|Reviews for Crash Into You|
| vamptigergal chapter 19 . 1/16/2016
Sequel? Please say there's more?
| Every1sBeta chapter 19 . 8/31/2015
Okay, Chapter 18 made me cry, i'm glad that Sunny/Sides will be surviving this.
| Every1sBeta chapter 10 . 8/27/2015
Holy fuck this chapter hurt, it's 2:39 AM so i have to go to bed, so i'm definitely not getting sleep tonight.
But god dammit, i love Sunstreaker's character normally because he's just SUCH AN ASSHOLE (probably the same reason Prowl is my favorite character of all time) But god damn, this hurt to finish reading, i had my suspicions about halfway through last chapter about who Sunny cared about so much...and it was proven right there, and fuck did it hurt like hell.
I'll continue reading this amazing story over the next few days. but Damn is it good.
| Firewolves16 chapter 19 . 3/2/2015
At least most bots got their wish and mate. And I'm glad Jazz and Prowl lived.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 12 . 2/20/2015
Now, here’s to add on to the previous review.
Through all the TL;DR chapters, you have successfully written a story that makes zero sense. The premise – of an ancient ship holding the secrets to the future (a cliché) – does not meet its conclusion, and the Ancient Evil Awakens – the Quintessons – served no threat. You kept telling your readership how much of a threat they were, yet never actually showed how they were. The setting switches from Earth to Cybertron in a broken, confusing manner, and there are fight scenes, plans, and retarded plans that happen all the time and people can’t seem to realize how stupid they really are.
Now, the romances. There are no females in this story (how sexist of you), and yet, every character succeeds in being a female character. When they aren’t complaining about paint jobs, showers, or how they look, they have that I Can’t Live Without You memo that accompanies every sappy female romance story – ever. The thing is, your writing doesn’t actually improve. Amazingly, ‘Glitch’ was the one that was written the best, and that’s comparing shit covered in gold to liquid shit. This is all you are ever capable of writing, and now that’s your married and have kids, this is really, really pathetic to read. Now you’re a bored housewife that can’t find anything better to do.
These reviews are needed. Like other slash fangirls you think your shit doesn’t stink and that you are eager for reviews. But when someone like me comes around and actually gives you one, you either ignore it, block me, or go on tumblr to show how awesome you are to your equally retarded friends. In the end, what I say is truth, and here’s the truth, honey:
You are not a good writer. One story is about twincest, another about Prowl and Jazz’s buttbaby, because everyone gives two shits about that. You write very long, overly complicated (and in turn ridiculous) stories that have premises that don’t work, science that reads horrible to someone who likes science, and have plot lines that are burdened by characters instead of expanded by them. Your dialogue is cheesy and any character you come into contact with sounds the same, every single time. You cannot keep your vagina out of your work.
Yes, I acknowledge this work is from 2009. But the recent one I reviewed, ‘Glitch’ (I still won’t forget ‘weeping spikes’) I told you how you got Knock Out and Starscream out of character. You didn’t listen. The plot in THAT story was ridiculous, because you tried too hard to make characters gay when they weren’t. Here, you are too lazy to even do so. Like I said: it’s Nicolas Sparks, female version. Twilight manages to be better than this.
Overall analysis: overly long, overly dramatic, and misses the point. Author should really stop writing. The female centrism was overwhelming to the point I rolled my eyes more than once. I also forgot whatever happened in the story by this point.
A big, big mistake.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 11 . 2/20/2015
We have loads of ‘something ain’t right’, hanky panky from Ratchet and Sunstreaker, and this:
“Thundercracker was always too much of an Autobot” – Like Hell he is. Where’s my Good Ole Boy?
“You’ve always lubed up over strong mechs” – Oil, water-based, or anal?
“Elevator joint” – Wut.
We have more action, whether it’s still on Earth or Cybertron I don’t know. I assume it’s Cybertron. Basically everyone gets in a fight, shit blows up, and there are Baysplosions. However, the premise is dumb as shit. Shockwave has to be one of the dumbest wardens out there, and with all those security defense systems, they could have well rebuilt Cybertron by now. They are wasting their time dealing with Decepticons that posed no threats whatever, during a war they suddenly lost interest in, and in this whole TL;DR chapter, the following happened:
Stuff gets blown up. Shit happens. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, none of it makes sense, it has no logical beginnings or conclusions, and the pacing is awful. If I am not compelled to sit and read through this, and instead can breeze through this and pick up nothing, you have failed.
The villagers are carrying radioactive cubes that do not give them cancer automatically.
Apparently, you’ve never heard of radiation sickness. Wheeljack states that one cube can make mincemeat of the Earth, and yet the villagers are carrying ten of them to be suicide bombers. Also, Shockwave hasn’t heard of this and hasn’t started experiments, and Soundwave is nowhere to be seen. He’d easily be able to find the Autobots (what with Jazz and Prowl’s little escapades in Mexico) and hack into the military satellites and find out what they’re up to.
But no. We just have this.
Once again, Cybertronians do not require oxygen to live. Starscream ‘collapsing from lack of oxygen’ would never happen.
