|Reviews for What I 've Been Searching For|
| LadyShadex chapter 4 . 11/10/2009
Oh boy, they got lost? Poor Vanilla is going to faint again...when she'll notice her daughter is gone! And Cream is just so cute!
Update soon! :)
| LadyShadex chapter 3 . 11/10/2009
Wow...the first half of the chapter was...deep. I truly felt sorry for him, poor Shadow. I liked the way you described his feelings.
I also wonder what Rouge has in mind...
| LadyShadex chapter 2 . 11/10/2009
The flying scene with Tails and Knuckles was hilarious! Great chapter!
And is this "BANG!" guy Eggman? Hmm...
| LadyShadex chapter 1 . 11/10/2009
I laughed when Amy messed up Sonic's picture!
This story looks interesting! Off reading more...
| Mystery002 chapter 1 . 8/21/2009
Your writing style is one of the most unique I've ever seen. I suppose the fact that English is not your first language lends an interestingly foriegn quality to your work, which makes it so much more unusual that the boring typical work the site is filled with.
Your vocabulary is advanced, especially for someone who doesn't come by it naturally, although your grammer was a bit overcomplicated, and sometimes confusing.
The art of literature is the balance between complexity and simplicity, between the elegance of the expansive universe the the pure, instinctual drive of emotions which cannot be described with words.
One thing is for certain, you know how to depict insanity, and you remind me of such authors as Kurt Vonnegut, and Edgar Allen Poe. Although I do disagree with your assessment of Lord Kelvin, that's none of my business, and therefore, I cannot detract from your skill because of it.
It's obvious to me that you could use a bit of improvement in areas such as sentance structure and being clear about what the subject of the sentance was (you used so many comparisons sometimes I wasn't sure what you were talking about), but we are all on a path of improvement in one area or another.
And trust me, the work you demonstrated here is a thousand times better than a load of utter drivel I must wallow through every day in order to find some talent, and would be welcomed in the contest.
See you in the competition ;).
| The Nevermore Raven chapter 4 . 8/20/2009
Well, Tails was one year older when he joined up with Sonic. But he also wasn't nearly as naive as cute little Cream is... Once again, great descriptions, and I loved the part about Vanilla's interrupted dream. That was quite creative.
| The Nevermore Raven chapter 3 . 8/20/2009
Interesting introduction... Lively metaphors... Good description... Even in the remarkably short amount of time you have been here, your writing has improved. I'm impressed! At this rate, you will be leaps and bounds ahead of me by the time you're 17. I had plenty of ideas when I was 15, but none of them were on paper, just floating in my mind. I definitely couldn't write this well! Just where will these two be going?
Aw... Poor Shadow. You're reminding me of Fading Shadows. I dare not to deny that. Poor guy...
| Anonymous reader chapter 3 . 8/5/2009
I have liked your story thus far. It was very interesting to read. Not many people on this site take the plunge to try a new writing style with more flair and creativity. Bravo!
My only complaint is, watch your grammar. You once or twice used words that meant something else than what they were supposed to mean (Like "read" and "red"). But those were minor mistakes that anyone could have made.
Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what happens next!
P.S. I greatly enjoyed the scene with Knuckles and Tails in the airplane. That was hysterical. XD
| Lord Kelvin chapter 2 . 7/19/2009
Let's not toot our own horn, colleague.
We have the reader to call it good for us. Such LARGE statements can scare the eye.
You start this story just like the other you wrote - with an essay. Readers might not enjoy academic style in creative writing. Academism is nice, but you have to assure your story is more interesting than legislation. Allow me to elaborate.
After I got into English, my writing became increasingly complex. In fact, it peaked at such complexity that four out of five readers required a dictionary to carry on with the story. Was that a bad thing? Context decides. When your target audience is that one out of five that can distinguish 'ethereal' and 'ephemeral' or 'raze' and 'raise', it is fine. Naturally, that person will have requirements beyond general belief. The main requirement would be for content to be fully compatible with the words you use. In my case, a typo can disgruntle for two paragraphs.
Your initial paragraphs are huge, so you can get how troublesome for you it may be.
