|Reviews for Lineage|
| Jet Set Yoyo chapter 4 . 6/15/2011
Man what a great ending. :3
I have to say out of all the chapters combined, I like this one the most. Maybe it's the action; that always catches my attention.
I really love the way you captured the emotions of everyone and it's nice to read the final battle in a different person's view. You did great connecting this chapter to the rest of them as well; probably better than the other ones.
This was one of my favorite lines; "They felt her there, staring blankly at the spot the cup had fallen, completely lost in memory. It was the bearer of the curse that brought death upon her family, the very reason that the Death Eaters had killed so many of her kin. She screamed, kicked at the air where it had been, and fell into a crumpled heap on the ground." I'm wondering though, was the 'felt' in the beginning supposed to be left? It would seem to make more sense there.
My second favorite part was here; "He was punished of course and Susan covered Hannah's eyes as the sorting hat, which had been placed upon his head, was lit on fire. Neville was burning and every second became a life long moment as several students began to rush forward to help him. Everything became frozen in time a mere second later as flashes of scenes began to etch themselves into their minds. Giants and centaurs were fighting, people where rushing at them from the gate that led into the castle grounds, Neville had killed the Dark Lord's snake Nagini."
You summed up what happened without going into too much detail but that short paragraph seemed to catch everything important and send a clear picture. I did read the book though, so maybe my mind is filling in the details for me. w
I never have anything to really critique with your writing, but at least I can point out what I liked I guess. I hope I'm at least being helpful somehow. Sorry this last one took so long.
| Jet Set Yoyo chapter 3 . 5/5/2011
I love the first line: "The cup was there, on the mantle, like some sort of trophy; as if they had actually won it by killing Hepzibah Smith. It was all rather insulting."
I can see it now, the cup sitting there on the mantle and the Death Eaters sitting at the nearby table. It also tells clearly what had happened in the time between the previous chapter and the current one in only a couple words.
"Edgar's mind was wild, blocking out all the sounds of the room so that the Death Eaters before him seemed to convulse like mimes pretending to laugh. " This is another good line, especially the last part of it.
Still great imagery. I wish I was as good at critiquing as you are; I feel bad for my reviews not being as good as yours.
| Jet Set Yoyo chapter 2 . 5/5/2011
I've probably said this before, my memory fails me late at night, but you have this uncanny ability to mesmerize me into your work. I like Harry Potter, but my interest in it is minimal; however I've been reading a bunch of your HP fics and I find myself wanting to read more.
Again in this chapter you have a lot of good imagery, I can almost close my eyes and watch all this play out.
I especially liked the last two paragraphs. I'm not actually sure why, but it strikes me as interesting.
I can't really point out any flaws in the story, I never was good at it and your grammar and sentence structure is better than mine; that I can say.
The only thing I can point out is in this line: "So he repackaged up all his belongings into his small satchel and headed down to the bar to order a drink from the barkeeper, who of course was the same man as the innkeeper." I wasn't aware that he had unpacked at all. I figured he had just gotten into the room and was left alone just moments previous by the barkeep but I don't really think it's a big deal.
| Jet Set Yoyo chapter 1 . 3/29/2011
Hey there, sorry about making you wait so long for my review. I had to re-read it because it's been so long since I read it the first time that I wouldn't be able to give a good enough review.
I especially love the imagery in here. The description of Helga was well done and I like how Annabelle thought of her as a Fairy.
Another thing I liked was the way you wrote it in Annabelle's perspective. I could just imagine her as a real person and you were definitely consistent throughout the whole thing. From her thoughts to her reactions, it was well written.
Towards the end I got a little confused, maybe because I'm tired and the game my friend is playing beside me is distracting me. They seemed to go to a lot of places within only sentences. I imagine the in-between wasn't all that important to the story such as the carriage ride to the estate but it was just over and done with in a single sentence. Maybe it's because I've never written that way; I'm not sure.
Also, did you mean estate as in Hogwarts or Helga's personal house? Here:
"For now she could only help orphans who did not have a family to deal with. This kept the amount of "SINNER!" comments to a minimum. Something that Annabelle understood all too well having grown up in that world. But now she was home, well at least until she was seventeen, as she stood on the grounds of the newly opened Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
and the next paragraph they're suddenly at Hogwarts and I had to stop and re-read a few paragraphs up to see if I was missing something.
Something else confused me, but I re-read it and it made sense so I won't mention it. It's probably because I was distracted and missed the comma completely. Haha.
Other than the few things that threw me off a bit, I think overall that it's a great chapter and a good start to the story. I'll be sending a review for each of the other chapters soon but for now I need to go beat somebody up for being so obnoxious while I'm reading.