Oh, so NOW Soundwave appears. In Chapter EIGHTEEN. Holy Christ.
We have yet another medical bay scene. That’s...what? The seventh one?
We also have a shower scene. That is not a cliché.
“You’re my dirty old mech” – Boner killed.
“Continued his oral fondling” – Including exploding pop tarts. Stay tuned for extra sprinkles.
“Bonded mechs were not overly common” – Hidden case for gay marriage? You decide.
Nukes? Megatron has nukes and it took this long to show it? Well damn. It’s not like I care, anyways, because you were too busy talking about how much the gay robots ‘loved’ each other. It’s like trying to get a stick out of a clearly sappy, muddy puddle.
“Their tangled, corrupted love” – Jesus Christ, is EVERYONE Nicolas Sparks?
The Quintesson battleship is there...but you never...showed that it was. Through the whole TL;DR thing, you made ZERO mention of them! There was talk of Shockwave’s frigate, exploding cubes, gay sex, technological mumbo-jumpo, Fireflight being a pussy, gay sex, Suspender Striptease wanting the cock, gay sex, and gay sex. The Hell do the Quintessons fit into this?
“The beautiful face of Starscream” – That’s the author talking.
How can you ‘spit out’ something in a low and husky voice? Is he trying to be sexy?
“Breaking apart the aurora borealis” – No. They’re geomagnetic storms. They are unaffected by space debris. Someone didn’t do their research.
Chapter 18 was...interesting. A whole lot of stuff happened, but none of tied up any loose ends.
The Quintessons were defeated, even when they posed no threat; Megatron was killed even when he posed no threat; Starscream betrays him in an unsurprising twist; and a bunch of other characters are there that do absolutely nothing.
Those two words pop up a lot. Want to know why? Because you put all these characters in there and make them useless. I don’t know what you had in mind when you wrote this piece of shit, but it’s an illogical, badly premised, and poorly research work that you spent more time fapping over than thinking over. None of the battle scenes had any merit, and your human characters had no depth or impact on events as a whole. The thing is: there were no antagonists in this entire story, and there was no ultimate theme to be brought up in the work. All stories have a thesis at heart, and yours has none. It was a long, drawn out, Nicolas Sparks work, except instead of poorly written humans, you have robots that do not act like themselves and cry at each other in sappy tones when they’re not doing finger sex.
“How could one fail and being a failure” – In which the author admits her own mistakes.
“Ratchet had never any desire to sparkbond with a mech” – And yet he does, because the author painfully has to make that clear because we are all retarded.
Except for me, of course. Your other readers are.
Ratchet is not an emotionally charged, depressed maniac. He doesn’t sit down and tell people his entire life’s stories and how sad he is. He is not a proverbial teenager who’s upset they didn’t get a pony for their Sweet Sixteen. This emotionally charged, pile of shit bagpile acts, thinks, and behaves the same as any other character. If it weren’t for their names, I wouldn’t be able to tell who the fuck they were.
It ends with a kiss at sunset. That’s not a cliché, either.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 10 . 2/20/2015
Oh wow, porn. Guess what that will call for? A report. Or not, because even that sucks.
“Jazz knew he sounded like Starscream, petulant and whiny” – Because he does...? Thanks for the admission.
“My feelings can easily overwhelm me” – No shit, Sherlock.
“I feel so strongly about you...it paralyzes me...” – I LOVE YOU BUT YOU NEED TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
They woke up on a pebble beach in Mexico? I recall you never saying such a thing. You just said ‘a beach’. Now you’re adding geographical locations? Smart.
“You are not equal to me. You’re so much better” – I heard better dialogue in High School Musical.
“I asked if I could ravage you. He said it was a good idea, actually” – Ratchet, you need a wrench across your head. You are that retarded.
BB hasn’t seen a city, yet? For shame. For shame.
BTW, that sex scene did not scream ‘love’ to me. It screamed of Nicolas Sparks. You’re like a female version of that guy.
A lot more of nothing happens. Sunstreaker learns from Ratchet, a warehouse explodes, and more stuff happens on Cybertron because Shockwave’s building a Death Star – er, freighter.
The human characters have no personalities and they’re just there. They’re useless characters. Kup appears – no surprise – and the Seekers continue to go through their periods. None of them are in character. Hell, everyone acts like a chick. This should be called ‘High School Musical: Glee’. It has as much emotion as those shows.
Advanced optical peripherals. Science-y. More battle scenes and more shit no one gives two fucks about.
“Sunstreaker had wormed his way into Ratchet’s spark” – Like I didn’t see that coming.
“Being near Ratchet helped him discover a part of him that was lost” – This is so not a cliché.
“Your plan has a decent beginning” – His plan failed the first time. What makes you think it’s going to work now? I am still confused. I have no clue as to what’s going on. Most of this chapter was them doing finger painting! How is that relevant to anything? Hurr durr, making good stories is hard. Let’s just write them screwing, have babies, and call it quits! Make everyone do a happy dance!
Finger sucking sex. Makes sense.
