|Reviews for In the World of Prisioners|
| Matian chapter 1 . 9/5/2009
This the mistakes I counted, all put chronologically:
1. Crouch crotch
2. (“My lady…pant…it may be unwise to hurt him.”) Write "pant" with italics or something. It looks like the guy is actually saying pant. You could also just write ("yada-yada" he panted) or (yada-yada" he said with a pant)
3. Gins Djinns
4. Minator minotaur
5. Please remember that this world is technically in the middleages. The usage of "fuck", "okay", "pansy" and "bitch" weren't used very often if they even existed at all! "Bitch" and maybe "pansy" probably did, but I doubt they would have been used in such a way. Use "wench", "whore", "weakling", "coward" and etc. instead.
6. Don't use "hm?" all the time. It gets fairly annoying after a while. Write something else once in a while i.e "yes?" or "what is it?".
7. One chapter per post, not mulitiple chapters per post. It's easier to navigate plus I think fanfiction . com has a rule against that.
8. Lye lie (not as in a lie, but as in lying down. There is a rule in English considering the change of the letter "y", unfortunately I can't remember it right now :D )
9. Dam it damn it
10. Remember not to put commas in front of "and" unless you're ending an inserted sentence within another sentence.
I think I'm going to stop here (at the end of chapter two).
The story itself is alright, although I have to admit it wasn't really for me. The problem is - and this really isn't your fault, mind you - that Heroes of Might and Magic doesn't really have any real characters. Sure there a heroes and a few main characters, but they are all incredibly shallow. Therefore you as a writer - or is it editor? - are forced to create your own characters, OCs, something I really don't like.
Also, work on your commas. I think you need to place at least 50% more commas than you have already.
Best of luck with the story. It's really nice to see some Heroes of Might and Magic stories out there and please don't let my review discourage you from writing anymore.
| T.E.D.S chapter 1 . 8/20/2009
I hope you'd update soon, as it was very interesting for me. I play HoMM V since January, and Dungeon is my favourite race. Looking forward for next chapter... I wonder what the elves will do to Abraham :D