|Reviews for Shining Force Epilogue: The final mission|
| Demonic Weasel chapter 1 . 9/26/2009
Well, I've read this through a couple of times now, and I've been meaning to review for a while, so lets have at it!
To start with, there are a number of errors in the writing that Martin covered pretty thoroughly as far as I can see. The primary contention I have with his review is that I don't have a particular problem with Max/Mae.
It's not a pairing that I'm especially fond of either, though as one might suppose from glancing through my own fanfics, romance is not one of my particular interests in fanfiction generally. Of course, I agree that the mechancis of centaur/human copulation would be awkward, but if it works for the individuals then I'm going to assume that there's relatively little ostracization involved. I do have to say that Arthur/Anri comes out of nowhere, however.
On the whole, your dialogue is mixed, some of it being painfully childish and some of it being relatively natural. I like your interpertation of Gort in particular, and though Anri's actions don't make a good deal of sense, the way she's written isn't bad.
The plot's a little farfetched, but, unlike most stories that attempt to explain what happened to Max, you actually explain that mechanism that saved him. My favorite theory is still that after breaking loose, he used Adam as a raft, but you can't have everything.
Still, on the whole, it's nice to have another fanfic rather than to not have one, so, well done I say.
| Maximus Aureillus chapter 1 . 9/2/2009
Dude I'm tired of seeing Max/Mae relationship is sees Max as a brother figure.I talked with the guy who wrote the script for the original Shining Force series a few months ago(Can't say who,he told me not to tell anyone).He said that Max wasn't involved in any romantic relationships or had any interest in he did he'd have returned to Guardiana long before the events of the Final Conflict."And clearly they are like brother and sister'he said,"They even have similar names,is it that hard to figure out?"he asked me in overall human/centaur pairings creep me your story is by far the best and most decent I've read so far.A far better fic than that perv guy's story is a job well I'd like to say that if you do write further Shining Force fanfics try not squeeze in Max/Mae romance or any human/centuar pairings for that matter.
| Pleneko chapter 1 . 8/17/2009
The happy ending that every epic story needs, and well-written to boot. I like how you pretty much tied everything up, and there are only a few minor typos.
I do have one question: I played through the game pretty thoroughly, and I don't remember Alef. Is she an OC, or did I just miss her.
| TOK715 chapter 1 . 7/11/2009
Good story, grammar and spelling quibbles aside. Always glad to see a new SF1 fic pop up.
Unlike the long-winded reviewer before me, I don't mind the pairings at all. They make perfect sense to me : Max and Mae are connected by having been simultaneously charged with the mission to save Guardiana after Kaine kills Varios and King Guardiana ; Anri and Arthur were both Guardianans learning magic at Manarina ; and Lowe/Khris and Tao/Hans just seem to make sense.
So... cool story, and good explanation for Max being lost. There's no real way to fit a "Max gets found" story into the SF canon, since Gaiden 1 and 3 both imply that Max stays away from Guardiana for twenty years after SF1. But, heck, all fanfic is "alternate universe" to one degree or another, right? So you might as well tell the story you want to tell.
| Martin III chapter 1 . 7/7/2009
Hmm! Despite the relatively lively state of Shining fan fiction, this is the first SF1 fic in over 8 months. That's a sign of greater variety, I think, but it's still nice to see the disproportionately well-covered games in the series get new fics, and this story offers something no other SF1 fic has before. In light of that, and in light of the fact that you're obviously new to the writing game, I'll try to be gentle with my criticism. (And yes, I have praise for you, too. :) )
One problem is the abundance of run-on sentences. Run-ons are especially common in your dialogue, which you also frequently neglect to punctuate. You need to work on your basic grammar; it makes the whole thing look unprofessional. Also, Anri and Tao spend an awful lot of time sighing.
On to the story itself. It is obvious that you haven't played either of SF1's sequels(Shining Force CD and SF Gaiden:Final Conflict), but (sadly) that's a rather common problem. And on the plus side, only three things here completely contradict the other games in the series: Max abandoning the Chaos Breaker, Anri marrying Arthur, and Max marrying Mae.
Actually, you could say that Arthur and Mae both die a few years after this story, thus explaining why Anri and Max are single in the later games. But frankly, human/centaur mating is very disturbing anyway, and SF1 doesn't give any hint that the Shining Force are a bunch of perverts. Also, the actual romance between Max and Mae is completely flat and predictable, not convincing at all. More importantly, a human and a centaur can't have children together, so by marrying Arthur, Anri is willfully refusing to produce an heir to the throne. I can't believe the authorities in Guardiana would allow her to so callously betray her own people.
Actually, in general Anri is incredibly irresponsible in this story. She abandons her post as ruler of Guardiana on a mission that could leave Guardiana without a ruler, all just so that she can be one more person in an adventuring party of 15?
However, your handling of the characters as a whole is a lot better. You've clearly put good effort into giving each of the characters in the Shining Force their own personality, and it comes off well for the most part. Gort in particular is an excellent character. He's grouchy and impatient... but whatever bursts out of his mouth is always more sensible than anything the rest of the group has to say. It makes a great paradox to him. And I like how Domingo regards Mae as his "mom"; it fits his quirky origin well.
Another good touch to the variety of personalities is how much they differ in their willingness to believe that Max is alive. On that note, though, the lot of them coming all the way to Guardiana's capital without any clue why is a glaring flaw in the plot. There's no reason why Anri wouldn't just explain it all in the message she sent to them.
Besides the characters, the adventure makes a good story. I like bits like Tao using a little Blaze magic to get the knights to scatter out of the way. Great everyday fantasy. And the adventure is not too drawn-out, providing the Shining Force with a solid challenge in their search for Max before bringing things to a solid conclusion. The way they overcome the challenge makes sense, yet at the same time, we aren't left saying "If it was that easy, why didn't they do it before?"
Incidentally, your explanation for Max's survival is great, probably the best I've heard. And you remembered to explain why the underwater city is there in the first place, without which your explanation would be simply contrived.
Here are some of the little line-by-line problems. #1-4 are all run-on sentences.
1."Anri sighed and looked back out the window, Arthur followed her gaze"
2."“I’ve known you since we were kids, you don’t look sad unless you are so what’s wrong?”"
3."“She loved him, Arthur, she just didn’t get to tell him before it was too late”".
4."“It’s awfully quiet in here for a fire mage, you alright, Tao?”"
5."Anri sat on her thrown," Throne is misspelled in another spot, too.
6."“With all due respect, Queen Anri, I’m on my last hope and I’ve just got to keep believing”" The phrase "with all due respect" doesn't make any sense there, since Mae isn't saying anything controversial.
7."until 12 PM the next day" There are no clocks or watches in the Shining universe, and there's no reason for you to not just say "until midday".
8."As the shining force hit the shield and slid through the hole the magic casters had made." Sentence fragment.
This story is similar to the (thankfully now deleted) "Hero's Homecoming" by Jack in the Box, which also centered on Max reuniting with the Shining Force. The major differences are (1)yours is more of an adventure than a bunch of back-patting, (2)you have a sensible story to explain Max's survival and return, and (3)you don't make Max/Mae quite as creepy as Jack in the Box did. All in all, that's worthy of some praise. And on that note, I end this very, very long review.