|Reviews for Diamond City BlockOut|
| 10-volt chapter 12 . 8/2/2011
No Mario and 9-volt team up? TO THE FIC MOBILE!
| 10-volt chapter 7 . 8/2/2011
At times like these, i LOVE spoilers. They let me know if it gets better or worse, and it got better, so a Mario and 9-volt team up if still possible!
| Thought Cloud chapter 12 . 6/29/2011
Heh, Luigi was acting a lot like Mr. L. I'm reliefed he didn't appear in the story, though- I hate him.
| Thought Cloud chapter 10 . 6/29/2011
Whooo! Time to spill the beans, greenie!
| Thought Cloud chapter 9 . 6/29/2011
Ana's kind of mean in this story. It really reflects her quiet personality.
| Thought Cloud chapter 2 . 6/29/2011
It DID say that Mike was kidnapped by a man.
| 10-volt chapter 1 . 5/18/2011
WRITER! 9-volt will like a word with you...
| Lord Kelvin chapter 1 . 12/24/2009
This is not the English standard of writing.
I suggest you fix the hyphens into proper punctuation if you intend to have this read.
Though, little details can be taken care of eventually if you pay attention to them. Some things you may not hear from other reviewers are bound to be more useful for you.
First off, there is absolutely no reason to repeat anything already mentioned in the summary. If you have anything utterly important to say, that's what an author's note is for. Otherwise, shut up and don't you ask for reviews more than twice (in the beginning, and the end). Use the other things you have learnt, such as separators, in this chapter.
Another thing about the intro. You are to appear as pleasant as possible, being the host. When you say 'don't read' no matter the context, it brings a negative image of restriction. Some stories (horror, as one) may use it as an aesthetic, but you want to entertain here. Coerce with the text, so you wouldn't appear out of place.
The next issue that matters the most is what a person sees in a story. In my case, I always scroll a chapter from start to finish to see what it looks like. The perfect story has no hiccups in format. This means that paragraphs neither become fat all of a sudden nor do they get a sudden strike of anorexia. Both are bad in general.
And now we reach the biggest challenge: the first screenfull. The first screen view (when the page opens) of your chapter one has to be something like a business card, the point of decision after the title.
I see a huge exclamation at the start. It is a symptom of: lame humour, sugar random remarks, childish writing. If you were silly, it would fit, but the writing just does not go well with the way you introduce dialogue. Putting it simply: dialogue gives me the image of an idiot at writing (if I am to decide whether to read on or ditch), but the reading experience itself is quite good. That's why you should give the first lines some thought.
The story is rated T, not K or K. Writing "You suck" on the first screen view is more for K insults, not a fiction with wit and subtle remarks like you have here. Find a better way to have characters express discontent, at least during the first screen.
Moving on with the chapter. It is more a collection of drabbles than a real chapter. Some published authors do interrupt the read by using asterisks or separators often. Though, the very stories they do it with are extremely short (up to ten pages). For a longer work, any author is expected to make wholesome ideas. If you interrupt it with scene switches or excessive punctuation (that are like "loading" screens), a reader's attention span is challenged. You don't want any read to forget what happened earlier, right? Prolong your scenes so they last a chapter, and if you must switch from one location/character to another, do it with a sentence like "meanwhile in" et cetera. Wholesome, fluid, complete.
That should be enough. I won't tinker with your language because that's the job of a beta, not a reviewer. Just I'm a bit worried about chapter 12. It's not exactly a chapter and I would actually wonder if it's legal according to the guidelines as a non-story entry.
Good luck with the rest.
Have a nice, abuse-free day.
| ewoodj8yahoo.com chapter 11 . 10/13/2009
Nice story. I hope you do more Wario Ware fanfics.
| Mable chapter 10 . 10/3/2009
(In background) I knew all italian plumbers are evil!
Luigi? But he was the shy brother afraid of everything! NO!... Well, looks like Mario deserves an apology. Like, "Sorry we thought you were evil and taking over everything and destroying everything when it was really your brother Luigi, Mario."
(In background) We actually have the five minutes to waste to say the whole thing.
Shocking... Does Mario know, I wonder. A*W*E*S*O*M*E chapter! Hope the next one is up soon, with an ending like that I can't wait!
| Mable chapter 9 . 9/26/2009
Sister against sister, girl against assistant, student against teacher... Will Mario's madness ever end? I feel the final battle approaching, but where could Wario be? Also, will the final battle be between Wario and Mario?
(In background) Who knows, but you do realize something's going to change right?
What do you mean?
(In background) I have this feeling, something doesn't seem right about this thing. Like... Never mind.
Umm okay... Anyway, another awesome chapter! Thanks for updating so fast, this has became one of my favorites already number one Wario Ware inc. fic!
| Mable chapter 8 . 9/18/2009
Mario is crazy!
(In background) What did I say about Italian Plumers?
Guess you were right. He's mind controlling everybody!
(In background) Even the cat-dude.
Yes, even the cat-dude... Err, I mean Spitz. Can't wait for more! This chapter makes me want to beg for another!
| Mable chapter 6 . 9/6/2009
Wait... *gasp* It is Mario? I thought he was a good guy! Or maybe... It's not as it seems, maybe it's different then it seems...
(In background) I think it is Mario. Think from my perspective, an Italian plumber attacking turtles, sounds as evil as a Vykker whose been drinking alchohol.
And you'ld know about that.
(In background) Naturally.
Anyway, Mike is taking all the power... That's really not good. Let's hope everyone can still try to escape. Well, now it seems Diamond City Blockout is about to become Diamond City Blackout.
| Mable chapter 5 . 9/5/2009
So it is Mario? It seems like it but... There's always a chance it could be someone else. Maybe Tabuu COULD be doing this! It's so confusing... Anyway, loved the chapter, can't wait to see more!
| Mable chapter 4 . 8/29/2009
Goomba blood? Sounds a little like Bowser's doing... But it's a little over the top for Bowser. We all know the only reason he wants to 'take over' is because he has something for Peach.
Mario? Could be but Mario is the good guy, he always seems to help people in need. I wonder... I wonder who could possibly do this... *gasp* It couldn't be Yoshi could it?
(In background) Yoshi?
A green dinosaur creature, anyway, thanks for having Spitz in this chapter. He is a pretty cute little cat/taxi driver. I can't wait to see more, chapter four was wonderful!