|Reviews for The Interloper|
| MatrixMash chapter 17 . 3/8
Concupiscent: I don't think it means what you think it means.
It sounds like you want more grasping ambition and less sexual connotations maybe? Unless you really mean it that way...
| MatrixMash chapter 12 . 2/20
WOW. This chapter has been very... different. Where the HECK are all the soldiers and the violence and the bullet time mechanics? In your first bajillion chapters (only eleven? It feels like more), most of the conflict was external, and presented in the form of modifiers with guns and a struggle to survive. Here, though, you focus on internal struggles, and non-violent conflicts, such as Hikari and Taichi navigating their relationship and the war, and Veemon being presented with an alien world. The immediate external conflicts, like Taichi convincing the Kurosawas to join Operation Pyramid, feel like backdrops meant to explore the Yagamis' relationships, whereas in previous chapters, it felt like the relationships between the combatants, like that weird dynamic between Aldo Kikuchi and Whatsisface Reeves, were just to spice up combat and give people a reason for doing things. It's a big departure, if I'm getting that right.
If it helps you to work out foreshadowing, I'm guessing that the headless knight in Hikari's third vision will turn out to be Chris? That's the vibe I'm getting, anyway. My apologies if that's actually a digimon I'm supposed to know; I haven't seen the show or anything.
Now that my pretentious, wannabe intellectualism requirement has been fulfilled...
Wow. Sure was convenient how that little girl bumped into Christ & Vee by a MONS' MART. And what's up with that name? "Mons' whatever" indicates that the whatever is owned by the Mons, plural. It feels like Porky Pig shilling for Porky's Chop House. Was that intentional?
Also, this whole passage has some SERIOUSLY horrifying moments in it, particularly in MONS' MART. If you were trying to "invoke emotions" with the edit, you succeeded.
Does that shop seriously sell "Triband repair kits" despite R.D.N.A. indicating that Tribands must be serviced by authorized professionals? Wow, capitalism. That's low.
Lastly, a mechanics question on Christopher's translation abilities: What happens to bilingual people? Presumably, if the RS can pick whichever native language for monolingual people, it will (somehow read your mind to) determine which language is best for bilinguals, usually their first language.
So what happens if Alice, a U.S. national, is visiting Japan, and Chris walks by? Does everyone suddenly start speaking perfect English to her, when before she had to consciously listen in Japanese? Could she somehow trace this back to Chris? What happens if Chris visits an embassy? A hundred meters is a big distance...
| MatrixMash chapter 3 . 1/12
"I've had enough of you!" sez Lucy Diaz, midway through dodging a punch and smashing a golem's face in.
*sigh* Talking is a free action, I suppose...
I'm not sure what you mean by "logarithmically". It's clear you're describing how the bullets do less damage to higher level digimon, but what I'm picturing is a "law of diminishing returns" situation, where all levels of digimon take a about the same damage from the first round of bullets, but evolved digimon experience less increased damage as the rate of fire increases.
Lastly, I'm surprised that digimon have such a human fear of death. I would expect them to be much more "death-neutral," perhaps viewing the departed as the souls of the remembered in the Day of the Dead tradition from some South American countries, especially because not only are there physical gods walking around, but also there's a clear correlation between the death of a 'mon and its data being absorbed by the environment. Are there digimon religious sects in this world? Has there been a change in perceptions of death, now that it's so prevalent during the war?
| KumoFuzei chapter 11 . 8/3/2016
Jesus. This is a long one, haha.
The little intro/recap at the start wasn't really necessary. I figure it was to show how he changed but he still hasn't changed too much so, yeah, it just sort of reads as a then this happened then this did.
Personally, I wish Commandramon had been colder. He seemed horrified at the time. But even entertaining the idea of talking to Chris seems so against his personality.
Tina's moment was actually quite touching. I know for a fact you're doing it just to make her death sadder, but still. It's good you try to humanize them in different ways.
A Chris flashback felt necessary for sure.
So Chris is trying to stop them using the guns. Interesting.
Some really nice vocab in this chapter.
I like how Ken doesn't accept Chris so easily. It's very him to think with his head first.