BB loves Mirage, too? Wow, the surprises keep on coming, and the chapter ends with them shooting at an unknown enemy. What a cliffhanger.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 9 . 2/20/2015
I have six more chapters to go, and it makes it easier when there’s nothing to gain from these chapters. You see, I have a knack of getting the point of something around the first five sentences. Everyone who reads any story, fanfiction or otherwise, should understand what is happening and what will happen afterwards and before. You don’t do that. In this chapter we have a Star Wars-esque fight scene, copied straight out of the Death Star destruction scene in ‘A New Hope’. One of the purposes of battle scenes is for them to happen for a reason, and another, is for them to be exciting. Once again, you manage to make them completely boring.
If they’re shooting in subterranean tunnels with exposed circuitry that is flammable, everyone is going to die. It’s a vacuum. Oxygen is sucked through the tunnel and the flames, by nature, follow it. Sunstreaker and pals get shot at, for no reason in a fight that happens for no reason. Le sigh.
If Starscream destroyed a main grid of anywhere, all power will get cut off. It’s also not wise to be the only building to have power, especially if you’re in an Autobot militia force, on a planet ruled by a warden that sees everything.
Dude. Everyone should know how organics work by now. Ratchet’s entire speech is useless because, lo and behold, THEY’VE BEEN ON EARTH FOR A WHILE. There’s also something called the ‘Internet’. Not to mention, there is no oxygen on Cybertron. Their mechanical systems and engines work by other means.
“Unstained fruity fingers” – Either his fingers are openly gay, or he had a Fanta before breakfast. Choice is yours.
“Ratchet was entirely self-sufficient” – The ‘I’m a lonely guy I don’t need no stinkin’ women’ cliché. But he CLEARLY CAN’T WAIT TO GET THAT SUNNY ASS. Get it?
“Ratchet bemused where he had missed his chances for a partner...he was too old to be bonded” – Who cares? Not everything is about snagging a hot bachelor. Especially when, you know, they’re busy fighting a war.
Skywarp and Thundercracker do the down-low, and so does Starscream. We have more ‘I hate the stars/whatever because IT REMINDS ME OF HOW MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME, GNAAAAAAAAA’ cliché.
This is tackier than a fruit cake made from screws.
Wow, Prowl admits that their entire plan is stupid. Where are his logical centres? What happened to all the Energon deposits on Earth? Hurr durr.
Cybertronians, again, do not require oxygen. They do not breathe.
This entire treasure hunt is about going to Starscream’s lab, Starscream sneering and acting like a douche, among other things. Shockwave goes ‘wellp, I got rid of ‘em, don’t need to do shit’ and doesn’t do anything, the other Autobots sit around and do nothing, and there’s all this brouhaha going on with no clear explanation. It’s a Baysplosions of fanfiction.
“I remember loving him...You don’t know the meaning of the word!” – Boo hoo. My optics are leaking lubricant. (Thank you again, Breakdown.)
“You don’t even like us” – He sure doesn’t, Thundercracker. Now kick him to the curb.
“I have nothing to give you” – You don’t have anything to give us, either, Starscream.
Wow. You made the Trine a bunch of whiny teenagers. I noticed that every single character speaks with the same voice. Or, better yet...you’re projecting yourself through them. Really unwise, honey.
I still have no idea what is going on, and I’m nearing the end!
If only Tommy Wiseau can help me.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 8 . 2/20/2015
“They shared into each other’s gaze” – BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE...
“I’m actually nervous in front of you” – Jesus fucking Christ what is this. This is not Jazz. It’s some Amanda Bynes teenager.
“Show me yer love” – IT’S OKAY TO BE GAY REJOICE WITH THE VOICE
How do robots have wet breath? Congratulations: you’ve humanized them.
“World-defining kiss”? – Who knew that entire planets could conjure from Gay Dude One and Two. Good God. The romance is just...well you know what I think of it already. The romance is God awful. It’s like it’s all you know how to write, and you put more effort into the sex scenes than you did for the entire thing. We have that ‘Sex Before Colossal Battle’ thing. I am really surprised Megatron isn’t in on the plot, because last I checked, he hated the Quintessons, too. Ah, well. He can go to Hell.
Another Rec Room scene. NO ONE CARES. Srs.
“Sideswipe had had other lovers...flings with other mechs” – Great. Now he’s on the down-low, too. How surprising.
“Sunstreaker hadn’t experienced much happiness in his life” - ...What are you talking about. This dude loves kicking ass and is absolutely brutal whenever someone touches his brother. Good to see you lowered him to a simpering, quivering mess. Makes for a better twincest, eh?
So they’re preparing for the big battle against the Big Bads even though the Big Bads have posed zero threat to nobody. Not even the other Decepticons have appeared. You would think with all the technology the Cybertronians have, and with circumstantial archaeological evidence, someone would have noticed that ship by now. But no. Prowl has a ‘eureka!’ moment, has the spirit of a gay robot inside him, experiences hallucinations, and got shot at by Starscream on a trek that no one knows what was for. You see, when you establish events, they need to have a reason. That way, we readers can actually know what’s going on. You haven’t done this. I assume you assume we’re all idiots and just want to read it for the slash. Slash fanfics are notorious for having bad plots, and few have the balls to actually tell the authoresses what people really think of them.
