|Reviews for Persona 3: Fairly English Story|
| TokioJapon chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
| Belthasar chapter 61 . 7/5/2010
If it makes you feel any better (I doubt it since you dealt with this a long time ago), I think that someone would have to be pretty stupid to think that you had been saying that Americans bombed the World Trade Center.
| Konata Yukari-chan chapter 17 . 6/27/2010
I wish that everytime I consumed a cup of Illys my charm and intelligence increased.
Minatos increasing Social-Links are starting to make him become a Gary-Stu badass. As fond of Arisato-Kun as Ii am, I fear the worst for him. He has progressively wentbthrough some major changes, par the decision of the player, but I believe that Arisato-Kun is becoming too powerful of a character.
Whilst in his fight, Minato took hold, and while yes, he was leader, it seemed too easy for him. And all the while, stayed Takeba-San and Iori-Kun on the sidelines, getting their arses kicked the bloody hell out of them. I appreciate yor effort to try and preserve Minatos glory, but I sense that he is headd down a foresaken path chosen by only the weakest of characters in literature.
I do have to say, however, your writing skills reflect your dedication, and I can tell that you are abouve that of an amateure. The plot and storyline remain relatively in tact par to your game counterpart, but I wish that your control on the situations at hand were more polished than what they currently are.
Gramatically, I took notice to several gramatical errors, simple ones that could havee easily been adressed. Spelling is likewise. Your progression of writing ability falters as the story reaches a near median point, whichnis where the story loses its toych. This is toward the ending, where I have drawn my final conclusion, which will be adressed accordingly as so.
I am not entirely enthusiastic about this fan fiction. But it is important to remember that not all things come to a tedious, sometimes irksome, close. In some chapters, more thought and care could have been produced for the sake of the story.
The characters souls lingered, and the world of Persona was built around your idea, which I am not sure whether or not you are truly confident in. I felt heart and determination that could have only come from somone willing on sacrifice their time to produce 108 chapters.
| Konata Yukari-chan chapter 9 . 6/27/2010
Chapter Nine held an excellent Death Note reference made by Arisato-kun. I enjoyed that rather much; it really did make my day! XD
God, I freaking bloody love this English Minato. Best thing since Hot Pockets.
| Patcheresu chapter 72 . 6/4/2010
THE ALMIGHTY FOR THE UPCOMING FIGHT. IS AWESOME.
| PatcheresuOn mah DSi boi chapter 63 . 5/27/2010
Have you been watching too much Gurren? It's Yuko not Yoko. But if they were switched and Minato had a chance? Yum. Yurlungur says hi.
| Ahuizotl Ocelotl chapter 108 . 5/21/2010
Man, you just blew my mind with the sheer awesomess of your story, sadly I arrived too late to the party so Ill try to summarize my opinion in this little review.
First, you are right your writing skills really improved in the course of this story (in a really short time to boot), frankly Im impressed.
Its amazing how you can blend so many things (characters, references, plots, etc.) in the plot of P3 so perfect. Surely there are things really, really odd but they function with the logical of the story, I can only congratulate you man you are indeed an awesome writer.
About the references there a lot of them that I cant really relate to, but thats the beuty of your writing, you dont need to understand all of them since the story is so cool that its easy to get a meaning of them.
That page in TvTropes is a real help to promote of your fic (I learn of your story there).
Lastly I think that the ending is perfect, it gives closure to all the characters leaving also enough plots thread hanging leading to the sequel, but its possible to the reader to consider this an closed story. Also the ending it really gets you thinking about what can you do now if there more people like your Minato or his friends, this world itll be a better place.
Thanks man for a hell of a ride! (Now to check the 1st episode of the sequel)
| Craig chapter 108 . 5/20/2010
Well, I've spent the last few days reading this, and I felt it was good of me to give a review. Keep in mind that I avoided most of the author notes, so I took everything at face value. That said, I often feel that it's best to be honest when critiquing somebody's work in the way I would expect mine to be done.
And I'll be honest, I didn't like it. I realize that will be an unpopular answer, but hear me out.
First, I like the premise of making Minato an Englishman (though I'm a colonial heathen, so what would I know?), I thought that was a good twist. And his personality was, well, I can't really fault it too much, since, technically, Minato's personality was whatever we wanted it to be. I'll touch on it more later.
Second, what seems to be a rarity among fanfiction is the ability to read somebody's work. By that, I'm talking about actually being able to read it, like proper spelling, grammar, and the proper way to tell a story. I see too many stories that feel the need to just butcher the English language, and the fact that they have to have multiple characters talk in the same paragraph. It hurts my head. It might be a great story, but that just annoys me.