The constant flashbacks were quite intrusive.
I like how it's all the smart ones who are left behind. I like to think the others are mostly fighting resistances elsewhere in seret.
The bit with Ken and Chris talking about how Veemon improved him and such dragged on a bit.
The bit with the spiral was quite crushing. Davis really sheltered his partner from the cruelty and I can only imagine how it'll change Veemon when he has to face it.
Another really nice chapter.
| KumoFuzei chapter 10 . 8/1/2016
Jesus. This is a big word count to read. I had to take a break before this one, but now I'm ready to enjoy :D
Having a different POV at the start was actually quite nice.
The breast business I didn't expect. Fighting dirty is apparently okay to Chris, haha.
"prevening Christopher from finishing her off." preventing*
Brock keeps reminding me of the one from Pokemon, haha.
Chris's cold blood still seems to be in that refrigerated state with the way he's killing. But seeing him question this because of Veemon is very humbling for him. And it shows one of the key mortal values of Digimon.
Some of these battle scenes are just beautifully written in terms of choreography. A few bits remind me of Darker than Black, which had some really solid fights.
Lucille I feel is a really good antagonist and I hope she manages to stick around for a while. She's smart in a story that has a lot more brawn than brain character so far.
Chris's use of Digimon as tools is something I'm glad he is being called out on by Commandramon.
Veemon's fight with Yusuka felt like it wasn't really necessary though.
And then Centaurmon. What a beauty. I'm so proud.
While Chris just angsts away...
But then the Yusuka moment where Veemon saved him and Veemon himself being saved rather than winning. Nice.
It's a shame that the other Digimon can't give them a chance but it's such a moral grey area because you can see their side.
Damn Reeves is here.
Poor Tina. It seems so desperate.
Lucille is a machine. Favourite character of yours so far. She's just very compelling in her personality and her fighting style.
That X-Laser was interesting. I wonder how it works. And then becoming Paildramon. This is a whole 'nother level and I love it. It brings the Modifiers out of Sci-Fi and into Digimon. I just can't believe I didn't see the link with Veemon. I presume it's to do with Davis. They have him captured and with his Digivice they can extract the Digital link with Veemon and use it for their own Digivices.
Centaurmon's death was actually kind of moving. And then the repeating words really echoed home that mentor role.
I really hope Chris doesn't become able to modify too now.
A good chapter, with some really nice moments but at times it did feel unnecessarily long.
| KumoFuzei chapter 9 . 7/26/2016
Back again. Most of my comments from the last chapter stand again.
I liked how we got an explanation of the Modifiers' Digivices but I don't like how Aldo is talking so easy. I'm also so interested in Centaurmon and what you do with him. Is he the same one from Adventure, I wonder?
All these constantly new characters is getting a little confusing, haha.
Ahh, so now they can start just tearing off the Digivices and it's instant win?
I love Lucille. She's badass and got brains to boot. I hope she at least gets a good run.
I presume someone else from Chris's world came through and is the one supplying them with his tech.
I loved the end. But now this battle has been going on for a lot of words. I'm wondering when we get a bit of a break.
| KumoFuzei chapter 8 . 7/26/2016
Back to review. Going to see if I can do two or three chapters in a row.
"he oushed it back in and and" one too many ands.
"who dodged it rolling" This all runs on. Does he do a rolling dodge or does he does and then roll?
"Narrowlyavoiding" need a space. There's quite a few instances of this.
Chris's inner worry about using his weapon is good but it doesn't feel as plagued as I think you're trying to make it. I think having him actually curse out loud or something would really show how annoyed he was about having to use it.
In the fight with Aldo, it's a little jumpy and hard to follow.
I feel like you overuse bold and italics a bit.
Damn. You weren't afraid to really batter Stingmon.
Veemon with the DITE was like some chosen one Star Wars business.
The bit with Chris and Kazuki got very confusing at times.
"the weapon touched his bare leg, and through magnetism metal and skin stuck together for a few seconds, bringing much paralysis" this was very confusing. Much paralysis? The emphasis on touched? magnetism metal? Is that special metal?
Good to see you aren't afraid to hurt Chris either though. It raises the stakes.
