|Reviews for The Power Within|
| Luna chapter 14 . 8/3/2016
Hey, this is Luna from a loooooong time ago. Miss talking with ya. Find me over at G as Luna Night-Goddess
| Arrowsight chapter 14 . 10/28/2011
Hmmmm. Interesting. This is my representation of the vision. The light and darkness obviously represent our heroes and villains. The Cord represents those who havent changed sides yet. Since the cord goes to darkness, obviously more people joined the darkness. As for the sun rising 7 times, our seven heroes. Or maybe the elements. As for the temple of time, the final stronghold for the light?
| black.maple.tree chapter 14 . 10/28/2011
I'd call that a record considering your update-spacing lately :P
Aside from a general re-read to fix some typos in here, there are a couple things you need to pay attention to:
When you're writing dialogue, you have to say the entire line-dialogue plus whatever is coming before or after-as one sentence. Like in this one, "She ran over and knelt by her friend, putting a hand to her forehead before jerking it back as if it was burned, "Damn, she's burning up!""
Before or after the dialogue, you need a "she said." You should be able to read this as if you were orally telling a story to someone. You could, alternatively, change the comma to a period and make the dialogue its own sentence. But a main critism I have is that there are commas everywhere in this chapter that don't belong, particularly around dialogue.
Again, another example:
""Hang on," Aster stepped back, kneeling down with his hands over Artemis's body, "Aqua-chan, can you help a bit?""
That shouldn't all be one sentence. Just look at it closely and I think you'll see why. The dialogues should be seperate from the rest of the sentence unless you're connecting them with a "he said" or something.
And then with this:
"Your aim was off again, Aster-kun." Aqua, the smug one said.
First, make that period a comma, because it's all once sentence. Next, Something about "Aqua, the smug one said" urks me. I like "Aqua said smugly" better, or even "Aqua, the smug one, said." But the latter isn't really necessary because it seems like an introduction, and we already know Aqua. Just something to consider.
Now on to the review-part of the review...
Aster seems very mature at some times, and very immature at others. But the scene with him and Ultima was touching. I like the joking scenes between Aqua and Aster- it reminds me that they're still just kids, and inclined to do silly things. I'd like to see more of that, with just the two of them alone.
You have a LOT in this story. Like, I can't even keep track of how many elementals on each side, plus Aster's alter-ego (forgot about him till this chapter), so I have to wonder where all this is going. As for this arc (not sure if this is leading to the main climax or if this is an episode-like plot) I think it would be interesting if Artemis wakes up and pretends to be fine, gathering information without the others knowing. To me it just seems more fun for the others to be oblivious while the bad elementals work their plans, but that’s just my opinion. (I like those kinds of conflicts XD)
I'll take a stab at it, but I'm not so great at this stuff, so bear with me _' The initial light and darkness connected by a cord symbolizes the balance of light and dark in the present? Then with the help of a now-possessed Artemis, the darkness begins to overtake the light... The shooting of the star-like thing to me seemed like a distress call, though I doubt that's what it actually is. Maybe a last hope able to escape before the destruction? And then I think the rest is that they have seven days until this will all happen. Day eight equals dooms day? It's like ap lit all over again XD
Well, good luck with the next chapter, and try to take the comma stuff into consideration when you're writing! It'll make the story that much better!
| Zac and Artemis chapter 14 . 10/28/2011
While I'm sad to say I don't really write or read much on here anymore, I still check-up on a few alerts I get, so I was glad to see this come out! Anywho...Ari got mentally owned, it seems...which she expected. And you want me to try and deduce what the vision meant?...alright!
Artemis is battling the darkness seeds and such inside her, and she begins to lose. When she realizes that she's about to lose, she sends SOMETHING to the Temple (probably to Aster, I would assume...). The setting suns and stuff? I wanna say that might be the Good Elements being defeated, but I'm not quite sure...and the 8?...again, not quite sure...I'd guess it has something to do with the 8th element to be defeated being special, like by not being defeated. Then the darkness condensing around her probably means she lost the mental fight...
Ari- It's, ah, been a while since I've gotten to taste some raw meat...I'm feeling a bit evil, how 'bout you?
~Zac and Ari
P.S. Love the super writing! You are VERY good at it, in general. Part of the reason why I kept posts on this story!
| Zac and Artemis chapter 13 . 7/20/2011
Ari- :D How did I KNOW that it would be ME that get's to be the betrayer! HAH! Hope I get to screw with even MORE people now! YAY! It's kinda funny that the first chapter Zac and I read after MONTHS would get me this excited!
