|Reviews for Yūrei|
| Tylec Asroc chapter 1 . 3/26/2010
I really enjoyed the opening to your story, and how you lingered on every small, sensory detail to produce a very calm, lazing pace. I would like to point out a few phrases that I thought sat awkwardly.
"The words which came off my tongue like a waterfall".
As I mentioned, the first paragraph establishes a very relaxed tone. There is 'silence' and 'serenity' at this moment, and Minto's every motion is slow and deliberate, imbued with a lady-like sense of delicacy. A waterfall, on the other hand, is an enormous, super-charged torrent of water; it has magnitude and raw power. I could see Minto speaking like a waterfall if she were cursing, but her response to Ichigo is very calm despite its nastiness. I wonder if a smaller image of water - a fountain or a stream - might have been more appropriate.
"My chair was dragged backwards as I rose from my seat".
I'm uncertain as to the speed and composure of Minto's actions. The use of the passive voice in this phrase (subject-object) slows down the action and suggests some calmness, but the verb "dragged" implies a bit of force and violence to her motion, and describing her motion immediately after Ichigo's retort (as opposed to lingering on facial expression or sensory detail as in paragraph 3) suggests a knee-jerk reaction.
I think it's interesting that Zakuro, despite being the driving force of the plot - inspiring Ichigo's retorts and Minto's anguish, never makes an actual appearance in the story, not even by name. She's just "Oneesama". This absence really drives home the separation between Minto's ideal romance (what she 'manages to persuade' herself of) and the reality of the situation. Oneesama might as well be a yurei herself - lacking a physical presence and existing only in memories.
You've written a very lovely story, Saba, and accomplished a lot in such a short span of words.
| Mina-chii chapter 1 . 12/18/2009
...That's so sad...
| True Colours chapter 1 . 9/13/2009
I thought that the tea-drinking at the start was over-described. However, the last line was good, and tied in well with the title.
| Tomahawk 3.0 chapter 1 . 8/24/2009
this was a very good story about Mint. great job, nice grammar, excellent plot, reminds me of one of the Mint episodes, but why so sad? always sad!
| Ryou's fan girl chapter 1 . 8/6/2009
cool...Mint is mad
| Fireflies Glow chapter 1 . 8/6/2009
Ah, gorgeous. Just gorgeous! It was so very well written, and I really loved the dialogue between Minto and Ichigo.
I have to say the title drew me in... It's an interesting title, and with such an interesting summary, too, I just HAD to read it!
This is heartbreaking, but it's so well done. I really love how you used Minto's perspective to write it: it made this so much more meaningful. But this really speaks, and I actually found myself feeling awful for Minto and wishing there was something I could do for her by the end of this. Fantastic job!
My absolute favorite line has to be:
[I'm only a yūrei in her eyes. She'll walk through me every time.]
Why? Not only because it's so incredibly gripping, but it's tragic at the same time. It's full of unrequited love, and it's more than just words on a paper. It's also extremely well-written, almost poetic. I especially adore how you said "she'll walk through me every time" because honestly, it's beautiful. Seriously, I don't have enough good words to describe it.
Once again, it was excellent! Keep up the incredible work. :)
| SparkSparta chapter 1 . 8/5/2009
Nice. Update soon Saba-san! .
| easternrose21 chapter 1 . 8/5/2009
Aww, poor Minto D