|Reviews for One Day Outside for Flandre Alternate|
| GreatMountainTengu chapter 1 . 7/24/2012
Awesome story, but your grammar needs work. Sorry if I sound like some language professor, but your tenses alternate between past and present. Try to work on that. The overall story was great, though.
*goes off to read original*
| nekokuro13 chapter 1 . 4/29/2012
Yep, you switched tenses a bit, but no, I'm not looking for those. On to reading! *rubs hands in anticipation.
A panicky Sakuya? That's a rare sight... maybe to me.
"...she enters the gates of Entei..." typo: Eientei. No, not looking for that either.
""...so why would I break you."... "because it's fun!"" - whoa, direct and frank, twisted logic.
"play with me!" - bad Flandre, bad!
"...she claws off half of her face, ..." - le gasp!
"...Kanako's entire body blowing up,..." - Run away people! It's Ragnarok! The end of the world! Lol, that's kinda overpowered.
"...what do do... " - "to" do. Sorry, can't help noticing the typo.
Hmm... this danmaku exchange made me wonder... if the reality behind battles in Gensokyou are actually much more bloody than what they appear in the vertical scrolling shooter games... reminds me of a doujin I've read before.
"...whom she had just blown half her torso away..." - criiingge.
""you PATHETIC human..." "... you pathetic excuse of a life-form!"" - lol, somehow, those insults just... fit, the person saying and the person it addressed.
""Somebody same my house!"" - "save" instead of "same", sorry. Now I got it! The way this story flowed, made me even more sensitive to mistakes, the way I'll have to pay attention to every word to understand the story. No, it's not a bad thing, but just pointing out. It's as opposed to light-hearted ones where one can go through speedily and still enjoy the story. But then, yeah, this is a grim violence-themed story.
"The two overpowered fighters..." - Yeah, definitely overpowered!
"...she was using that blood to throw it into Mokou's eyes and assault the momentarily blinded immortal. " - wow, viciousness at its best.
Wow, Mokou got such a bad temper. And Flandre got to fight her in Lunatic mode, her being Lunatic herself. It was a close one.
""Sakuya, answer me!"" - now that's a good portrayal of dark emotions, of conflict and regret.
""Flan, what did you do? Reimu, please, don't kill her, please!"" - Aww... onee-sama was really worried. I can't imagine if I'm her older sister. But then, I'm not a vampire.
"...and blew up two gods..." - rofl, don't know, but there's something ironic about that statement, I don't know.
Wow, Reimu did quite well playing the part of a disciplining principal.
""let's just go back home Flan."" - AWWWW... :3
Well, your way with endings always amuse me. I can say that they're the cherry on top of each of your short stories. And... you'll probably notice how long this review is, meaning, well done! You've managed to trigger a lot of emotions from me reading this! (apart from the tiny typos part) And your message was very clear. It's rare to find a Touhou story like that though, lol.
| The Hexagonal Donut chapter 1 . 10/22/2010
Meiling abuse? I see that alot these days. Then again, that might be because that gate guard spends half her time SLEEPING.
Anyway, quite interesting twist you put on this. I suddenly feel like reading the original again.
Keep up the awesomesauce work!
| Xascul chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
i think this is a much better portrayal of flandre's character, yeah she really is creepy and has way too much power for her own good. overall, a bit more work on grammar and characters, but you have the story down pretty well
| DarkDescent chapter 1 . 8/30/2009
Watch for your use of tenses. You constantly shift between past and present tense. Decide on one from the very start. Your grammar also isn't the greatest. It would help if you went over the story a little more before publishing it.
Other than that, I enjoyed reading it.
| Sakura cc chapter 1 . 8/12/2009
Uh I like this! It is way closer to the berserker Flandre! hahah Although i love any type of Flandre, since her childlike unaggrasive way CAN be believable, depending on the circumstances XD Anywayz, i loved this! ZANKYu
PS: MORE MARISA _
| SuperSoaker321 chapter 1 . 8/7/2009
So you took the old story and mashed it up with violence. Let me say that I LOVE VIOLENCE. That is all.