Me- Yeah, dude! Ultima! Been awhile since we've talked, or, for that matter, since I've even been on this website, lol. I've decided to COME BACK, BABY! Haha! Your story was the first on my list of watched stories, and here I am!...er, well, we are, anyway. If you couldn't tell, Artemis really liked this chapter. :3
Keep on bein' Awesome.
Zac and Ari,
| black.maple.tree chapter 13 . 7/1/2011
Um, finally? _
I'm going to point out a few things that I noticed while I was reading…
A recurring error I see is that you don't use commas where you should. This line, for instance:
"You're spending too much time dueling Rayde to get in any kind of practice aren't you Aster?"
It should read, "You're spending too much time dueling Rayde to get in any kind of practice, aren't you, Aster?"
Otherwise it's just a run-on sentence.
This one, too: "Oh shut up Aqua!" Aster huffed.
It should be "Oh, shut up, Aqua!"
Just something you should look into to make your writing more eloquent. There were several more places in this chapter where this applies, but I can't point them all out .
Then, with dialogue and quotation marks, sometimes you get this right and sometimes wrong.
This sentence is correct: "You think they'll stay up there for much longer, Sasha?" a blonde haired woman asked.
And this one isn't: "Yep, thought so." The now named Aqua smiled cheekily.
You should end the dialogue with a comma (or question mark or exclamation point) then finish the sentence with lowercase letters. (unless of course you're writing "So-and-so said.")
"I don't know Fulgora, I mean their pretty raw..."
Should be "they're pretty raw..."
"Okay then." She said, I swear if they disappear too then I'm gonna flip. She thought with a bloodthirsty glint in her eye.
It should be:
“Okay then,” she said. I swear if they disappear too then I'm gonna flip, she thought with a bloodthirsty glint in her eye.
“…he began to get a overwhelmed by the sheer amount of them and their teamwork” Just get rid of that “a”
Lol. Since when do they use honorifics? It’s not a bad idea, but in the rest of the story and even in the beginning of this chapter they were just using their first names… I think that should be consistent _’ Either they use honorifics from the beginning or they don’t. If anything, they would be dropping those –chan’s and –kun’s as they grow closer, not adding them.
Speaking of growing closer, I really enjoyed reading about Aqua and Aster working together :) I feel like this chapter happens a good amount of time after the last one, (though I could be wrong,) and if so then it definitely shows. Aqua’s getting bold, lol.
Yessss Italian! :D :D
…Aaaand I’d hate to correct your Italian too, but… it should be:
“Creatura dell’acqua, vieni fuori! Ti chiamo, Hydra!”
I’m not fluent yet, so I’m not sure if that’s the wording they’d use exactly, but this is what you were getting at, I think.
“Her experience in fighting the only thing saving her she hid behind some cover while placing a gravitic barrier to protect her from the semi-solid blades.”
Put a comma after “saving her,” because that’s modifying the rest of the sentence.
“Artemis has continued chanting while the Caster remained where he is…” Stick to one tense. “…where he was…”
Wow, I have to say even though it took you like a year to update, this is the best chapter yet as far as action goes :) There was a lot packed into here, and a cliff-hanger… ugh… -.- a really good cliff-hanger.
Anyway, advice for the next chapter, reread very carefully—there were errors that I think if you go back and reread you’ll recognize right away. Also, keep the quotation mark-dialogue thing in mind. Dialogue along with a “he said” is all one sentence, so there should be no period separating that.
I’d like to see more of Aster and Aqua in the next chapter definitely! It looks like they’re closer and I’m eager to see more of that!
Good luck, and update before next summer, kay?
| Arrowsight chapter 13 . 6/30/2011
Imagine my suprise when i see u updated in over a year! Anyway good chapter, Things are starting to get interesting, A plot is afoot!
| Akizakura202 chapter 12 . 6/25/2010
I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to this XD I happen to be a procrastinator, myself. 'Tis a curse.
I spotted a few big no-nos in this chapter, one of which being Author's Notes mid-sentence. I admit, I did the same in my very early writing (though that very well may be pre-fanfiction with the original RaR, some) but you don't want to break up the flow of the story and I'm afraid for the note you included you could've simply stated within the text that they were walking on water.
Also, avoid beginning your sentences with "so;" most of the time, it is a dependent clause that cannot stand alone as a sentence. "So they did this" is not a complete sentence. "So that they could avoid this situation, the did this" is fine. This rule doesn't apply when it comes to dialogue, unless the character speaking generally follows the rules of grammar.
