Reviews for Ghostgirl: Hawthorne Nightmare
Leilabeth chapter 6 . 1/21/2011
SweetSylvia chapter 5 . 12/12/2010
Oh my god, you cannot write. I'm not trying to flame you at all (I don't do that, it's rude and disrespectful to flame), but your story jumps around, your characters are kind of Sues, you need to learn how to paragraph dialogue correctly, and your dialogue in general could use some work (it doesn't sound like things real people would say! Honestly "Just as well you were killed; the realm of the living could get rid of more stupid bimbos like you?" Really? No real teenager talks like that, not even me, and I'm a total geek who reads dictionaries in her spare time!). Honestly, I DO have to say that your spelling was actually very good though! I don't think I found a single spelling mistake in all five chapters, so kudos to you on that! Though it's a good plot, why would some guy just randomly stab her right where people would see? And why would he do that, he had absolutely no motive to even approach her!
Leilabeth chapter 3 . 9/20/2010
Good but u shouldn't jump from third person to Renee's pov without warning
Crazy Amazing chapter 4 . 8/29/2010
Aaand now we're back to first. Is there a reason for that or what? I'm not trying to sound rude but it is actually kind of weird.
Crazy Amazing chapter 3 . 8/29/2010
...Why does it change viewpoints? From first to third...Ouch, my head.
WingedSkywire chapter 5 . 7/11/2010
Can you say 'overreaction'? That was actually really funny...

Oh, and one thing from the previous chapter: the way you described Jessica makes her seem like a Mary-Sue, and it seemed kind of like you were glorifying suicide. No offence or anything, but I'm really touchy about those things.
WingedSkywire chapter 4 . 7/11/2010
Me again!

Yay for Dr. Pepper! D

That's about all I have to say for this chapter...
WingedSkywire chapter 3 . 7/11/2010
Hey there, you. Updating again? Took you long enough...

No, I couldn't be bothered to sign in.

Anyway, couldn't help but notice that the first paragraph of this chapter is in first person, then it suddenly switches to third. It's a little awkward... And I think the first two chapters of your story were in first person too... and then in the fourth chapter you switched back to first... *head spins*

Yeah, you might want to fix that.
Isis chapter 2 . 4/21/2010
A few grammar errors, but overall I really liked it. Keep up the good work!
That was such an epic fail chapter 2 . 4/9/2010
really she ripped her skirt off... wow how delusional and druggy 2 u hav 2 be to pull sum1s miniskirt off as well as paraniond...
AmbivalentSouls chapter 2 . 12/6/2009
Yay, i love ghostgirl! Thanks for writing a fanfic on it,hehe.

The story is really nice :3 theres nothing bad to say about it, grammar and writing wise, because its pretty much all covered by the other reviewers xD

Keep it up, and always try to improve yourself, your pretty good actually ;)

If you made another chapter id really want to read it. Favourite it too, because i find this story rather interesting :)

Take care!
Prudence119 chapter 1 . 10/28/2009
Pretty good,you've read it right
WingedSkywire chapter 1 . 10/6/2009
I've read your more recent reviews and changes, and here's what I think (This is sort of based on Jugendfrei.'s review, but not all of it.):

The changes you made were good, and I'm impressed you made time for that.

One thing: I agree with the whole 'skip a line after someone talks' rule. It makes your writing a lot less cramped, and also makes it easier for people to read. Not trying to flame or anything, but it's just something that could be improved. Don't stress yourself about it, though, I've seen plenty of FanFics with far worse grammar.

I also agree with the point that you should never use actual numbers while writing, unless it's a phone number or suchlike.

Not trying to flame or anything, so please don't take this offensively. It's just some things that could be improved on.

(These next two sort of contradict Jugendfrei.'s points, but it's just personal opinion for the first one.) I advise against treating your audience like they're idiots. For me, nothing annoys me more. Sure, some people are idiots, but the majority of those who have read Ghostgirl should not be, as it is not a book for the stupid.

'"I did some research, exercised, ate lots of salad and went shopping over the holidays so this term was gonna rule"

Okay, and the reason for this is? Just because someone eats a lot of salad, etc. doesn't mean that they're going to be popular. I know you were trying to say that she dieted or whatever but you need to make this obvious to your readers. You always have to treat your audience like they're complete idiots. That way you make sure that every one of them understands what you're trying to say. Also, what did she do research on? And she can go shopping without making the term rule. You have to specify what she researched and what she shopped for because right now I have no clue.'

That's a quote from Jugendfrei.'s review, but I thought I might address it. The story is from Renee's point of view, so it makes sense that she would think that because she went shopping and got herself a new look things were going to be better. She just seems like the type of materialistic girl who would think that way.

This also makes her less Mary-Sue, as her materialism would be a flaw that a Mary-Sue wouldn't have.

That's about it for now, so until next time.

cuppiecake chapter 2 . 10/3/2009
write more!
Rain C. Frosty chapter 2 . 9/19/2009
I Love Ghost girl and i love your story! Don't lisen to all thoses flamer and keep writing. Your going to be a great Auther!
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