"Undescribable" indiscribable* I think
Poor Wormmon. Although the way his bit ended, you know Veemon was coming to save him. It was very classic foreshadowing but you still really willed Veemon to come.
Having it so Veemon tried to save him was good. And him only caring about his paycheck worked well for his character.
Having Chris steal Kazuki's healing felt a little tired. He's just consistently so OP. And then his whole walking business. It just makes him so unlikable as a character. Whenever he's fighting, I want the bad guys to win, lmao. And the torture scene then felt very laboured. For someone battle hardened, he didn't use any form of mental torture. Which is always the preferred method. You have to damage the psyche to get what you want, physical harm is simply a means to an end.
The bit with Floramon felt a bit of an unnecessary diversion. It didn't really seem to add anything more to the story.
I'm glad Commandramon is okay.
How come Chris's gun hasn't ran out yet?
Veemon coming to terms with killing is done quite well. I look forward to seeing how it affects him as the story goes on.
A good chapter but at times it dragged a little. The plot was really engaging though, so that helped.
| KumoFuzei chapter 7 . 6/11/2015
Your song link is broken :)
I read the A/N at the bottom too incase there was anything important and kinda spoilered myself but not totally. So... I'm assuming Aether is based on a logarithmic scale then, if it's like the richter scale. So class C is power level 10. Class B is power level 100. Class A is power level 1000000? Sorta.
Christ on a bike, this is long. It took about a minute to scroll down.
At times, pronouns become a little confusing and the pacing of the fight isn't consistent.
Leomon died. A cliche but a well done one in this case. I really wish you hadn't taken so long with it though. I know it sounds silly but I would have loved for Veemon to be traumatised and unable to have a second to grieve because y'know, he's in a fight for his life? Personally, I would have found that more powerful.
Sometimes the sentence structure in the fighting is repetitive and this slows down the pacing.
Also, sometimes the use of flowery language can slow down the flow and reduce the immersion in the battles.
I like how you don't tell us everything about aether straight away but I still feel like Chris reveals too much.
I'm starting to think someone came back when/before/after Chris and they gave the DSI the technology. Yet again, it's nice to see Chris humanised by getting him hurt.
The bit about the R-Scanner, while useful and good for exposition, was a bit long.
I wonder if Commandramon will die, I kind of hope not :(
The battle felt very 'closed off'. There was no thoughts or mentions of the damage to the building affecting others or even others being about. They may as well have been in an empty wasteland.
A nice ending but it wasn't too cliffhangery in making we want to read on.
| KumoFuzei chapter 6 . 6/9/2015
Okay... wow. This is a longgggg chapter. But I'm going to try do it all in one sitting, without getting distracted. We shall see how that goes.
I liked the descriptions and the pacing at the start but the dialogue got a little bit plot-y and unbelievable for me in the first part.
Love the ending of the second part. In fact, the whole second part was really immersive and interesting. You build intrigue but snatch us away at the right moment.
I appreciate you summarising what was said rather than write out whole conversations but even the summaries got a little long and arduous (just because I've already read what's happened so I was just looking for ommisions/lies).
Permanent deletion is an interesting concept. However, I think the third part could be a bit longer. I feel you cut us away too fast and it's becoming confusing to swap back and forth so much.
With Woodmon Four it kind of felt like you were forgetting how the Digimon look and move and what their capabilities would likely be. It was almost like just using them as human goons but giving them a Digimon name.
I like the ending of that section though. It's very final. I hope it's the last of the fighting because if it is (I forget how many Woodmon are dead) it's just a very good finale to the fighting portion of that bit. Sure, they might advance and fight another battle, but that feels done to me.
I liked the exposition on Chris's background. It gave some but not a lot.
The emotions came across quite well in their arguments about Chris.
Chris isn't gaining too many likability points but you somehow make him seem more human and down-to-earth, if not somewhat still annoying in this chapter.
You give some explanations and you show that they reallllllly suck at torturing/interrogation (whether intentional or not). The former is nice but the latter is infuriating. Just tear off a few fingernails already! Ahem, excuse me. And when they don't get to cut off the arm straight away, I want them to cut it off so badly! Cut the muscles/tendons in his arm first then chop it off. ARGHHH, why must they suck so much.
