|Reviews for The Life And Times of Haruhi Suzumiya|
| Durandall chapter 23 . 6/23/2011
As a firm proponent of Kyon being badass, I enjoyed this story. He got to be himself, mostly, while also being competent. Haruhi got sold, relatively speaking, a little short - but that's balanced against the fact that you write her as being able to cope with not getting what she wants every time. So, you write her as someone immature, but not resistant to growing up. I actually appreciate that characterization - it's worlds better than the stereo-typical uber-Tsundere we get.
Other than that ... I suspect we won't see those two missing chapters, but given that the rest of the story is pretty much complete, I feel I can confidently say that this was an enjoyable story, and thank you for sharing.
Some neat ideas, and generally well written. My inner Yuki-fanboy approves! :)
| superstarultra chapter 23 . 2/12/2010
Well, this was a nice slice-of-life chapter. I liked it. :)
| JonBob0008 chapter 3 . 1/2/2010
Okay, I finally read through the whole thing. I decided to make a concerted effort to read this for two reasons. One, you asked me if you could use my characters, and I like to make an effort to read fics that have my characters in them. I also noticed that this fic was on the fanfic recs page on TV tropes, so I thought it would be a good read, maybe even a hidden gem.
I’m going to be honest. I was severely disappointed with this fic. While there were a few good moments, for the most part it’s filled with problems, many of which will be addressed in the proceeding paragraphs. Before I continue on, I just want to say that this review is not personal. I understand that this is one of your first fics and that you lack experience. However, you’ll learn far quicker if you receive constructive criticism. This review will sting. How you recover from it will say a lot about what kind of person and writer you are.
I will start of with the positives first. I kinda liked the fact that you made Tsuruya a slider. Even if this does go against canon, you make it work. I especially like the fact that she’s the only one who doesn’t have some ulterior motive. She hangs out with the group because it’s fun. I will say that the cell-phone gun was…weird…
Next, I really enjoyed the first 80% of the chapter that was in Yuki’s perspective (The other 20% will be discussed later). It was very sweet and I really felt bad for her. I felt an emotional connection, which was good. Overall, one of your better chapters.
Thirdly, the chapter that had the movie in it was very funny, and I enjoyed it quite a bit, even if it was a bit short.
Finally, there fic had few enough typos that it wasn’t terribly distracting. Good job on that.
And now to talk about the negatives (this is going to be long).
For starters, you have a really bad habit during most of your chapter of making the vast, vast majority of your paragraphs only one or two sentences long when it was unnecessary. For example:
“When lunch came around, she exploded from the classroom as usual.
I grabbed my lunch and headed to the clubroom.
When I got there, I saw an unusual sight.
Sure, Nagato was sitting in her usual chair, reading a book, but Koizumi and Mikuru were there too.”
This could have been one paragraph, easily, and it would have looked a lot better that way, too. You need to keep your sentences together when they are a collection of thoughts that go together. The only times when single line paragraphs are okay are when it’s a line of dialog, or when you’re trying to give some level of dramatic effect. Repeatedly, I saw long strings of solitary sentences that should have been together as a paragraph. You need to work on that.
The next problem is characterization. While Mikuru and Tsuruya were characterized well enough, there were serious problems with the other characters. Nagato’s characterization will be given a pass, as it’s obvious that you intended her character to develop into what it is, but your interpretation of Haruhi, Koizumi, Kyon and the ASOS Brigade has serious problems.
For starters, you’ve made Haruhi for more of a bitch than she should be at the point the story takes place. It’s as if you’ve completely ignored the character development that she went through over the course of the series. Considering the fact that you appear to have read the novels, I find this unacceptable. The Haruhi of 6th-9th novels was far more humane and nice than the Haruhi in you fic. I really found it disappointing.
As for Koizumi, you repeatedly used language in his dialogue that he would never say. Koizumi speaks very formally at all times and would never use slang. Also, there was a severe lack of Koizumi’s philosophical musings, and to be honest, Koizumi role in the fic was marginalized compared to what it usually is. When you consider the fact that Koizumi usually talks more than any other character in the series, it makes me feel that his character was underutilized.
As for Kyon…oh man…where to start. I could see that you were really trying to maintain his snarkiness in the narration, but it felt off the mark. One of the problems was that the narration lack the rich detail that could be found in novels. Despite being an unreliable narrator, Kyon spends a great deal of time describing things in the story, particularly the emotions and expressions of himself and others. Also lacking were the religious, historical, or pop cultural references that he would often use throughout the novels. Also, the banter that often comes up between him and Haruhi was lacking.
And don’t even get me started on the guitar. Oh my god was I put off by it. To make Kyon a guitar player like that was really, REALLY OOC. Kyon is a lazy, unmotivated person. There is no way that he has the dedication and discipline to learn how to use a guitar on his own. However, you take this even further by making it so that he owns a DOUBLE-NECK GUITAR! An instrument that is exponentially harder to play than a regular guitar. And then you have him play it better than Haruhi and Yuki can play a single-necked guitar. Really? REALLY? Come on! Every time Kyon made mention of that stupid guitar, I felt like ramming my head into a wall. It’s that implausible.
As for the ASOS Brigade, I was particularly put off by your characterization of Kyouko Tachibana. You made her out to be some kind of horrible, evil individual when in the novels she clearly wasn’t. And why was it necessary for Sasaki to be kidnapped when in the novels it appeared clear that Sasaki was cooperative with the ASOS. It doesn’t make sense.
The remaining criticism will be about certain individual scenes and chapters in you fic that I had problems with, as well as your OC. There are a lot of them.