There seems to be some confusion with punctuation when it comes to dialogue, at times. Such as: "That's not going to work. He observed, Either I'm going to have to attack his left continuously, or I'm going to have to improvise, but what to do…" The period before "he" should in fact be a comma, as his observation is "that's not going to work;" subsequently, you could also change the comma after "observed" to a period, but it is not entirely necessary I suppose. When it comes to the dialogue and thought processes, adjust the punctuation so that the overall sentence is in agreement.
The part with Aster and Aqua could have been improved greatly. Sensory details, aesthetic descriptions, and other things to couple with the listed emotions the characters are feeling will help evoke emotion from the reader. Don't just make them "wear their emotions on their sleeve," make them wear it in their eyes, the arches of their brows, the curve of their mouths, the heat or lackthereof in their skin, etc. DESCRIBING the emotion instead of simply listing it creates a greater impact; in romantic situations especially, where impact is prudent. I concede, there are few points where you did describe, but overall, it seemed to be lacking.
Although, I should also point out that the end, where they had their little water fight and Ultima and Leda were helping exemplify the romance of the atmosphere-kudos! Aqua's description was beautifully written, and what proceeds is excellent as well. Aster's description could've been a bit more romanticized, but I understand that it can be hard-particularly for guys-to romantically describe someone of the same sex. Perhaps try looking at it as how YOU would like to be viewed in someone else's eyes.
Overall, the chapter wasn't bad :)
| black.maple.tree chapter 12 . 6/4/2010
Lol Nice subtle tweaks to the atmosphere on Ultima and Leda's part. I caught a few places where you forgot periods- I think two, but there might have been one more. And in the beginning of the chapter, I think 'caught' was supposed to be 'caught sight of'?
Ha ha wasn't it hypocritical of Aqua to criticize Aster for running away, when did the same just that afternoon? I think it's nice that they're already so close, since they're friends from school. It's probably easier to manipulate their relationship than if they had just met. I think that flashbacks would be a nice touch for any future chapters- to when they were younger, so we can see how Aster acted around his friends at school. I think I recall Aqua saying that he claimed he didn't like their friends, so that has me wondering. Also, maybe things with Aster's mom? Since she's not really mentioned much. I would have suggested that it would be cool to see them actually return to their normal lives in story time, under whatever circumstances, but that probably isn't part of what you have planned.
Anyway, worth the wait :) I really like the Aster/Aqua parts. My only real suggestion is that you show some more of their background, since they were friends already. I think it feels like something's missing for the audience, since we haven't seen them under normal circumstances yet.
| Arrowsight chapter 12 . 6/4/2010
I can understand why you put in the scene where Rayde's wings break. I did neglect to mention that his Crystal Element cannot be broken. It's not just a physical power, magic and a condensed form of elements has a part to play. Overall, this chapter was very interesting to see. Worth the wait.
| Ancient Dragon writer chapter 12 . 6/4/2010
well i see that you took and twisted several things around and IMO made it sound MUCH better than what i had given u as an idea but i saw that you kept the slaps in there. anyways update when you can... oh yeah i think i am a part of the PROCASTINATORS UNITE CLUB...
| Zac and Artemis chapter 11 . 3/31/2010
Sorry for the long wait on this review, but I've been somewhat busy and lazy lately...:P
Anyway, this was a really good chapter, and I like the Spyro Reference in there, lol, it was a nice little Easter egg.
| Krown chapter 11 . 3/29/2010
Lol. I love the connection with the Spyro verse'. Makes the realm you've created here, have a bit more backstory and history. I love it.
| Akizakura202 chapter 11 . 3/27/2010
XD Micro-expressions. Love the Lie to Me reference. I also love that you took the advice on the pace! With this chapter, in my opinion, you have definitely redeemed yourself, and I think I will subscribe to this story :) It's been awhile since I've read a good Fantasy Fiction aside from Tamora Pierce :D
The only complaint I have is some arbitrary spelling/grammar errors. Watch when you're using the comma or period. Oh, and have you realized just how often you say "surmised" XD? Not a fatal thing, but it is sometimes good to shake it up.
Oh yeah, and "Spyro" . . . isn't that a canon character? I think my sister had one of the games. . . .
That's all I've got to say, really, I'm almost disappointed that I can't leave a longer review XD Yet at the same time relived 'cause I've got to reference something for the WDTL chapter I'm writing :) So, hasta la bye-bye! (In fact, I'ma just subscribe to you, so I know when/if you put out new one-shots, as well :D!)
| Ancient Dragon writer chapter 11 . 3/27/2010
perfect chapter. and just so you know Ultima i have read fast paced books and i like to be drawn in at the begining and stay there till the end. your's is perfect in that aspect and nice way of stating that my OC is the last of the Dracorans.