|Reviews for Torn, A Tale Of Twin Witches|
| Megstiels Kid chapter 1 . 12/31/2013
I loved it and the video although it did confuse me a bit at the beginning.
| T.B. Miller chapter 1 . 11/20/2011
It's brilliant. Hope you choose to continue.
| charmed-darkangel chapter 1 . 3/9/2011
Very very nice! I loved every word of it, and I'm really sad to see there is only one chapter so far here!
| Shanebeckam chapter 1 . 2/24/2011
So you said if I review you on here, then you would consider continuing this series, so here it goes...
You seriously have no idea how amazing this story is, and how much potential it has to be one of the bests on this site. Only one chapter getting fifteen reviews definantly shows that you have created something special with this. So please, please, please update. I know it would mean a lot to many people on here.
| Phoenixed chapter 1 . 4/25/2010
Torn - Chapter Uno Review:
Okay, you've waited an infinity and a half for this review and I decided that while I'm finally off from work and social calls, I'd take advantage of thanking you with words for writing this chapter and finally exposing some “Torn” to the world after much much much teasing. First and foremost, I have to say how impressed I am that the huge SECRET of this story is still very much kept under wraps. Honestly, it's incredible. I would've either blabbed to the wrong person by now or just exposed it all myself inside the series summary. So, go you!
Now, this dream sequence: Completely unexpected and from someone who used to be very in-the-know with all things going on TORN, it was a pleasant surprise. The writing is just awesome, I'd highlight too many lines if I was doing this my old way, but truthfully, I don't feel like doing so because it almost makes the other sentences look undeserving when they all truly work as a whole as they should; I'm totally envious of your writing, if we could merge into one super-being who can be as descriptive as you and can accomplish more in a given time as me, we'd rule the world and would rob Stephenie Meyer of her fortunes. But unfortunately, we don't live in these fantasy worlds that we write about, so we gotta make due with what the hell we got and you're packing some literary heat.
I never thought about this before, but is the ginger hair gonna be explained? I feel like I'm forgetting something obvious here in someone's DNA, but yeah... Dark-haired Paige and dark-haired Henry, right? Grandparent, maybe? Patty had pretty different hair...? I don't know, I'll spare myself the headache and have you fill me in.
“The city that never sleeps had fallen into its darkest slumber.” Whenever I'd review for Ross' story, there would be quotes that I would want to put on a t-shirt and this line would definitely be in that very same closet, I love it so damn much. It makes me really want to get into this New York piece that I have to tell you about.
Oh my God, the dialogue between Girl One and Girl-in-Black was just appropriately dream-esque. I'd really love to dive more into it, but I don't wanna blab anything out. So, lips are sealed and key is tossed. Very good job on it though, it's very fast pace and mind-rattling. Poor Paige.
Wow, haunting image of a bloody mask daughter... Dare I say too far? ... Nah. Grim is grim and that was one helluva nightmare. Very taunting.
As I've mentioned before, definitely glad to see a future gadget, yet nothing too farfetched. I'm just not in the flying car mood, but 3D TV's are very much welcomed. It's been a while since I read that fight scene but as I'm sure I had told you previously, I love the cloning colors used. Very refreshing. The fight scene and all with the twist at the end was well written, easy to imagine as usual. Man, if Dora didn't have telepathy, she would've been dubbed “screwed”. (WOW, flashback! I just remembered reading this fight scene for the first time on C-Net. Holy Hell that was forever ago.)
Sorry the review was uber-late, but it was definitely a enjoyable re-read and not a chore at all. It's gotten me pretty damn eager to move on with my writing, so thanks for doing the unintentional-muse-thing! Hopefully more gets exposed to the public soon, along with the finale of “Special”; I doubt you're surprised that I'm STILL on you for this.
Great job again, T.D. And yay, I'm Review #15. I don't know, just feels special.
| krlita chapter 1 . 4/19/2010
POR QUÉ DEJASTE DE ESCRIBIR?
la historia tiene un tremendo potencial, como eres tan cruel de no seguir, debería darte verguenza por torturar a tus lectores así, bye
| KellyCatLover216 chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
You had some punctuation and spelling mistakes, but I really loved the story. After reading Paige's intense dream, I was hooked. I really loved how you ended the chapter, it left questions remaining and made me want to read more. I have tried to think of what I could suggest for you, but I drew a blank. All in all, you are a very talented writer, and I cant wait to read chapter 2.
| Squirrel Stone chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
Please continue it! It's really good, and you've seemed to have abandoned it.
| astral knight chapter 1 . 8/1/2009
Here's my review for the first chapter of Torn:
- Right off the bat, we're having some form of conflict, with Paige possibly running or something.
