|Reviews for Do You Still Remember|
| Dente-di-leone chapter 1 . 6/14/2014
Beautiful, yet so tragical. Love it
| so sad chapter 1 . 2/19/2014
This is actually a great poem but very sad. Anyway i think u did a great job
| Lost Tide and Sea Shells chapter 1 . 2/27/2012
I like the feeling of this - the repetition of "do you still remember?" and also the free-verse.
It could be better in some parts if you didn't alternate between very short and rather long lines (the shortest line has two syllables only, the longest I see right now has ten... a difference of up to four syllables works well, a difference of five is borderline, but everything above that doesn't work all that well IMO.) Also, some work on the punctuation could do this good, but I think Kaj-Nrig said enough about that before.
Anyway, I like this due to its emotionality; it's quite cute, and does the movie justice in its sense. Keep writing!
| VadeRetro chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
Ohhh that's so cute, thanks for sharing! :)
| Kaj-Nrig chapter 1 . 7/10/2009
The thing that most startled me about this fic was the fact that it can represent the thoughts of either Akari or Takaki. I have a feeling that it's supposed to be about Akari, but it's ambidextrous enough to work for Takaki, too.
One major issue I have, though, is the lack of punctuation at the ends of the lines. It's a small technical issue, I know, but in a poem, the punctuation matters much more so than in prose.
For instance, your first stanza:
"I had hoped
That you would stay
But I was happy,"
If I had placed the following punctuation into the lines, the meaning would have been completely altered:
"I had hoped.
(That you would stay.)
But I was happy,"
The period in the first line would have indicated the end of the sentence.
The parentheses and period in the second line would have indicated an almost unconscious thought, or a shy kind of afterthought.
And the comma in the last sentence, of course, means that the sentence is being continued below.
But if you don't use any punctuation marks at all, then the reader will have no idea when to stop or how to read the poem.
"Where we shared
One most special kiss
That ate my heart alive
And replaced it with something
would be read aloud as "Where we shared one most special kiss one kiss that ate my heart alive and replaced it with something etc etc etc."
Punctuation marks do wonders for these poems.
I like the repetition of "Do you still remember?" though. I also like how each remembrance gets increasingly more and more distinct - the day to the tree to the letter to him/her. It's a nice move. (It also reminds me of Macross and "Do You Remember Love?" which is also a good thing.)
So anyway. Hope that helps out a bit. Good luck on whatever else you're working on.