|Reviews for hackUBIQUITY|
| twilightwrites chapter 12 . 8/18/2009
Man, things are starting to get exciting! Is Demostheses and Locke manipulating Lawk's mind somehow? It sure seems like that! But you need to implement the changes for this constructive crit. to have meant anything. loti XD Update soon!
| twilightwrites chapter 9 . 8/15/2009
I forgot to ask this before: are the players' names Locke and Demontheses references to the book series Ender's Game? Also, I've decided to submit a review every 3 or 4 chapters, to make sure I can give out the maximum amount of constructive criticism I can. So, here goes:
I noticed that several times throughout the chapter, you made Navel reference things that one could not reference in the first person. For example:
"I was a glowing mass of power; my eyes were white orbs, my outfit was blowing in a wind that seemed to emanate from within my body. I was filled with a strange, new power."
Nobody can see their own eyes without looking in the mirror, so that can contradict things. Another example was here:
"I had made a vital mistake. Inadvertently, I gave her the time she needed to prepare another powerful skill. As I cast a healing spell, she conjured a bright blue energy in her sword, near the hilt. I glanced up to the white flash heading in my direction."
If he's focusing on his wound, he shouldn't be able to see Miluda powering up for another attack. I think it would make more sense if he didn't and it would be more surprising if he had only looked up to see the attack at the last final second before it hit.
| twilightwrites chapter 6 . 8/14/2009
So THAT'S why Locke wanted to battle Beatrix! He needed another 'experiment'; how sick. And I feel so bad for Lawk, too...
But out of curiousity, how can there be blood when the characters are fighting? Personally, I've never played the .hack/ games, but they never mentioned blood in the novels or manga I read. Also, I feel that there should be more description of the setting, to distinguish one server from another and to make things more realistic for the reader.
| twilightwrites chapter 3 . 8/10/2009
I tried to review this fanfiction several times, only to get error messages, so I can't fully remember what I wrote, but I'm going to try anyway.
So far I am really enjoying this fic! It reminds me of the other .hack/ stories, but at the same time it seems to stand on its own. Navel is a good, 3-D character, too. It's nice to see someone who can actually make good OCs! The emotion in it is a bit better in this chapter than in the other chapters, but the action scenes could use some work. It would be nice if you could describe every move-every slash of the sword, every wave of the wand, the impact of each attack hitting its target! That would make things more thrilling.
But all in all, it's a good fic with characters that seem pretty realistic.