapter and his role is apparently just getting the absolute crap beat out of him. Here he is, trying to save a girl, and gets smacked around both physically and mentally. It does show Dizzy's kindness, however; when she tries to defend the unknown Ky so I guess that helped it. Also, Testament is spot on when it comes down to his character personality, much to my delight.
Well, speaking of the Kys, the situation the Ky has in inside the Goodguy home is hilarous, especially when I saw the two commericals for Millia (She's now a harlot in my book!) and Venom winning the pool tournament. (Still wondering what his first name is...) When I saw he had awakened from a month long coma, I was rather surprised when I thought back and saw that he demolished an entire room in the hospital, ran off with Dizzy, and was able to remember everything from the other world, all the while recovering from a coma! Jeez! Did he just recover like that or what? (Don't worry, I'm not saying it was a bad thing, I'm just saying he had to be really tough to perform such an act.)
I was going to mention about what happened and where Ky 'went' when the cameras arrived but I've grown sick of spoilers in reviews (Trust me, I've found several stories ruined by reviews that can't shut their mouths.) so I'll just say, "Very, very clever thinking Danceljoy!"
So, this chapter was quite a step up from the other two and I can't wait for the next chapter! It should be even better than this! (BTW, I feel the same about Blazblue. How could they do that and why hasn't Guilty Gear had a true sequel!) Keep your typing up Dancel!
| NeoCriMs0n chapter 3 . 10/29/2009
That was DEFINITELY a good chapter!
I DEFINITELY LOVE it!
Update soon! _
| Kenanners chapter 2 . 10/26/2009
For you, the second review! Hey, that rhymed! *Crickets chirping* ...I'll shut my trap on the humor for now. Now, the way you did this chapter was extremely similar to the last one but I'm not complaining. To me, its more of a good thing!
The absolute confusion flying through the two Kys' minds is well said and done and watching them try to make sense of the different Dizzys with their new personalites and bodies is fantastic in it's layout. Also, watching the goth kid (AKA, Testament) hold a deadly scythe to Ky like in his well thought out, "Garden of Adam and Eve," was entertaining as well.
I can see where you let your religous views help you on the writing by making sure to capitalize 'He' or 'His' and I like it. Ky is a Christian so where's the fan-fics around here involving his thoughts on the Heavens above? Anywho, I wanna see more of this here. (But thats only a personal opinion and I'm sure there is someone out there hatefully squinting at the mere mention of God's name.)
When I saw the canon Ky panic and completely mawl the doctor's room along with Crow, I couldn't help but utter a laugh. Who would've thought he'd go out cold with a single blow to the face? Now, I like the way you brought the chain of events together and I have no problem with it but I thought Crow could've taken more than one. (Then again, he is always hiding behind a robot Justice so that oughta explain his wimpy frame.)The way he also tugged Dizzy along for the ride was made well and I was rather surprised with her reaction to it all. And... And this brings me to the best part I loved in the entire chapter.
Everybody, here's... Goodguy!
Phew, I hate laughing at that! Its so simple yet genius in its thought!
Ahem, now since the happy hour has left me, I just wanted to point out something that was bothering me throughout the story. (I implore you! Its nothing serious at all!) As I was reading through the story over and over again, I found there were a couple of spots that could easily use a comma. ...And thats it. No more problems.
I liked... No, I LOVED this chapter and I have to see this to the end. I hope you can update soon! So I'll sit here, patiently waiting for the next chapter. (Or not so patiently.)
| Kenanners chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Well now, this is a rather odd event, now isn't it? Two similar Ky Kiskes switch places in the o-so different worlds... and I'm loving it.
The writing, overall, is relatively soild while the dialog follows suit. The idea is quite original and is a nice contrast to most fics.
I liked the story so far, mainly because of the two completely different worlds. One of them is a real, canon world while the other is completely unlike and original. (I laughed a bit when I realized Millia was supposedly on a billboard as a model. I could never imagine her doing that but... its a different world altogether!)
Nearing the late-middle of the story, I really liked the way you were bringing about the two Ky Kiskes' demise at the same time as it led to one heck of a climax at the end of the chapter, leaving me to desperately to want to read the next chapter! (BTW, I refuse myself to read the next chapter until I finish reviewing "Trade")
Some points; however, confused me. When Chipp apparently grabbed Dizzy, trying to steal from her, the adjectives used to tell the reader didn't really strike my mind. In fact, I was rather befuddled when it came to the description. But; yet again, maybe you didn't want the reader to know whom she was. All and all, I just found myself dazed at that moment. The ribbons; however, had thick clarity and I got the picture easily.
Another thing I found a bit wrong was the scene where Ky (Canon) woke up in the "PWAB." Now, it wasn't the scene's words or anything, it was just a few errors like "Felt (Ky) felt..." The scene was a little shaky but this can easily be edited out in a few, short minutes whenever you feel like it.
I love the story you're going with and I definitely look forward to reading Chapter 2 now. (I hope its KyxDizzy! ...Which, knowing you, will be!)
Now, onto the next chapter this Fan-fiction maker/reader/addict goes!
| K Double Prime chapter 2 . 10/2/2009
haha, how did Sol Badguy know he wasn't Ky? I mean the other Ky, uh, whatever. Never read something like this before, very very unique. But, a little patience on double-checking the story for minor errors does wonders and I know you'll do that in the next chap, you're danceljoy! Please continue!
| NiteRAId chapter 1 . 7/31/2009
Hi! It's NiteRAId from DA!
Sorry bout the delay on giving the review. been busy.
I like how the story is going! (no not because im biased with the Ky X Dizzy thing XD) but as i said before, you write fluently! it's quite interesting how the 2 alternate universes weave together through Ky and I do hope you elaborate that more in the upcoming continuations :D
I suggest including axl or bridget for more "interesting" and comic scenes XD
well, thats it for now ; Great job!