Sorry, but luckily, you avoided a lot of those pitfalls, so that's always a plus for me. I like how you kept the characters similar to their counterparts and didn't really mess around too much with the established continuity. That said, I do have to bring up a few things.
First, it's Minato's character. Yes, I do realize I mentioned before on how Minato's personality was shaped by us, the players, but I think there's really a limit on what you can do with a character. For the most part, the beginning with Minato was really interesting, but by the Fortune and Strength arcane battles (maybe earlier), I started to feel that the story was going off in a tangent that I wasn't going to like. Sadly, my fears came true.
Before, I could take some of the extreme emotions that Minato had, and characters do change, but I felt that Minato changed too much near the end of the story, at the point I mentioned before. That's also when the story started taking a turn for the truly weird, and there was no way back. Basically, I got the sense that the story was spiraling well out of your control, and given that you had so many elements running at the same time, it caused a massive split in the story, to the point that the story itself lost what semblance of personality it had.
It stopped being a story and started being a mish mash of stuff that seemed cool to add, and while that can work on occasion, and doing something different can help, but as before, there has to be a limit, and you didn't set one for yourself. I think that started when you started introducing characters that were outside the Persona games. I'm fine with cameo's, but when you start screwing with the timeline too much, it stops being a story and becomes more amateurish. I realize that's a bit of an oxymoron, since many of the works here are amateurish in nature, but there are acceptable levels.
While your writing abilities are far from amateur level, the plot became as such, to the point where it seemed like you were no longer writing it for yourself. It started to feel like that you no longer had an idea on what you wanted to do and started to throw things in at random because "it sounded cool" or "would be cool". I'm not saying that you didn't have a plan or an outline or an idea, but it just seemed that you didn't.
This goes with what you mentioned in some of your notes about writing multiple chapters in the same day. I do realize that when you're on a role you just want to keep going, and it becomes difficult to stop, but at times you do need to stop, look at what you wrote and think to yourself "is this a good idea?" Most of the time, it isn't (and I speak for myself on that, as well). I wish I got here earlier so that I can say to pace yourself, but obviously, I'm too late for that.
Now, on to Minato himself. I hate to say it, but near the end, he became a Gary Stu. Yes, I do realize that you tried to not create one, but in reality, you did. Minato became way too powerful, being able to solve nearly every problem on his own through brute strength or Dues Ex Machina, and yes, Dues did appear, but it didn't happen until later in the story. Did Minato have flaws? Yes, he did. That said, just because a character has flaws or isn't having the best time, that doesn't change the fact that he can still become a Gary Stu, especially when a lot of things went his way. And I'll have to use Twilight as an example of Gary Stu/Mary Sue characters. Flaws? Plenty. Still didn't change the fact that they were unreadable tripes with nothing likeable about them.
That's what happened to Minato, and sadly, a fatal flaw to the story as a whole. It's not easy to write characters, I'll be honest, and there's always the fear of making a Gary Stu/Mary Sue character, but I'm in the camp that by having such fears will more than likely lead you to create such characters. So, when I do my stories, I say fuck it, and do what I want with my character, flaws or otherwise. My original work (which will never be posted hear, obviously) gets good praise for having good characters. Nobody's complained about any Sue-ness, so that's always good, but still, I don't try to think about that.
Actually, I've created the character and have since refined him, so really, I don't think I can do anything to make him a Gary Stu. Powerful? Yes, but he still has limits to that strength, and they aren't the good kinds, either. His major flaw is that he's a bit of a loner and purposely makes himself out to be an unlikeable bastard. This alienates him, and makes him a target to tons of people. That wasn't really what he was looking to do, buy hey, reap what you sow.
I went off on a tangent there, sorry. I like the ending there, and how it was Minato's shadow doing the work. I like how you worked that in and how it went. I'm not too big of a fan of the Epilogue, but I saw what you were doing with that.
Another thing I want to mention is the chapter structure. I felt that quite a few chapters could be merged together. Everybody has their own idea on how to do a chapter, word count, subject, whatever. Still, I always go by this rule with chapters. If you feel it's not enough, add more. If you think it's too much, read through it and see if you can break it into another chapter. It's help me out quite well in the past.
Finally, Strega in government? Really, again, there's a limit, and that just didn't make sense for me. That was the nail in the coffin, I'm afraid.
Look, it was good, for the most part. You had strong characters and a good premise, but near the end, it just went out of control. The ending did help somewhat, but not enough.