They’re going to attack the Decepticons? What for? Nowhere in this fic have they antagonized anybody. There is no visible antagonist present. Where are the Big Bads?
“The Seekers had done nothing to earn their trust” – No shit, Sherlock. They shouldn’t even be there. But they are because of some stunt in Oklahoma, and Starscream continues to pose no threat. They’re going to attack the Nemesis because the Seekers are returning even when they made it clear Megatron has no interest in taking them back. For what reason he ditched them I’m not sure; you implied that Starscream tried unsuccessfully to usurp Megatron, again.
The Nemesis, the Decepticon flagship, just happens to be alone at the bottom of the ocean and the pressure doesn’t crunch the metal, as what would happen in real life. I think they would have suspected a trap, because the lights are off and nobody’s home. What was the point of them going down there? Getting information? Seekers are useless underwater and the pressure, again, would crush their wings. That’s why they’re built for high altitudes. It’s called physics, hon. Go open a book sometime.
Jet engines, especially in cold weather, cool off pretty fast when they are not used. Look how fast a spoon cools after it has been removed from stirring pasta in boiling water. Matter of fact, ever seen boiling hot water thrown in -40 C weather? It instantly turns to steam.
They’re going to Shockwave’s? Why...? It’s going to be hard for them not to be spotted by Shockwave. That guy is the warden for a reason.
You mean to tell me, that with all the data they get from Cybertron, they DIDN’T realize there were militia groups? No wonder they were taken off guard. They really suck at planning. You know, there’s a wonderful thing called a spy, and they do their job to prevent catastrophes like this from happening. I still don’t know why they’re attacking Cybertron when, you know, they have the Quintessons that are apparently more badass because of evolution. Or something like that. I don’t know; you never explained anything and are fond of leaving up loose ends.
You have all these long chapters, but they don’t actually DO anything. It’s like watching a ten-hour film of a man eating his dinner. We know he’s eating. We want him to get it over with. So why make it longer than it needs to be? Answer: because you live under the illusion that what you’re writing is good.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 7 . 2/20/2015
The previous chapter, being a bunch of high-school drama llamas that only a woman can write, this chapter turns up the volume with more drama and medbays, more useless characters, and loads of paragraphs that do...absolutely nothing!
“The Enforcer was dirty, ugly, and corrupted now” – Uh oh. The virgin had sex with a guy outside of her parent’s wishes! STONE HIM! STONE HIM NAO!
Virgin shaming. For shame, lassie. For shame.
“Cold fury”? Contradiction. Fury means uncontrolled anger. Coldness implies no emotion. Another problem adding to the list of unending problems...
More med-bay scenes, and Jazz and Prowl do the hanky-panky. Like I couldn’t see that coming.
Le sigh. Is everything in this story so utterly predictable? Nothing in it has any choice or consequence. It has no underlying themes or purpose. For that, you have failed. Among other things, of course. The romance is forced, unrealistic, and emotionally empty. Every other character has no voice to them, and you have added nothing to them to make them actually do something other than stand there.
BB was with a human team for reasons not explained, and he suddenly leaves them. The Decepticons do nothing at all in this story; Suspender Striptease does a good job of complaining, and the Quintesson plot does a good job of trying to be serious but ends up coming off as serious as a feminist making a commercial about tampons.
Sunstreaker also has some twincest thoughts. Because fucking your own twin is totally normal, am I right?
Jian hopes that the Decepticons will help him bring a new order, but it’s obvious that they have no intention of keeping any promise. I would have thought a Chinese man used to living under the throes of Communism, political control, and censorship would know these guys were up to no good.
We also have the ‘You and I will rule the world together’ cliché. A paragraph later he thinks they won’t hold up their end of the bargain, despite him saying, without a doubt, that they would help him rule the world.
This dude is either a numb nut or is psychotic not to remember his own thoughts. Or is it the author showing herself through her work?
No surprise – he dies. The human factor plays absolutely no role in this story, so you might as well not even go there. It’s a Red Herring. If it has no purpose, don’t put it in there.
“Everyone else needs you, Jazz” – EXCEPT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE WHY CAN’T YOU FUCK ME ALREADY
“Inhaling that smell that was so uniquely Jazz” – Introducing Chanel No. 5, Transformers edition.
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve loved you?” – Introducing a Nicolas Spark’s novel, Transformers edition.
“We’ve been perfect together” – Er, no. I would have preferred it if Prowl beat the shit out of Jazz with the wrench. That would have been more exciting than this entire thing.
The Decepticon signal was found on the border of Uzbekistan and Afghanistan and does not get the attention of any rebels in the area. Someone does not understand geography or those nations’ histories.
“How much of this was a grand scheme” – None of it? The whole thing is a TL;DR ‘The Notebook’.
“He failed at that entirely” – In which the authoress talks about her writing.
“His feelings had always been there...but hidden away...” – Gay robots coming out of the closet. Like I couldn’t see that coming. More feels, more bitching. Get on with the damn story already.
“Here at the end of his life and last mission, he found his feelings for Jazz” – There are more than five paragraphs detailing Prowl’s love for this sap. It’s like Bella lamenting about Edward’s eyes in Twilight.
