|Reviews for A Winner Is Two: Enforcer Mystique|
| avatarjk137 chapter 7 . 8/13/2010
Nice chapter. I particularly like the description of the fast, frenetic exchange of blows between Shadow and Kakashi. Mystique had some really clever moments as well, particularly impaling Kakashi's hand. The only thing that seemed out of place is Kakashi using the word 'bullshit' - he doesn't seem the type to use more than mild profanity.
| avatarjk137 chapter 6 . 5/6/2010
Wow. This was quite the battle. Really impressive work.
| avatarjk137 chapter 5 . 4/4/2010
Mystique's pretty jaded, not to visibly react at all when Death by Chocolate's nature is explained to her.
| avatarjk137 chapter 4 . 12/2/2009
Good work. I like the plot progression of where you're going with Mystique. Leroy's characterization was a bit unsatisfying; what you had was quite faithful, but it felt like you were going to go somewhere with it and then didn't. The action was good, and the kill was neat, although I had to read it a few times to fully get what happened. Grammar only had a few issues - primarily, one having to do with dialogue. If you end a spoken sentence with 'he said' or 'she yelled' or something like that, you don't have to start a new sentence for it. You can put a comma at the end of the sentence instead of a period (if it was a period - otherwise, leave it alone), and not capitalize the next word. It flows a little better; here's an example.
Your version: “I’ll get you.” It snarled and landed...
“I’m not a freak!” Yelled the koala-monster as it...
Other way: “I’ll get you,” it snarled and landed...
“I’m not a freak!” yelled the koala-monster as it...
The other grammatical stuff was mostly just a few missing commas and some odd word choices like "getting to its nerves" instead of "getting on its nerves." Good chapter overall - I think you would have won even if it hadn't been a concession.
| avatarjk137 chapter 3 . 11/29/2009
Good work. Although you beat Leroy by concession, I'll try to get a critique done for your fight chapter in the next couple of days.
| Clement Rage chapter 4 . 11/29/2009
You know, you seem to have a talent for impressive final lines. 'All she tasted was the victory'. Really conveys Mystique's motivation.
One piece of advice...when Mystique morphs, I think it'd have more impact if you drew out the process a bit more. Describe how she does the morphing, something like 'Mystique concentrated. She felt her limbs shrink and feathers suddenly sprout from her scalp. There was an instant's pain as her bone structure radically altered, and then an eagle took flight' That kind of thing. I think it might have more impact than 'Mystique morphed into...'
| avatarjk137 chapter 2 . 8/11/2009
| Clement Rage chapter 2 . 8/3/2009
Hm...Interesting. Don't worry about Robotnik's character, you had it more or less perfect. Cartoon characters aren't generally all that complicated. Klunk(it might be Clunk, I'm not sure, I've only ever heard it spoken) is grey and yellow with a red crest, but that's not a major problem. He doesn't speak as far as I know...He doesn't do much in the cartoon except perch on Robotnik's shoulder, kinda like the cat for that James Bond film. I should have described him, sorry. The Robotnik I was using was the cartoon from the early nineties, in case you were wondering where I got the robot parrot.
Ok, enough about me...very interesting battle, and good use of Robotnik's weapons. That 'molded scraps of metal' non-explosive was a very good idea, it's something I may plagiarise if I survive the battle.
Good use of animal forms and Mystique's acrobatics-generally a good, believable battle. I love your last line too-'a black raven against the black clouds' it really works to giveus a sense of foreboding about what's to come, neatly setting up future chapters. Great work and good luck.
| Clement Rage chapter 1 . 8/1/2009
Ops, never reviewed this. Very good descriptions and details-you were generous with displaying Mystique's powers and equipment. I don't know Sakyo or Ofdensen, but you gave them very detailed characterisations and that wasn't a hindrance as regards readability. Looking forward to your chapter. I posted mine, hope you don't mind. Mystique is very well drawn, and the anti-mutant really puts the reader into the world.
In summation, detailed and powerful thus far. I'll definately keep an eye on it. Good luck.
| avatarjk137 chapter 1 . 6/22/2009
Great work on this one. I liked all your characterization - Sakyo's, Jiraiya's, Ofdensen's, and of course Mystique's.