- The next couple of paragraphs were phenomenally descriptive. It used creative terms and synonyms that I have yet to hear from anybody else.
- "The city that never sleeps had fallen into its darkest slumber." So Paige had moved to New York. It's pretty original, but I always like the idea of having the sisters near each other, even if Paige could orb.
- I sort of got confused at first couple of events. I guess everything was happening sort of quickly. I had to read it over again to actually interpret what happened. I understood it better and it was really...suspenseful.
- It's really heartbreaking to see a vision of your daughter yell at you. Not as so much yelling, but she's aware of Paige's secret and she's somewhat disappointed in her.
- Damn, it's really intense! Her daughters are just screaming at her and she is so helpless. But I think the daughter covered in blood was a bit much. Unless there was some backstory to it that we may find out later in the story, it was a bit confusing.
- Having it a dream made sense, seeing as how this could happen in eal life. lol. but it's good to see Henry here. He was always one of my favorites and maybe you can somewhat develop him a tad more. Not so much as to bring the story around him but just clear up some things. And he's still at the office, so that's good.
- "the Witchlighter" haha! Wonder were you got that from? LOL just kidding.
- It's pretty expected to have her powers progress to the point where she doesn't need to call out for them. But one question: Did she do that with orbs around it or just telekinetically?
- “And this doesn’t count as personal gain. I’m doing it for my daughters,” Practically 30 years and she still hasn't changed. That's a good thing.
- “Actually,” Henry Jr. continued, “Personal gain is when you use magic-”
“Save it for the charges, rookie,” Paige interrupted. LOL. Nerd. But it's great that Henry Jr. wont be left behind in the story.
- "gruesome twosome" Nice!
- "Phoenix had gone for a one of her" I think that's a small error.
- That phone was hot as hell. It has been 50 years and new technology is expected. I wonder if you'll do anything else, future wise.
- Pandora. Pretty name. I thinks it's safe to say that she's the demon hunter of the twins. Also, she had a hot...or "cool" power. Cheesy joke, leave me alone. Anyways, I always liked the idea of having a witch fight demons because she wants to, not because of some prophecy. But is there more to the demon she chasing?
- Um, I'm a little confused. How was Pandora able to clone so quickly?
- “Good thing I can clone,” Ehh. not one of my favorite lines. Maybe something like, "Thank god for cloning," or somehting like that.
- Pretty usual gift as well to have telepathy if your a twin.
- "but in black leather that easily spelt out “bad ass”." My favorite line of the chapter. Awesome!
- The attackr was using astral projection. That's pretty new, IMo.
All in all, I applaud the first chapter, it was very creative, bring elements of Charmed, along with originality that makes it Torn. For me, the dream sequence had to be read twice so I can fully interpret what happened. But everything else was amazing.
Awesomeness job! I'll certainly be reading! Good luck with Torn.
| Sweetlilloz chapter 1 . 7/31/2009
OMG your the first charmed story I've liked in a while seriously there is a lack of really well written and Believable storys on here
| leeanie chapter 1 . 7/28/2009
sounds interesting i would not mind to read a chapter 2
| impeccableblahs chapter 1 . 7/26/2009
it's very well written, and you've managed to disturb me during the first beginning paragraphs so that screams kudos. i'm not easily disturbed. well, unless you bring in clowns, or sometimes barney the purple dinosaur but i've mostly regressed that, heh.
you've written paige very in character, which i love. even down to her obsessing over streamers, and supressing her emotions with henry; it's all so typically paige, and for that you deserve brownies.
hope you update soon, as i am prone to imploding over stories. especially one's with this much potential. please don't let me implode..
| SoWrongItsDom chapter 1 . 7/26/2009
eel special, I don't review just any stories. Haha.
I'm going to be reviewing scene-by-scene, as I don't have much time right now. I have plans with some friends.
-The Dream sequence.
First off, great visuals. I honestly could picture every single thing that was happening. Only two other fanfic writers ever have made me do that. Kudos. I'm assuming that Paige made a deal or something while her kids were young so that demons could take over one sister? I don't know.
Oh yeah, and the whole "Why didn't you come looking?" thing and when she heard all the talking start getting louder and louder seriously creeped me out. Great job.
-The Junior scene
Ha. I love the mother-son dynamics between Paige and Jr. They're kinda like me and my mom, which is kinda sad now that I think about it.
Oh yeah, just a little typo. '“Oh, don’t go all Whitelighter on me!” she friendlily snapped .'
BTW, Love the 'gruesome twosome" nickname.