In episode one, you have the confrontation between Kyon and Haruhi where Kyon hit her. To be honest, such an event would likely lead to something very bad for the universe, and the fact that you decided not to have it happen smacked of laziness. There’s no way Kyon would get off the hook that easily. Also, you had Haruhi make Kyon in charge of Mikuru, but you never bothered to take advantage of that. It was kinda disappointing.
The next scene that really bothered me was at the castle. The mystery part was okay, but lacked the cleverness that was seen from the novels. The talent show was okay until Kyon picked up his guitar (how did no one notice that he had that thing on the air port?). And worst of all was the part with the scary stories, and you know why. The part where Yuki told her scary story should have been written entirely by you. Instead, you used an idea from someone else’s work. Despite your efforts to hide it, it was rather obvious. Unless you could prove that you had permission to use it, you should feel pretty ashamed about it.
The next scene that bothered me was the camel cricket fight. Why? Because it was so unoriginal. If you recall, the reason why the data lifeform took the look of a cricket was because it was the thing that the Computer Club President feared the most. You could have picked any form you wanted for the data lifeform, but instead you used the camel cricket. Boring… Oh, that the weapon that Mikuru used? Doesn’t that contradict the fact that she wasn’t supposed to use weapons? Why was it okay all of a sudden? You never gave an explanation for it. That, and the weapon was lame. A remote control that shoots missiles? *sigh*
The next scene was the last 20% for the chapter that was in Nagato’s perspective. The part where Nagato reveals that she used to be human. Do I have to point out the problem with this? If Nagato used to be human, then she’s not an alien. That destroys canon! Part of what’s great about the original premise was that there was an alien, time traveler and esper in her club without Haruhi even knowing it. By making Nagato human, you ruined that one aspect. Not to mention that it was needless melodrama, anyway.
The last scene that really irked me was the Christmas episode. First, there is no way in hell that Koizumi or Mikuru would tell Haruhi that Kyon was dating Nagato. Think about it! They would both know that doing so would put the universe at risk. Neither character is that stupid. It’d be more likely that Koizumi would “urge” Kyon to end his relationship, while Mikuru would likely just warn him that about some vague terrible event that would happen as a result of him dating Nagato. It’s ludicrous to think that would tell Haruhi anything that would upset her.
The other thing that bothered me about that scene was how it was rectified way too easily. After Haruhi’s attempt to seduce Kyon, he goes and tells her of and hits her (again…), he then runs to Nagato and clears everything up. And that’s it. Haruhi later apologizes, says that she won’t interfere with their relationship anymore, and everything is all better. Am I the only one who thinks that this is completely implausible? There’s no way that Kyon could tell off Haruhi, hit her, reject her feeling for him, and then get off the hook. An action like that would put the universe in serious risk. That would’ve been a great set up for the next episode. But instead you took the easy way out. Lame…
Finally, I wish to talk about your OC. It’s not that there’s anything particularly wrong with him. It’s just that he’s boring, one-dimensional and adds almost nothing to the story. Seriously, you could write him out of the story and change absolutely nothing. He’s has no character development and no back story. Again…lame…
There are other problems with the story, but these were all the major ones. I know I was harsh and reading this will hurt. I recommend that you take some time to let this sink in and wait for the pain to go away. Then, go and think hard about what you can do to improve the story. If you’re serious about your writing, you'll recover and improve. I'll be keeping an eye out on your progress. Bye
| superstarultra chapter 22 . 12/29/2009
I'll admit, I didn't give this a chance at first because I thought it wouldn't be very good. But now I'm glad I was wrong!
Some parts were funny, others serious, but it looks all good to me. I didn't see any grammer problems here at all. Consider this put on my alerts!
| superstarultra chapter 21 . 12/18/2009
I loled at every single one of them. Nice work. I liked the rape scene in particular. ;)
| uzukun7 chapter 21 . 12/18/2009
i think this omake was hysterical. i could definitely see haruhi trying to pull off all of these things for a "movie" of hers. i hope you can update soon. laterz
| too lazy to login chapter 20 . 12/13/2009
lol xD bloopers :D hope u update soon _
| Puttuter Puttot chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
Wow! This was great. 17.5 thumbs up!
| lazyguy90 chapter 19 . 12/7/2009
Haha... This is insane. Did you really have to split up the order of the chapters like that? But excellent work on these. Nicely done. Keep at it.
| ForgottenReveries chapter 18 . 12/6/2009
Ah~ Kyon...X3 I'm not a big fan of YukixKyon but...I might now... HE HAS A CRUSH! XD
| ForgottenReveries chapter 12 . 12/6/2009
AHAHA XD Loved this chapter, better keep reading...*rushes off to read*
| Mr. Thumbsup chapter 19 . 12/5/2009
My friend, you've done it again.
I love the way this fic is going. You did seem to take Haruhi a little over the edge, but just a tiny little bit.
And I just about joygasmed when Kyon smacked Koizumi. I think I heard his smirk whistle as it flew off his face.
| Mr. Thumbsup chapter 17 . 11/23/2009
Trev, my friend, you have outdone yourself. This is definitely my favorite chapter so far. Y'know, I've always kinda been on the fence as to which pairing I support- Kyon x Haruhi or Kyon x Yuki. I get the feeling, however, that this might finally push me off of that fence...
| uzukun7 chapter 17 . 11/23/2009
that was a very thoughtful and carefully written chapter. yuki's development as a person completely shone thorugh in thsi chapter. kyon has always been the one to show that he picks up on yuki's emotional and physical cues, so it makes sense for their relationship to progress in this way. i really enjoyed the chapter and i hope you can update soon. laterz
| uzukun7 chapter 15 . 11/20/2009
not much to say for this chapeter, as it mainly just introduces certain aspects of the season coming up like this new kid and yuki's upgrade. in either case i look forward to the new chapters. laterz