|Reviews for Keeping A Secret|
| Not-a-fan chapter 1 . 9/7/2009
Before you start writing a story, I suggest you read some to see how people have written theirs. This story is in script, and I doubt that's allowed. Get a beta, or stop writing.
Oh and its Audi, like the car, not Audrey. If you need to know the correct spelling and/or correct NAME, check IMDB.
| Harryfan94 chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
| la-la-la-45 chapter 1 . 8/23/2009
I like it!You should definately continue!
| I'mJustWeird chapter 1 . 8/14/2009
no offense, but this wasn't a story. it was more of an outline for a someone says something, their name shouldn't be in front of whatever they're saying, it should be within quotation marks (""). also, when something happens, like someone entering the room, that doesn't need to be in parentheses, it should be either just there or elaborated upon. like the part with the police officer, you could have it like this
"ben, i'm really worried for jordan, he should've been home 15 minutes ago."
"ruby, he'll be fine. he's probably walking up the steps now."
the doorbell rang and ruby got up to answer it.
"oh, thank god jordan. i was really worried about you."
"ma'am, does he belong to you?" the police officer said stepping into ruby's line of vision.
"well not really, he's my cousin."
"i'm going to let him off the hook just this one time."
"what'd he do?"
"there was a party at a kyle (insert last name here) house, it got to be out of control, the police were called, and your cousin was still at the party when we arrived on scene."
"oh man jordan, you're so stupid."
"i know ruby"
"well thanks for bringing him home officer, i'll make sure he gets punished for this, and that he won't drink again."
"much appreciated ma'am."
"have a good night."
"you too ma'am, you too." the police office said as he walked away.
what i wrote is just a rough copy, but it's got more dialogue and more description, even with only one non-dialogue sentence. i know that a lot of people like writing as little as possible while still having a story written, but having something long (and grammatically correct) isn't a bad thing. i'm not perfect, i messed up a lot while writing this, misspelling things, and that just proves that even i mess up. i'm just trying to help, i'm really trying not to hurt your feelings, but it had to be said. i hope this helps.
| Morgan chapter 1 . 8/13/2009
It's a good first chapter, but please, please do not bold face your script. It hurts the eyes.