I witness the same problems I pointed out in the first chapter. You have run-ons, sentences that cover multiple vaguely-related actions or topics. Not everyone can stuff thirty syllables in a sentence. Often, they Have to be cut. Let's give you an example so you see what I mean.
'Dense, vast, almost dreadful, always reminds us mersilessly how tiny and weak we are, its endless black truth being charmingly ornamented by small glimmers of light scattered all over it, shining slightly, widely known as stars.' For a start, the word is 'mercilessly'. No idea how this occurred. This sentence first describes darkness. Then it says we are weak. Finally, you describe it more and end it with an explanation. At least one of these parts doesn't belong. Weakness deserves a separate sentence.
Now we reach the context. I smiled in the second paragraph. Sonic was the one uttering those words. You must be a genius, because I don't know many authors of your age who dare to write phantasmagoric. In fact, the first time I encountered it (some years ago), I thought it was the agora of phantasms - a spirit marketplace. Not entirely, I later found out. Given this, I ask you a simple question: would Sonic know the words you wrote? Because you wrote the first paragraph in his name.
The second paragraph sent me into a giggle fit. You're insane to write like this. Rowling takes a break when you're on the job. This is by no means an insult. Though, you may need a crowd of your own to appreciate work such as this. Most readers would just think 'my brain is scared...this is too smart'.
Absolutely remarkable language. You don't even save yourself from metaphors. By the end of the second paragraph, I can describe it as a treasure chest. It has great value, but is tough to carry. You know, I'd like to ask you whether you wrote this from your head, or required a thesaurus.
'the cute twin-tailed child prodigy was laughing' You do realise only a veteran would write such a description?
Among all of this, I see a few sins. The word is kidding, not kiding. Secondly, when you write a story with language as flowery as yours, you cannot have long exclamations. Yes, there can be OVERCAPITALISED words, but you cannot repeat letters to prolong them. You look like an idiot when that occurs.
Regarding intelligence, you interchange only 'genius' and 'prodigy'. When you repeat them, you look monstrous. Why? You gave me 'vivacious' and beautiful narration that clashes completely with the way your characters speak. Metaphorically, they look like monkeys operating a jumbo jet.
'Knuckled rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Im pretty sure you can guess, can't you?"
Τhe blue hero raised an eyebrow, then nodded. "Where?" he required to know.' I don't know, but I'm is always underlined when an apostrophe is missing. Don't overdo it with commentary. Doubling it with actions explaining words might not fit. In my eyes, 'he required to know' looked clunky and fake. It's like a little teen who needs to boost the word count of an essay.
Your ending requires a fix up just like in the poem. You've put quotations inside a huge narrative paragraph. There is also one double paragraph near the top (needs extra space).
We may get to the tricky details in the next chapter. I don't want to overload this review with text, or you with too much work.
A bang too many is a hole in the floor.
Have a nice, abuse-free day.
| Lord Kelvin chapter 1 . 7/12/2009
Inspired by. English is always capitalized, and it requires "quotes" for speech. Very peculiar, you know, but that's how it's done in this language.
Double-paragraphs ugh...I've had to make a presentation on this. Long story short: they are improper English, a mutant of classic British and business block styles.
'The device was vibrating in the indolent and romantic rythm of a forgotten ballad which was nothing but one more pointless anthem, an ode to a worldly unsucces like love'
I DIED with this sentence. Not only is this run-on painful, it's also the first line. Rhythm. It sounded like a forgotten etc. You don't Have to be longer than a tapeworm. Long is not always good.
I pretty much understand what you were trying to say in this chapter. You've proven that you can write long descriptive pieces that require coordination and concentration. Bravo, achieved and ready. You've used a maximum amount of words to describe every tiny detail, thus making the quality almost photographic.
Difficult it is to appraise your idea so early, so I'll hold my breath about originality or characterisation. It should all come into a clearer light later on.
Though, I can ask you to be more careful with this one. You may need a beta reader, because you make some awkward spelling errors and your sentences sometimes just don't connect or lose words. A nice present should be wrapped neatly.
To the gift shop.
Have a nice, abuse-free day.