Reviews for The Bartoli Revenge btw i do NOT own this
Blob chapter 3 . 4/21/2013
Dhun dhun dhun!
BlackRedandBold chapter 3 . 12/15/2011
Its a good plot but...

YOU ARE TREADING ON VERY DANGEROUS WATERS. Your OC is coming across as a Mary Sue. (lookitup if you dont get it, preferably on Wikipedia. Not TVTropes {okay maybe} or UD.) The "pale skin, raven hair" and the fact that she is a Bartoli Baby is what's causing it. Be VERY VERY careful. Maybe use less adjectives like "raven" and just go for black. The Bartoli Baby thing also cannot become a main plot point or be pointed out too much. You can still fix it, promise! :) Also, your writing for the other characters are just a bit OOC. Not tooooo much. A little bit.

Considering this is your first story, the two things I pointed out are common, trust me. We all make mistakes. So don't take it personally. Just be more careful. I know perfect OCs are tempting, but to tell you the truth, they actually make the story more boring because they are predictable. And one more thing: don't flame me about your character. That is another sign that it's a Mary Sue, when you can't take criticism. I don't blame you if you are SERIOUSLY PISSED RAAGH at me. I realize I'm coming off as harsh, but, hon, it was gonna happen sometime or later. I just wanted it to be ME to tell you what other people are seeing before a really mean troll did.

But don't worry. You peaked my interest and I'll be watching out for later chapters.


TheLiterateCrawdad chapter 3 . 8/11/2009
Your chapters are short. You're not descriptive enough. Mona is useing too much spanish. And why the heck is it all in bold letters? other than that you have a good plot line.
P.I.R chapter 3 . 7/18/2009
put more detail in and longer chapters but an excellent start for a first story.
rose bovill chapter 3 . 7/10/2009
hey! i love ur story! but i never read tht book be4 but it was good! u need more details...other thn tht it was really good! im hungry so can we go eat tht pizza tht is just sittin on the stove gettin cold? pretty plz with a cherry on top? 3
Lauren chapter 3 . 7/10/2009
I LOVE IT! O maybe tht girl REALLY IS A BARTOLI! I mean it is called bartoli revenge right?
Rachel chapter 3 . 7/10/2009
hm pretty weird i guess but its ok cuz it wasnt tht bad or tht good