If the ‘Cons plan to nuke the entire planet, they’re going to die, too. It’s like this fact flew over your head. I still don’t understand the human factor, like, at all.
The romance is cringe-worthy, among other things. All this stuff about Prowl wrapping his arms around Jazz, all the ‘I just can’t live without you’ dialogue, yeeeeeeeeeuck. Only women could enjoy this crap. It’s so sappy it has more sap than a thousand year old tree that has never dried up.
Erm...evolution was already occurring before 65 million years ago. It started when life began from single celled eukaryotes and when the world was a mass of molten rock.
“Your plan is still terrible” – In which the author discusses her own story.
“They won’t risk air transportation. Not with our air superiority and satellite capability” - ...THIS IS WHEN YOU FINALLY USED IT?! YOU SHOULD HAVE USED IT IN THE BEGINNING. Dear God, you are slow. SLOW. I am so glad every single Autobot is a retard and sits around moping whether Prowl is going to get with his gay lover or not. Seriously. This whole story can be summed up this: nothing fucking happens.
Starscream and his Trine aren’t hunted down by the rest of the Decepticons, Starscream does nothing but serve as the mobile explanation bot, and everyone just looks at them and goes ‘Yup, you’re one of us now.’ Yeah...no. You keep saying that the Quintessons are a threat, but with all the cataclysms that have happened on Earth since 65 million years ago, and all the climate changes, and then being part organic, the Quintessons are capable of doing absolutely nothing. They post zero threat, aside from Gay Lovers One and Two, who are too busy fondling each other in the bed.
Maybe they should have stayed enslaved.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 6 . 2/20/2015
Skyfire and the rest of his pals do a great job of standing around and getting shot. Starscream does a wonderful job of telling the audience of the master plan, that Prowl and Jazz are the only ones that can stop the Ancient Evil That Has Awoken and other expositions that already scream Cracker Barrel Cheese. I am also amazed that in the modern world of satellites, phones, and Internet, a giant alien crashing into a desert or in any town in America amazingly does not make headlines.
We also have the ‘Souls Merging Into One’ cliché, as well as ‘Past Dude’s Experience Merge into Present Dude’s Mind’ cliché. Happens in a lot of films, actually. The storyline makes Harry Potter seem brilliant in comparison.
Cybertronians do not require oxygen to breathe, so I am not sure why they have O2 pistons in their systems. They are already used to living on a planet with no atmosphere, so ventilations with oxygen are not needed. Of course, if it were to reduce the risk of rust, that’d be one thing. But in this, you’re subtly humanizing the Transformers and hoping no one would notice past all the technical crap. But I noticed. I noticed, fraulein.
Trailbreaker dies and I don’t give a shit. Who was he, anyways? Killing off characters that are meant to have an impact, plot, emotionally, or otherwise, but not adding any significance to them will make the audience wonder who that person/thing/individual was in the first place. You have a great tendency to attach nothingness and Who Gives a Fuck-ness to every single character here.
Another big mistake: petroleum and the fuels we use for energy are not from fossil fuels. They are hydrocarbons. They are found as far away as the Horsehead Nebula in space. It is also found on Mars. Someone did not do their research.
“I feel passionately about things, Jazz. Too strongly” – So...he’s an overreacting woman? Makes sense. But this isn’t how Prowl acts. He has no time for petty feelings such as this. Jazz doesn’t have time to mope around and do nothing while Prowl’s too busy going in and out of the med-bay like it’s going out of style.
That reminds me: the entire running away scene with Starscream and the Seekers is ridiculous. This is the US we’re talking about. Communications towers, satellites, and cameras everywhere. Soundwave apparently isn’t on the job and Starscream is too busy acting like a preening princess to do anything worth nothing. A lot of things happen, but no purpose or logical connection is made between any of them. I fully believe and remain convinced by the fact that you wrote this story with just Jazz/Prowl in mind and went ‘fuck it’ with the logic.
“My feelings can easily overwhelm me” – Oh, for the love of –
Stop. Stop it now, woman.
“Jazz’s body wracked with electric sobs” – Ouch. Sounds like one Hell of a rave.
“The only mech he ever loved” – Oh, boo hoo. My optics are leaking. (Thank you, Breakdown.)
Solar power is notoriously unreliable. Even if the sun were shining all 24 hours of the day, it would not be enough to power a house day in, day out, let alone Skywarp’s warping abilities. That takes a tremendous amount of force and energy (quantum mechanics, lol) and would need an energy source other than the sun to do it. Clearly Skywarp had other ways to make it work. The Sun simply wouldn’t cut it. Directly harnessing its power, that’s one thing. But through a solar panel? Great way to waste resources and energy.
The five guys go back to the Ark, and Prowl tells the crew everything that he knows and they magically believe him with no evidence other than his hallucinations to back him up. There are more talking heads, useless dialogue, and useless paragraphs that do nothing at all but stuff the pages with meaningless words that do not register a clean, logical point. If you can’t do that, you are not a good writer. Good at spinning webs of crap, but not so good at weaving tales.
