|Reviews for Maude's Tuckahoe Saga: The Movie|
| MSDR89 chapter 5 . 10/2/2009
Another very strange story! But, like I said on the other story, a good strange. The strangeness kind of reminds me of Animal Farm in a way. Realisitic, no, but you just have to accept it and go with it and let the story be what it is. I like the story; you are right, though, it is VERY complicated and thus a little difficult to get into. I think it will be very worth it to bear with it though. There is a LOT of unnecessary description in the story. I used to make that mistake as well, and it is difficult to stop. Or, it was for me. I was just so intent on making my readers see exactly what I was envisioning. I picked out some examples as I was reading, so here they are:
'exhaled air bubbles' - From your description, we knew that, so you don't have to tell us so blatantly. Try letting things be assumed by your writing instead of telling the reader.
'she held two of her hands in the air while distancing at least 2 feet from each other'... 'I picked you up and held you in the palm of my hand' - The description here is at odds. If he was two feet long, he would not have fit in her palm. Just something to watch for.
rain and cascade
swift and rapid
wide and broad
burning and scorching
slim, wiry, lean
double jointed, elastic, flexible
blistering, scorching, blazing
blue/green ocean eyes
sparkled and shimmered
congealed and healed up as they clotted and coagulated
sheen and luster
screamed and shrieked
barked and yelled
twinkled and sparkled
The above list was some of the instances where you used two synonyms together to describe the same thing. It is very redundant and adds a lot to your over-descriptions. What you want to do is find one word, preferably, and use only that. Or at least use words that mean different things. This will cut out a lot of unnecessary content and streamline your work. That will help your readers to stay focused and interested and keep the story moving.
'more huskier and throatier' - You don't need the word 'more' here; it isn't proper grammar, and I don't know about how other readers felt about it, but it stuck out to me so I wanted to include it. Also, you could use one or the other of these two terms; you really don't need to use both.
“80-years-old… Ms. Naugatuck, Maude is more than half that man’s age; they are just about 60 years apart! - Here you wanted to say she was twice his age, not half. I wasn't positive if you realized that or not, so I wanted to include it.
at t’all - This might just be my personal preference, but this might be better expressed as "a'tall"
'Cartman was bigoted, egotistical, manipulative, selfish, voracious, avaricious, and not to mention immoral' - This is just too much description about a single thing. Pick a few choice descriptive words, say three at the VERY most, and than forget the rest. It is much better to show what a character is like through their actions, which you do very well, than to have a line of adjectives. They take away from the story, slow things down, and tend to annoy readers, really. They like to see what the characters are like, and see what is happening. Most readers don't like to be told.
'Yubaba herself was foul-tempered, crass, vulgar, gaudy, greedy beyond comprehension and was purely despicable.' - Again, this has the same problem as the topic directly above.
'he scolded Cartman while rebuking him sharply.' - This goes along with saying the same thing twice. He can't scold him and rebuke him; you would just say one or the other. So that the line could become 'he rebuked Cartman sharply.' which is much shorter and more streamlined, and would cut a lot of unneccesary content out of your story.
fourth-month - This should be four months or four-month-old, not fourth-month. I'm only mentioning it because I saw it several times.
raspy, shrill - When describing with more than one adjective, amke sure they agree with each other. Raspy and shrill are pretty different sounds, and it is difficult to come up with a mental idea of what it would sound like.
Now, I know that was a LOT, and I hope I did not come off as being very critical and criticizing; I really do like the story and will be reading more when you post. I really love the wonderful oddness of the situations. It's like being in a daydream almost and I find it very refreshing. I thought I would end on a high note here and point out a description that I thought worked beautifully. I was going to post the whole section, but I seem to have lost track of it. So here is what I have.
rising, admonishing - You used this when describing Maude's voice. I liked it because it was relatively short with only two adjectives describing her voice. They are completely different but fully agree with one another, and they help to give a clear and complete mental idea of what you are saying.
So, please keep writing, I really look forward to hearing more about everyone's escapades!
| GrayRainbows chapter 4 . 9/12/2009
I'm afraid I just can't get into this story, as delighted as I am to find SOMETHING involving Maude and Walter; I LOVE them! But I can't get to grips with this unrealistic tale. I don't at all like scifi/fantasy.
You obviously know and care about details of character and the show, and that's terrific! I can hear the tones of voice you describe, and they are Maude-like, though the other 2 reviewers have good points about paring down your descriptions. If you ever do write a story about the Findlays in their own universe, I will certainly read it.
| Baby-Cellophane chapter 1 . 8/23/2009
I honestly could not get through this chapter. The paragraphs are just these huge, dense blobs of text; when different characters speak, you hit the 'return' key so that each line of dialogue is a new paragraph.
Also, you use a ton of unnecessary adjectives here.
Plus, why does Maude have a talking baby lion? And why does she refer to him as her son?
| x-xMasqueradeAngelx-x chapter 1 . 8/14/2009
Okay, so I've just read some of this chapter, but I need to say this really. Its far too detailed, and it makes it repetitive which isn't good. The details are too much and need to be simplified "fluffy, feathery, bushy, slick, sleek, jet black raven hair and light brown ruffles around his neck, with his azure tail tufts and navy blue/cerulean toes" thats far too much on the description. You need to settle on the aspects like
Omari was a burgundy lion cub with feathery raven hair, that had light brown ruffles around his neck, his tail the colour of azure in contrast to his cerulean toes" now thats by no means perfect but it's better and should give you an idea. The problem is as well with that particular part is that fluffy and sleek don't really go together, because if it's fur is sleek it won't be really fluffy. So that doesn't make sense. I think as well after scrolling through it you really need to break this up a lot more, because at the moment the paragraphs are too big and chunky. They need to be thinned out a lot. You have some really good ideas on it, and trust me detail is good, I use it a lot, but you need to balance it, with dialogue and other aspects which are involved in a novel or fanfic. I hope this doesn't sound too critical, but I do think this needs looking over.