Reviews for Please Stab My Eyes Out With Your Spork
Gun toten Girly chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
There was a worrisome pressure building in my brain everytime I saw Artemis speak. Nothing short of death-if even THAT-would Artemis ever, ever, EVER speak with an EXCLAMATION MARK. I'm disgusted there are actual stories like this and I'm very sorry you had to... write... this. I think my brain is going to explode.

Have you read The Last Guardian? No exclamation marks there...

Yours truly horrified,
Gun toten Girly
grace and artemis chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
stab my eyes with a spork toned mussels you look sooo gorgeous come on
Cashii11 chapter 1 . 5/23/2012
Oh, yes. Needs a bit more of dumbass. May I suggest writing while listening to The Final Countdown? Guille's Theme works just as well, but a lobotomy works best.

Keep trying, o ye noble troll.
Forever Day chapter 1 . 3/24/2011
I hate it when writers dissapear off the face of the earth. . . Ah well. Maybe you're still using the same email account and will get this anyway.

I really enjoyed reading this in a sort of Help-Me-Now-She's-Got-It. You've got the *Twenty paragraphs describing what s/he's wearing, one paragraph on romance* down to a T and all the other horrific cringe worthy things perfect.

It's the sort of fic I read when I'm really depressed. Weirdly cheering, although makes me nervous about what children are being raised.

Tah for the laugh.
Holly-Rose Fowl-Casson chapter 1 . 8/25/2010
FROND THIS IS EXACTLY WONDERFULLY DESCRIBING EVERY DITZY FIC IN HISTORY! I love this! And that's what happens when the wrong people read Artemis Fowl... He has no muscles...
Penelope Wendy Bing chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
Ugh. Sickening. The OOCness is probably going to give me high blood pressure, cancer, rickets, you name it.

Not to mention...like, the whole plot? Who the Hades is Chelsea? You think she'd have turned up before. Oh wait, she's a self-insert? Wow, I had no frackin' idea.

Le sigh.

-P.W. Bing
bholley chapter 1 . 4/1/2010
Ow. OW OW OW! So. much. pain. Where is my spork? This was mind-numbingly painful. Frighteningly enough, I remember reading fics like this. Way to make a parody. I did kind of laugh in a mostly crying sort of way. Hopefully somebody will read this and think, "Hmm maybe I shouldn't write a self-insert dance fic. Maybe that would be a really bad idea." Yeah right.
Donteatacowman chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
Thank goodness, a parody that's actually readable-as opposed to the ones in which the only thing they seem to be "parodying" is bad grammar. ;

Thanks for writing!
Kernel chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Subsitute 'Chelsea' and 'Artemis' with 'Bella' and 'Edward', and you basically get about 80% of the Twilight 'fanfics' here.

I'M SO FREAKING TIRED OF IT!11 (the 'book', and the 'fanfics' I mean) * * * * * * * * *- yeah, and all that other jazz.
E7AO chapter 1 . 10/18/2009
"Please Stab My Eyes Out With Your Spork"... the words have never wrung so true.

Nice idea about this story, by the way, I laughed as my eyes bled
Name On The Spine chapter 1 . 9/14/2009
I really liked this. I honestly did. Not the content, of course, but the parody-ing. I kept giggling thinking "Thank god s/he isn't serious!"

Other than that . . . You know how one kid does something naughty in kindergarden, then another kid tries it and gets caught and when s/he's telling the teacher someone else did it first, and the teacher says "No, that's not something you do- even if someone else does it!", but EVERYONE does it anyways? Yeah, that's this fic. This sort of thing should never be written, but it's funny when you do it anyway .

*after writing the review, TWS promptly gets up to scour the pantry for a dining implament. Finding purchuse, TWS's eyes are promptly torn out by a spork, because the pain was unbearable*
Fooled Again chapter 1 . 9/5/2009
Well. Very long time no see, eh? Of course, the username has changed to one you won't recognize, but I'll leave you to guess and wonder what figure from your past has stopped in to drop you a line.

Anyways, a very unexpected way for you to return to ff, and a tad disgusting as well. It almost leaves the realm of parody to direct imitation - I think you would be much better suited to a more satirical style. Don't get me wrong here, I appreciate this for what it is, but I think you're quite capable of going about it all in a more intelligent way. Alas, what's done is done. I sincerely hope to see more of this and you around in the days come. Happy writing!

Fooled Again
Nimbus Llewelyn chapter 1 . 9/2/2009
Anyone who writes this stuff (in reality when its not intended as a parody) should be burnt at the stake for crimes against literature.
Rhelyn chapter 1 . 9/1/2009
I almost fell off my chair in shock at the ending. Does this kind of shit really exist? If so, THANK GOD for the guide on how not to write fanfics.
magyka95 chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
I agree. Poor Arty. After mantaining a genius level for years to be brought down like this!
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