|Reviews for The Marauders and the Lily Obsession|
| annikamaddie chapter 2 . 6/21/2010
I liked the part about Alice Prewett. PLease have Lily and James fight in the next chapter.
| Ramenluver chapter 1 . 8/1/2009
Okay...I'm finally getting around to reviewing. XP
"A/N: I have recently discovered an obsession with the LJ pairing and the Marauders, so (i) decided to write this."
Capitalize that "i", girlie!
I like how you started with the idea that maybe Sirius would have carried on his family's tradition of thinking of the purebloods as higher class individuals had it not been for James' intervention. I never thought of Sirius having a stronger connection to his mother and her ideals when he was younger, but I suppose it would only make sense that such a leveling thing like a public (wizard) school would introduce a formerly sheltered boy to new modes of thinking.
"They couldn’t have lied, could they?"
He's eleven, and right at that age where he is beginning to question his set role in the family structure, and losing his childish naivete, so that ending line fits well.
"Quietly, he entered the boy’s ‘territory’. The boy turned around and smiled at him."
I think the sentence would flow better without the emphasis around the word territory. It just felt unneeded to me.
"“Hi. I’m James Potter.” Oh, the Potters. Kelly Lupin, his mother, had told him about the Potters. They were a family of well-respected, kindhearted and wealthy purebloods who were related To Godric Gryffindor. “Remus Lupin.” He replied, relaxing a little."
You need to start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking.
"“Black, Sirius!” Professor McGonagall called. The dark-haired boy stood up confidently, but secretly he was dead nervous."
You need a comma after "secretly".
"“Hmm...I understand you have a very complicated family? I suppose you want tot go to Slytherin, like your family?” “No,” Sirius though. “They suck.” The Sorting Hat paused. “Well, it’s definitely not Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, so it will have to be...GRYFFINDOR!” He raced towards the table, laughing. James looked surprised, and sent him a curious look, which Sirius returned with a huge grin."
You need to separate the characters' speech, again. Also, there is no need to caps lock your words or insert double punctuation. If you need to stress that the hat is shouting, then state it outright, but don't abuse grammar to make your point.
Overall, the narration seemed a little dry to me. I personally would have like to see more description to make the moments between switching their points of views seem more elongated and concrete. It felt like you just breezed through the entire situation too quickly, and I didn't feel like I could get anchored to the narrative as a reader. Also, this could be remedied by just telling it from one point of view (I suggest James') and expanding on it, but this would drastically alter the effect you wanted to have, I think.
Well, I hope that helps,
| angelaboosh chapter 1 . 7/27/2009
Cool! Cant wait to read some more!