“Prowl, his Prowl, the love of his life, was going to merge with Starscream?” – I’m just as confused as he is, except I didn’t do a 1950’s style of a woman fainting at something disgusting. There are a lot of retarded plot points and lines in stories like these, and this is one of them. Of course we have to have Prowl merge with Starscream; it adds tension and the ‘the love of my life is giving her body to another!’ quip. Maybe, instead of doing something as stupid as that, I don’t know, THEY CAN USE THE FUCKING INTERNET. They have INTELLIGENCE OPERATIVES. You wrote that the humans were helping them, and a Decepticon base in Eastern China isn’t going to go unnoticed, especially in a nation of ONE BILLION PEOPLE.
You are a flipping dumbass.
“One leg hanging off the berth and the other bent at his knee-joint, near his groin-plating” – That’s a typical female move. Totally not gay, either.
“Quaking feelings and uncontrollable emotions” – Get over it, Jazz. Your highschool GF went with Suspender Striptease, so you better get some Hagen Daas ice cream now.
Good to know Jazz went full OOC (and retard) and went the CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIN, THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL route. Because Prowl is an asshole because he doesn’t realize his poor feelings for poor Jazz.
Boo hoo. My optics are lubricating. (Again, thank you Breakdown.)
| The Fox Familiar chapter 5 . 2/20/2015
I don’t care if this is a fictional piece. It is a representation of your ideas, your viewpoints, your loves. A disclaimer will not save you, nor ever will.
“Poorly written popcorn novels” – In which the author discusses her own story.
Weapons’ smuggling rings are as popular and will not be easily vanquishes. Like a Hydra, if you cut one head off, two more take its place. Weapon rings are intrinsically linked to drug rings and human trafficking rings. There will always be clients and buyers. I’m not sure what time period this is taking place in (I assume the ‘80’s), so there is a LOT of customers. Iran, Afghanistan, Arabia, Africa, etc. Lots of customers.
“Mathematical percentage determinations” – What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, I see. You’re one of /those/ people that write complete nonsense trying to sound smart. The usual pick of the litter, aye.
A.Q. Khan is not a Pakistani name. It sounds Arabic or Mongolian. Also, ‘Brilliant Pakistani scientists’ are virtually nonexistent. There are more brilliant Israeli and Chinese scientists, en masse. Not to mention, China doesn’t need Pakistani scientists. They have their own. Someone doesn’t understand international affairs.
So this is modern era. Why didn’t you say so? I guess people don’t need to be told what time era we’re in, O Mighty One.
The Chinese weapons manufacturer runs a shady ring that’s highly secretive, even to his own government, and it’s Libya that spills the beans. That... is really, really idiotic. Jian doesn’t really stand out; he’s your standard, almost James Bond-esque character that serves absolutely zero purpose other than the ‘I’m part of a secret government/program and I got busted/contacted by another organization’ cliché.
Earth is blue and green, not blue and white.
Enough with the ‘quantum entanglement’. You don’t understand it and it’s getting tiresome.
“Broke apart the atomic chains of everything within it” – No...you wrote the ships crashing in North America, when iridium is found in the Earth’s crust – created FOUR BILLION YEARS AGO. Goddammit. Go read a fucking book.
“Starscream felt this was a waste of time” – In which Starscream describes what I’m thinking.
You abuse the word ‘enraged’. It’s used almost a dozen times in this chapter alone.
Le gasp. The plot starts to come together because Starscream and Prowl explain it all, and the readers couldn’t figure it out on their own. You must assume that your readers are complete idiots.
Sure, a lot of them are, but I’m not.
Inb4 quantum entanglements.
When you can’t write characters well, you have a tendency to suspend disbelief so much that it gets ridiculous. The Quintessons are coming back. Like no one suspected that. There’s a magical crater filled with magic. That’s not a cliché. Cybertron is going to be destroyed again yet I as a reader don’t know what state it’s currently in: destroyed, or repaired. The war’s still going on so I assume that it is still in ruins. You don’t describe events outside of these character’s heads, and when they are not talking heads, the following happens:
Absolutely fucking nothing. It took you seven chapters to get to the obvious while not setting up any suspense or surprise in your readers. If this is meant to be a sort of suspense thing, where the threat is real and not imagined, then you need to make it seem like a threat. Having Prowl go serial killer and Starscream conveniently describe the plot for us is not only laziness, it’s cheap writing.
The future romance already seems forced and ridiculous. You castrated these characters, and when you didn’t make them de-facto women, you created these useless scenarios that do absolutely fucking nothing.
Get that yet? I’m skimming through these chapters because there is nothing to gain from them. So far, you’re failing as a story-teller, and haven’t gotten much better.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 4 . 2/20/2015
We have more scenes of the Rec Room, the medic’s lounge, and other areas that serve no purpose whatsoever but to bludgeon this storyline along. If you can’t describe a chapter in under one sentence, or five sentences, then you’re writing oodles and noodles of nothing. The dialogue is your state-of-the-mill Nicolas Spark’s dialogue, and there are all these characters here that don’t do anything at all except be there. I still don’t know the reason for Prowl’s attack, other than the fact that he’s starting to seizure and it starts an OMG WHAT DO WE DO line like something out of Fringe.
