|Reviews for On a Cold Desert Night|
| Panda-Cube chapter 1 . 12/7/2013
I liked it XD
Good job XD
Will this continue? if so cant wait for the update XD
| Maydn chapter 1 . 7/15/2009
Wow, a Nami/Vivi story, that's rare! And I like the pairing. :)
However, you should really avoid typos in the title and summary. I'm glad I read it though despite the first impression - and so here's my hopefully constructive criticism.
First of all, you should turn the "dessert" into "desert"; this has occured in the title and in the second sentence of the story itself. The fic isn't really about sweets after all. :D
Your summary could also be improved. I'm not the best summary writer myself but I'd say the way it's worded now, it sounds as if the story is about the women talking and that sounds 'boring' even if it's true after all. You could focus more on the parts that make your fic exciting. Also, if you want to use the term "shoujo-ai" in the summary, be sure to spell it right. Especially if people using the search engine are supposed to find your story... ;)
Last thing, I'm not a fan of putting the "first attempt at bla" anywhere but I surely wouldn't write it in the summary; again just my opinion.
About the story itself:
I like the mood of the setting, with the fire, flames, cold night, stars etc. The first paragraph pulls the reader right back to Arabasta, and Nami calling Vivi "the forgetful princess who had kindly forgotten to tell ..." was also a short and pretty accurate reminder of her character. This was really well done.
[There's a typo though, or at least I think you wanted to write "groaned" instead of "groan", no big deal.]
The following talk, with Vivi being worried about the battle and using the Strawhats and so on, starts out nice, too, and Nami's reaction is just as I'd imagine.
However, when they start talking about kissing, you change the POV a bit suddenly and only for one paragraph from Nami to Vivi (to tell about her "having butterflies in her stomach"). I'd say you should either insert more changes to Vivi's POV or make that single one longer, but it would probably be best to just stick with Nami's POV for the whole story. Then you'd have to describe Vivi's feelings and uncertainties through Nami's observation which would be a bit more difficult but could also turn out more interesting.
I'm also not so sure what to think about Vivi begging Nami for a kiss. It sounds more like "I want to kiss A girl and since you're the only one available here, please let me try" rather than her having any feelings (or uncertainties about her feelings) for Nami. Of course, I don't know, perhaps that really is what you want the situation to be...?
Nami's reaction is definitely weird though. Would she really agree kissing someone because "it doesn't hurt"? Shouldn't she be thinking about her own feelings, or be excited, or something else that doesn't sound so oblivious... especially since you've described her heartbeat accelerating at the sight of Vivi's eyes earlier? And then she says that Vivi might regret it later... It's a kiss. Why would Vivi regret a kiss she initiated herself? I really don't get it, sorry. Perhaps you've had some particular train of thought for Nami in mind and told only half of it? Reading it, I didn't really understand her reaction though and would recommend rephrasing the paragraph, adding a deeper view into Nami's thoughts and feelings. Of course, there's nothing wrong with telling how both are just trying something out, but what you mentioned earlier, butterflies and heartbeats and so on, hints to me that there is something more about it.
I still really liked the awkwardness of the kiss. Yay for first kiss awkwardness, this is believable and cute.
The touching part could have been a bit more descriptive but I understand that you might have been uncomfortable with that. I find it a bit strange though that you're not describing the clothes because I'm sure they aren't naked. And if they were then you should mention this, too, of course. ;) Not to fuel pervert engines but to make the scene more real before the reader's eyes. I'm not trying to persuade you to make this M-rated, so please don't get me wrong here...
Haha, Luffy's always the idiot to disturb the action, I've seen that quite often now. But then again, it's also always funny. :)
In the end I had a quick image of Ace before my inner eye, to be honest. LOL, falling asleep after getting a kiss from the one you're apparently interested in? I can't really picture anyone but Ace doing something like that... ;) Makes me wonder what was up with Vivi here. Cute nonetheless.
Overall, it's a nice story, I love the pairing choice and the scenery but I was confused when it came to "why" they'd kiss. Anyway, it's all just my opinion and, you know, the next reader might see things completely different. I'm certainly no expert in the first place. Hope it's still a bit useful.
Thanks for sharing the story. And keep writing! :D