|Reviews for Missing You|
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
| Consuelo Higdon chapter 1 . 3/25/2010
Hm, this is a very interesting fic :) You need to fix up a bunch of grammar problems, there are tons of present-tense terms in here that should be past-tense, and some of the past-tense terms end with s instead of d. It's a common typo slip-up, but it happens quite often in this story and makes it a bit difficult to read. Also, some more detail would really help this out, and help bring out the entire potential of this story. You can't rely on characters talking to tell the story! Not only does it get very vague, the plot ends up being full of holes that don't get filled in well enough just by dialogue.
Yoketron feels very out-of-place here. If you're going to have three characters, with two dead, you should dedicate the entire story to the live person talking about both of them, not just one. Of course, Beta IS his love interest, but there must be a good reason why they are buried together and why he visited them both. Did Beta have an ex-boyfriend in Yoketron and Alpha Trion harbored jealousy toward them? Did Alpha Trion and Yoketron see themselves as brothers? Are Yoketron and Beta related? You NEED to have a reason for Yoketron to be buried next to Beta, and you NEED to dedicate the story to BOTH of them if they are.
You could always just take Yoketron out of the picture entirely; just Alpha Trion going to visit his dead sparkmate Beta and no one else. Visiting someone's grave must be sentimental, and the person visiting must have good reason to visit it, more than just "he was my friend and yours too." That is much too vague and sound more like he's dismissing Yoketron rather than remembering him.
The ending, however, is very nice. Alpha Trion hinting at their son being dead is a wonderful way to end the story on a sad note. The flashback was well-done, since in real life they are very vague and happen quickly; just a light-speed flash of something that happened in the past. Unlike the traditional cartoon flashback, a real-life flashback is a vision rather than a re-do. For example, when Ratchet remembers his time with Arcee in The Thrill of the Hunt, it's more likely to be just quick visions of Arcee's face, driving, and then Lockdown about to hurt him, before he snaps back to reality and gets on with his life. Their much more realistic in This is Why I Hate Machines, since they're done the way they would happen in real life; flashes of images and/or dialogue, but not really going through it all over again. This is the way a flashback works. And you have a lot going for you in that sense.
There's also a bit of terminology that I think might help you; 'the memory flashed right before his eyes', 'a pang at his spark', 'limp and lifeless', 'gone', and 'stuck together like glue'. There's a lot of potential in this story, and I hope I helped you in any way!
| VeekaIzhanez chapter 1 . 7/6/2009
Okay, very good story..I like it!
| The Jaxter chapter 1 . 7/6/2009
I loved it.
It was so cute and bittersweet at the same time. Great job!