Reviews for two birds in slumber
Rayless Night chapter 1 . 5/31/2010
Interesting - I like the structure a great deal, the alternate continuities, and the brevity of each piece. You say a lot in a small space.

The elegant writing fits both Fran and Balthier, the small bits of humor are good. Favorites are probably "doors", "palace", "empty" ("sliding grimly into his throat" is a great image), "icicles" - good note to end on, it feels both ambiguous and that it's brought the piece full circle.


I think you're aiming for each snippet to be no more than one sentence, but in a lot of these, the punctuation is so awkward and convoluted that it distracts from what you're saying. In a lot of the ones with quotes, the punctuation is incorrect. Would argue that it's better to break the "one sentence" convention and give your audience a smoother read.

Also, after a while, some these become very formulaic maxims from Fran ("waves", "river", "widow", "mercy"). With so many, they start to feel repetitive and preachy towards the end.
partlysunny chapter 1 . 8/28/2009
Excellently written! This is pure poetry. 10!