“The intruder was their own 2IC” – Gee, I really couldn’t tell it was him. It was clearly obvious it was him.
“I’m not strong enough to do this!” – TALKING TO THE WALLS AGAIN Three Days Grace, get it? No? Dammit. Anyways, the heart-wrenching dialogue tried to be the parting farewell like that of Jack and Rose in Titanic, and managed to fail in every possible way. There is no compatibility between these characters and Jazz just crumbles into a sappy, pity-eyed son of a bitch that needs to be bitch slapped.
“I’m not the person you think I am...I’m a coward” – Oh for the love of...Yes, I can clearly tell a woman wrote this. The dialogue couldn’t possibly be this bad.
I don’t care if this is from 2009, your writing has not improved.
Prowl goes under the knife AGAIN. It’s not like we don’t know that already.
Prowl goes full Gone Girl in Jazz’s wetdream. If only he could beat the shit out of that guy already.
That’s not Jazz. That’s Mr. Whiner McWhiny. He needs to STFU and get a Klondike bar.
‘Collum’? It’s ‘column’ you dumbass.
“I want to feel you...GET AWAY FROM ME I’M DANGEROUS” – The cheesiness keeps on coming, doesn’t it?
A good chunk of this chapter was just Jazz going in and out of consciousness. Prowl also goes nuts whenever he is in the presence of Jazz, which is also not a cliché. Jazz acts OOC all the time, and when he isn’t whiny, he’s just disobeying orders because he can. Prowl is hilariously OOC. He’s like a female serial killer pretending to be good so she can seduce a man and when she’s done doing the deed, she chops his penis off and proceeds to skullfuck him. Jazz CANNOT stop wailing, or when he isn’t talking about his depression and shame Prowl is scratching at his jail cell walls and being a nut bar. You wrote previously that he’s logical and what not, and he most certainly is not logical here.
You also never add an apostrophe to ‘won’t.’ Someone didn’t proofread.
Prowl’s getting residual memories from the ‘bots that crashed in the first chapter. I also did not see that coming. Prowl breaks out, Jazz has more touchy feely moments, Starscream and his mates appear at the end for the cinch, and, well, nothing else happens. As I’ve said before, there are a lot of words, but nothing to make of them. I don’t think you’re used to saying what you mean and going by that principle. If you can’t say what you mean, you might as well not speak at all. For now, your tongue wobbles this way and that, and you may think you’re creating a good story, but you’re not.
To be quite honest, it reminds me a lot of ‘An Adjustment of Plans’ from . She is infamous for creating these horrible, boring, OOC stories that people seem to adore. No matter. So long as I am here, there will be things to say. What I have in mind for you will be long, honest, and scathing, because you deserve it. I will review all of your stories. You may think I am spamming you, but these things are in order and have been on the block for a while.
It is time for their execution, and for your works to be skewered.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 3 . 2/20/2015
We have the cliché of ‘This guy was badly damaged and we don’t know if he’ll ever be the same’, among other things. I still have no clue as to why the fight happened or why Prowl or anyone else couldn’t detect Decepticons. Yes, I get they jammed the signals, but even then, they have eyes. They must be blind, deaf and dumb. But we need Prowl to die/not die for the drama to happen and for his relationship with Jazz to happen, because Reasons.
“His optics lingered on his lip plates” – Yup. I know where this is going.
You know, you have a talent for writing paragraphs and paragraphs of...nothing. The entire medical operation, the events therein and thereof, just bore me senseless. They have nothing to hold me to them, there is no risk or excitement in reading them, because I know in the end that Prowl is going to live and he’s going to go with Jazz. If he didn’t, your entire shipping fic would fall apart.
“Prowl determined that they needed more intelligence” – You don’t say? Gee, if they had Mirage on their mission, Prowl would have never gotten shot. But we can’t have logical explanations, can we?
So there are reunions, more meaningless dialogue, useless apologies, and a talk with humans over corrupted signals. Prowl has a seizure and ends up going back to the doctor. What, exactly, was the purpose of this chapter? A chapter has to have an event that pushes the story forward. The previous chapters, and the forthcoming ones, fail to keep any interest and, again, are effective at discussing nothing. It’s like listening to a meeting of executives, but all of them are on mute and repeat.
“The humans were great allies” – You mean Americans. They are only talking with US Army Generals, here.
Ooh. Matrix chains and quantum values...lemme guess, you consulted Google over that? Because while that is nice hodgepodge, it’s still nonsense. It’s like a futuristic Enigma Code.
“What had happened” – I don’t know, what just happened?
Yes, we know Megatron is evil. We know Starscream is sly. The readership, or at least me, is not completely retarded and I know these high-tech mumbo-jumbo words are meant to show the Quintessons are in on it. It’s not that hard to grasp.
“After having calmed himself from his worried frenzy” – Christ, this guy worries every five minutes when Prowl’s gone. He needs to take a chill pill.