-Lastly, the fight scene
Nice fight scene. This is how a fight would have happened in one of the earlier seasons of Charmed. Some allies, some athame's, and a nice twist to end a great chapter.
All in all, very visual, kept me excited, even through the middle scene, and made me excited for the second chapter.
Great job Brandon!
You happy now? Haha.
| The Road To Salvation chapter 1 . 7/25/2009
Torn - Chapter One Review
That first paragraph was great. Especially the part about her being the only one in colour - "a single drop of turqoise and black in an ocean of grey, weaving her way through the mundade others under the twilit sky."
"That was when the sun set. The moon seemed to have died with the sun, as the heavens no longer shone down on the Earth. The light was gone, as was everyone else. The cars no longer honked, and the only source of illumination came from the street lights that dimly flickered. The city that never sleeps had fallen into its darkest slumber." This paragraph is perfection. I love it.
The dream sequence was perfectly written. It was intense. Very dark and quite chilling. I loved when the two girls were shouting different things at the same time, and Paige was torn between her daughters. I wonder what she was too late for, since I have a feeling this isn't just a dream, it ties in with something that actually happened.
I love the Paige-Henry Jr. dynamic. It's already perfectly set-up and displayed in just one small segment of a chapter. The whole conversation between them made me smile and I hope they make a few more appearances in the series.
I loved the addition of that futuristic phone. It shows that you know you're ahead in time, since quite a lot of people have it stay the same, despite it being decades after. It was realistic, too, so that was cool. I want one. Shame they're not real.
I loved the fight scene towards the end. It was perfectly written and Pandora's powers were awesome. It's nice that they're original powers rather than the same old crap we've seen before, and I like the fact they don't just have orbing, TKO and other whitelighter powers. They're just fully witches right, and Henry's fully-whitelighter? And Pandora's powers are Cloning, Cryokenesis and Telepathy?
"The sound of the ice cracking crept through the silent lanes, an angry roar overtaking it soon after. The demon zoomed through the lanes, his super speed aiding him to catch up with the witch. She had run into a dead end. There was no turning back." I loved this paragraph. The demon has a power we haven't seen much before it was descriptive, but not too much, with action included.
"It felt as if she had just used her cryokinesis on herself. She was stiff, cold, but not by magic. It was because of what she saw." I loved those few lines. It was a very interesting way to describe how she felt.
"Her attacker was the spitting image of herself. Five-feet five-inches tall; ginger hair, falling all the way to her back. Cheekbones that could only be of Warren descent, accentuating the mirrored surprise in her eyes. She wasn’t clad in jeans and a blue top like Pandora, but in black leather that easily spelt out “bad ass”. But before Pandora could open her mouth, she disappeared in a similar light in which Pandora’s clones materialized. She was certain that this wasn’t a clone, for her doppelganger’s departure was through Astral Projection." This paragraph was great. I liked the comparisons between the two, especially the part about the cheekbones. I especially loved the last part, where her doppelganger left using Astral Projection, which is Phoenix's power, isn't it? Hm. Makes me wonder.
This chapter was perfection. When I read Special, I though that was going to be one of the best fan-fictions around. I though that writing was perfect. Now, I know it's not. Because this is. Your description and imagery is perfect, and you write action amazingly too, aswell as nailing the characterization and keeping the dialogue fresh. What the hell can't you do?
| Ordinary Witch chapter 1 . 7/24/2009
Okay, decided to read this. Chapter one review:
Starting with the dream sequence. It's perfect, intense and very dark. I really enjoyed reading it. It's full with originality and your brilliant descriptions. You nailed it. It's pure genius. I really loved it. Well done on this. I'm looking forward on reading how this reflects on Paige's life. The end of the dream was like any other dream I've seen in movies and TV. Still, you've written it (and the whole thing) very beautifully.
I really enjoyed reading Paige and Henry Jr's relationship. It's very heart warming and well, funny. I loved this part most:
“Actually,” Henry Jr. continued, “Personal gain is when you use magic-”
“Save it for the charges, rookie,” Paige interrupted. “I already know the definition.”
I really enjoyed reading about this gadget. It's very original and it seems realistic. Good job on this. I'm looking forward for more of these ideas. I'm sure they'll be great.
The finally scene in the alley was another perfect one. Very enjoyable to read. It's filled with fresh ideas, and again, great descriptions. The magic and the action in this part is very perfect. Us readers get a chance to get to know Pandora a little. She's dedicated to saving her innocents, as mentioned, and I find that great. She can clone,too? Awesome.
The cliffhanger was amazing. I can't wait to see what comes next.
Overall, this was a very enjoyable chapter. Good work, Brandon. I'm looking forward for more. :)