|Reviews for Point Lookout|
| MasterofFictions chapter 4 . 7/25/2010
The story was not very descriptive at all, however. You should have made the story longer and gone much more in-depth in describing the terror that the Lone Wanderer experiences in Point Lookout.
| Enefet chapter 3 . 10/27/2009
I agree with Epic Bad Ass.
This is basically just a summary of what you did. That's the problem. I know I don't want to read about how you played the game, I want to read a story.
One of the biggest problems with stories in the game section is people don't go against the grain. They continue to regurgitate the same shit over and over and over again.
Example: Why CAN'T her companions accompany her? She was completely nasty to Tobar on everything else but just relented on that. It doesn't make much sense when you think about it does it? By adding differences you keep a reader interested. Like I said, been there, done that. Not interested in reading what I just went through.
How about the actual trip to Point Lookout? Expand on Tobar perhaps, add other passengers. Deviate.
Also, like was stated before: Be careful with your characterization.
Desmond is not bragging, and reading a LW who's bitchy and full of herself is not my cup of tea. It's so much more interesting when she's scared and fallible. It's humbling and tends to win the reader over. Or perhaps she's a serial killer or the like. (That takes some talent to pull off well, I don't suggest it.)
It's a problem with the game section, when I play a game I conquer the shit out of the world because it's fun, but reading my gaming style...not so much.
Roleplaying is different between gaming and writing. A mary sue comes in all flavors. They all have one thing in common though, very poor character development. Games like these inevitably do that, the LW is a template after all. I don't think she's so much a sue though, just not very interesting.
Difference is key. The log should just be used to give you ideas.
| georgie4790 chapter 2 . 10/25/2009
I love the story man, I can't stress that enough but stop saying things like "slaver from Paradise Falls" or
"I holstered my 10mm submachine gun" it makes it seem as though you're trying to impress somebody just say "slaver" or "gun" but other than this rather annoying flaw this is the best story i've ever read, keep it up!
| Guest chapter 6 . 10/23/2009
Um. What's up with the order of events in this story? You did the attack on calvert mansion, skipped the tribal/bog/ mind-fuck bit, went straight to the desmond vs calvert battle, then went back to the tribal bit, and went ahead and reposted chapter 3 as chapter 6. Whew. What a mouthful. Really though, I don't understand it. It is some significant importance? Or was it a goof. Either way, I liked the story. You left out the submarine soil samples sub-quest, but I don't blame you. It was a boring quuest anyway. Ok, that's it. Ciao.
| Epic Bad Ass chapter 2 . 8/16/2009
I see potential in your writing but it's still kind of rough, so I'm going to hit you with some advice. Picture yourself in the story as all the characters you're writing about. Take Desmond for instance, he's a former intelligence operative with more than 200 years of experience under his belt, odds are he's killed more people than the Lone Wanderer has even met. When he says he's a mean rock hard bastard, that's not bragging, that's just fact. If you were that person what would your perspective be on things? Same goes for the Lone Wanderer, at the age of 19 she might be a gifted killer but she doesn't have the experience to be as badass as you're making her. And again see things through her eyes, her only family is dead and she can never go home again, toss in the teenage hormones and you got one pissed off kid. Channel that a little bit. Finally don't limit yourself to writing only what's in the games, point lookout is a bit bigger in real life, let people see that. And I realize I'm probably sounding pretentious here, but when I started out writing I was plain damn horrible, and if no one called me on my mistakes I probably still would. Just trying to pass on the favor here