Take this for what it was. I see potential, but you need more than just an idea. I feel that you did have an outline, but might I suggest this. Write a few chapters in advance, and I mean quite a few, like four or five chapters, read them all, then make the corrections that you need to make.
There was a Persona 3 story that took place several years after the game. I forget the name of the time, but I think it was Persona 3: Defying Fate or something similar. I don't remember the title, but that's a good read. Good character plots and it keeps it reasonable... for the most part.
For a good book series that keeps the characterization and the first person perspective, I highly recommend the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. It's great stuff and highly recommended.
Well, thanks for listening to me. It was good for the first half, but there are times where you have to nip it in the bud. It's not always easy to do that, but it's something you have to accept. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.
| Daughter of the Darkness Flame chapter 108 . 5/6/2010
My mind. It is blown. So blown, in fact, I've forgotten my password and can't log in. I might come back and leave a better review if I can manage to get my head around how you managed to make Minato such a magnificent bastard and game-breaking badass, yet still likeable and readable.
...I wonder, would Minatos gain power if I built a shrine and set up a cult to start worshiping him, like the demons and gods in the Warp? Guess it wouldn't hurt to try ;P
| Killiara chapter 108 . 5/4/2010
So, the number of chapters, coincidence or planned?
| Yorae Rasante chapter 108 . 5/2/2010
I took some time to think about what to say, but could only describe this story in one word:
| Yorae Rasante chapter 80 . 4/30/2010
I know it has been a LONG time since you made this chapter, but as far as I know Icarus wasn't a scientist, but the son of an architect (whose name I can't remember right now) that was hired by King Minos to create an unexcapable labyrint for him in Creta to keep the Minotaurus, whowever thw king tricked him and threw him and Icarus in the middle of it. To escape, Icarus's father (I think his name was Daedalus, but not sure right now) created two pair of wings using feathers and resine, which they used to fly and escape. Whowever, Icarus either didn't notice he was too high or decided to touch the sun, depends on the version. Any way, the resine melts and he falls to his death, a few stray feathers becoming a group of islands named after him.
I know it's too late, just thought you'd like to know.
| IrishNinja456 chapter 108 . 4/24/2010
Let me go ahead and start by saying this is the first review I have ever done for a fanfic. Secondly, you have created something amazing SamJaz. I fell in love with P3's story as soon as I played, then I read this story. You not only gave me another awesome story for my favorite video game ever, but you did so with extreme prejudice. I have never laughed out loud, pumped my fist in triumph, or felt as excited to read a piece of fiction like I have when I started this story of yours. From the very beginning, I loved the premise, but as I read further in, I saw that it just wasn't about making the MC a different nationality, it was about changing his character in a way that just blows my mind. The interaction with the other characters, his backstory and motivations, and all of the other things you added into this story that took it above and beyond awesome. (I'm going to go ahead and get this out of the way as well. I am a huge MC X Yukari fan, and I'm glad that you made it the main pairing in your story.) Which brings me to my last point. In the original P3 ending, I found it real bittersweet, but in the end, I held back my tears. I knew that the MC's sacrifice was needed, despite having a long life ahead of him with his loved ones. Then I played The Answer and saw just how distraught they were when they lost him. Especially Yukari and Aigis. Yukari's break down after the Colosseum is probably the saddest moment I've ever seen in a video game. But again, I held back my tears.
Then I read chapters 103 to the Epiclogue. I broke down into tears. You found away to make the ending even more bittersweet than the actual game. Seeing Minatos' reaction after realizing what has happened, and then his actions after the Seal touched my heart more than any piece of fiction that I think I've ever read. Seeing Minatos going back to talk to all of the MC's friends, none of them knowing what he really was, and Minatos feeling alone because of this made me feel more for any story ever. And then the Epiclogue brought it all home. Seeing Minatos traveling the world, trying to correct the wrongs one person at a time, all because the MC cared for humans that much made me break into manly tears again. I know it'll be about two years before you actually get to reading this review, but I just want you to know that you have rocked my world good sir. May the Lord bless you and watch over you, and we all eagerly await the sequel.
| Majin chapter 72 . 4/19/2010
Ok, I've just read this story for the fourth time, and figured it's about time I write a review for it.
This is made of win.
Seriously, this is one of the best stories (not just fanfics) I've ever read. the characters are great, the fights are fantastic and the plot is developed to an unbelievable degree. You have turned a good, if somewhat two dimentional game into a grand and infinite universe.
Thank you for a truly great reading experience.
| Kammari chapter 108 . 4/15/2010
A most epic story