So his skin is supernatural too? Not surprising but then why wouldn't he let them try cut his arm off and fail to ruin their morale?
I wanted the attack on the base to happen next chapter, I feel like it would have had more impact. Ending after the torture and such wouldn't be a bad idea. Veemon discovering them is actually a really good ending. Just a thought.
"Kikuchi, your team is hereby authorized to use maximum force." "This charade is a WASTE OF MY EFFING TIME!" "Operation: Midnight Assault will commence in two minutes. Do not forget your objectives."
I don't think you can put three lots of speech after each other without a break. It's really confusing if you are actually allowed.
I quite liked the word agog.
The fact they use the same technology IS a great reveal for the end of a chapter but I much prefer still splitting this.
Anyway, I enjoyed it and actually managed to do it in one sitting (with a few breaks it only took 2 hours :3)
| KumoFuzei chapter 5 . 5/1/2015
Back again after such a long time to finally review :) Remembering where I was up to may be difficult.
It was nice to see how Commandramon is dealing with the 'loss' of Veemon. Talking about the chlorophyll felt like too much detail.
I find the situation with Chris being rejected strange. He doesn't take people not caring about him well, does he?
I was a bit disappointed he got through so easily but I guess Veemon is important.
A very standard chapter, I don't have too much to say. The plot's progressing nicely and I look forward to the next one :)
| Ralmon chapter 3 . 4/22/2015
Well, a rather tense and suspenseful chapter. Though the slow pacing in the action scenes rather dull the moment and rob the feeling of immediacy making it appear like they are just walking in the park. Also the very contrived dialogue from the soldiers which is kinda irritating.
Otherwise a swell chapter with that rather nice cliffhanger in the end.
| Ralmon chapter 2 . 4/21/2015
Wow. After that underwhelming prologue... this was actually fantastic. You just had to persevere.
Prose is amazing as usual, albeit a bit repetitious and somewhat slowing down the pace. The tension is wonderfully depicted.
I like this chapter a lot.
| KumoFuzei chapter 4 . 3/24/2015
De Ja Vu. I'm sure I've read this plot before. Oh, checked, and it makes sense. Sorry. It is improved though in a lot of ways. I enjoyed reading this as much, if not more than the first time.
I love the focus on Veemon's thoughts and feelings. I'm sure there was a lot more focus on Chris last time.
A lot of the exposition is brilliant. At times it feels like you're going off on a tangent though. Overall, I think around 4-5k words could be cut from this in a rewrite and still have it retain the same punch. I may be overexagerating slightly, but a fair amount could be removed. That's not to say it doesn't add anything, most of it does, but sometimes it just feels a little ramble-y.
Really enjoyed this chapter :)
| Miles Depth chapter 1 . 3/8/2015
While I watched Digimon when I was younger, I never got engrossed in the world like I did with other shows. That aside, I felt pretty at home reading your story. You treated all the characters like new characters, which I greatly appreciated. I didn't have to know who anyone was going in because you eased the reader into the concept, story, and character motivations.
That's a pretty big deal to me. Plenty of people just assume that anyone reading their work will automatically know who everyone is.
At 14k words, it's hard to pick out anything specific about this chapter other than it's gotten me interested in both continuing this story and Digimon as a fandom. I am a pretty huge fan of the approach you took with regards to your story. Human's are so fallible, and you exploit that. We are natural enemies of the things we create or anything that's different and presents itself as a contender to our greatness. However, at the same time you give the Digimon many of these same qualities. It's not hard to see the logic behind either side, but at the same time it's easy to pick the side we as the reader should agree with.
| Justisya-nyan27 chapter 1 . 3/8/2015
KUYA! One day...I'll outwrite you! You and your beautiful writing and fancy vocab! I'll outwrite you from another fandom! WATCH ME, KUYA! WATCH MEEEEE! (Unless I can outwrite you now and not in like years (I learn very fast, don't expect me to take years but it um might) just know it's on. It's so on). ANYSHOES! Good. Job.