You know the whole lingo between Jazz and Prowl reminds me of that Shingles commercial with the old guy and his wife. Just as dramatic and just as red and raw as the dude’s back. Sadly, that commercial made more sense as this story does thus far.
The US Army is going to use the Autobots to hunt down their political enemies. This certainly wouldn’t piss off Russia or any nations under the Iron Curtain.
‘Oh, hi. We just happen to have giant, powerful alien robots that can nuke your poor ass and despite us not signing a peace treaty, we’re going to hunt you guys over enemy lines. I hope you’re cool with that.’
They’re sending BB as leader for this? Dude...he’s too young for that. And too sensitive. I guess none of them watched clips of Vietnam?
“I know you love shootin’ Prowl” – You see, had you used proper grammar this would have been “I know you love shooting, Prowl.” The way this is worded it says that Prowl loves shooting himself.
Prowl pulled a River Tam, and is going back to the med bay. Ratchet must be drinking on the job not to notice these frequent outbursts. You have spent almost five chapters talking about Prowl’s outbursts. It’s getting tiresome.
He shaved off his fingers and has a mental breakdown. Hmm, where have I seen that before? Oh, yeah. Every single story that tries to showcase an insane/clinically disturbed character. Christ, lady. Get your own ideas.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 2 . 2/20/2015
“One annoying cheerful cum medic” – Wat.
Well this was a boring chapter. Everyone gets into a fight, and yet we don’t know why. Prowl gets beat up like that Irish dude in “Casino” and still I have no idea what on Earth is going on here. It seems when it comes to action, character development, and storylines, you’re pretty bad. Sure, you write very prettily and think you can spin a tale, but to a trained eye like mine, it won’t work.
We have all these characters here and they do nothing. What’s the point of having them there if they don’t do anything? What’s the point of having a battle scene if there isn’t a conflict that must be resolved? These are basic how-tos of writing and even they seem to fly right over your head.
Among ‘weeping spikes’, of course.
“Prowl was eerily still through it all” – Well, duh. He has head damage. People are eerily still because of this _
Blah, blah blah, medical scenes, medical drama, blah blah blah. I still don’t know why the fight happened.
“Ratchet was a brilliant medic...none of them were sure he could do this” – The ‘He’s a Brilliant Doctor But This Is One Case He Can’t Solve and Yet Will Clearly Solve’ cliché.
Now, everyone does this and I’m going to say it. We KNOW Jazz has a verbal tic. If you write his verbal tic, it just sounds like he has shit in his mouth. In the shows, G1 and Animated, you could understand him. You can’t here.
“Prowl was decorum and logic” – Yet he clearly has some emotional baggage and Jazz is the only one that can save him, am I right?
They’re dropping recording in dead zones where Decepticons like to hide that apparently don’t reveal their operations...? Dead zones are called that because no one lives there. It’s like putting a phone in the middle of No Man’s Land so you can make calls to get some 1914 take-out.
Instead of sending whole groups out to get dead-drop recordings, you can just send out a spy. Hell, Jazz can do it all by himself. He’s good at that. Why waste forces on a recovery mission when you need them on other missions? Why waste squads on dead zones where Decepticons like to hide when you can send out a small team of saboteurs/spies to do it for you?
Sense. This would make sense.
“Prime never knew when Jazz has fallen for Prowl though” – Here we go.
“He suspected Jazz’s feelings for the Enforcer just before they left the Ark” – Because a mega-prick and a laid back dude are great in the bed together. Right? RIGHT?
“Jazz would occasionally work himself into a tightly coiled knot...destructive to his cheerful spirit” – ‘I’m a pretty cool guy but deep down I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.’ Seriously? This isn’t Jazz. He’s the complete opposite. Him working in any knot would not even be close to what he does. He’s been alive for millions of years, and of course it’s the token cliché to have the most culture-savvy, kick ass dude that would share a beer with you be a lonely wrist slitter at night.
“Jazz was comfortably content being Prowl’s friend” – Prowl gives him the friendzone and Jazz still wants to fuck him. Despite the sentences talking about how sacred their friendship is, they still need to have a tangle in the bed, because SEX.
“We need half the mechs to donate” – Where the hell are all their energon reserves they got from Earth? Did they do a Titanic and drank it all before SHTF? Prowl isn’t a dinobot. Unless everybody dumped their energon cubes out the window, there’d be no reason for donors.
Uh-oh. Sideswipe is getting shit from Jazz for letting his lover get shot at by Prowl. That’s extremely OOC for him. He certainly is moody and emotional, like a woman.
Blah blah blah, more medical drama on whether Prowl is going to live or not. They end up having butt babies in later stories, so he has to live for this to happen. Anyways, the way everyone’s acting makes it seem as if it’s Big Brother gone bad. Jazz wants to protect his lady (if he was so worried, maybe HE should have been there) and everyone doesn’t know whether Prowl is going to make it off the table. It has the tension of a bad soap opera.
“This is not what we need to be doing right now.” Prime was enraged’. – Yes, I can clearly tell that he was. No exclamation marks, no heaving of breath, no clenching fists. Who knew rage could come out in a single sentence?
Looks like Chapter Four has even more medical drama. Let’s go on to that, shall we?