|Reviews for The Interloper|
| KumoFuzei chapter 5 . 5/1
Back again after such a long time to finally review :) Remembering where I was up to may be difficult.
It was nice to see how Commandramon is dealing with the 'loss' of Veemon. Talking about the chlorophyll felt like too much detail.
I find the situation with Chris being rejected strange. He doesn't take people not caring about him well, does he?
I was a bit disappointed he got through so easily but I guess Veemon is important.
A very standard chapter, I don't have too much to say. The plot's progressing nicely and I look forward to the next one :)
| Ralmon chapter 3 . 4/22
Well, a rather tense and suspenseful chapter. Though the slow pacing in the action scenes rather dull the moment and rob the feeling of immediacy making it appear like they are just walking in the park. Also the very contrived dialogue from the soldiers which is kinda irritating.
Otherwise a swell chapter with that rather nice cliffhanger in the end.
| Ralmon chapter 2 . 4/21
Wow. After that underwhelming prologue... this was actually fantastic. You just had to persevere.
Prose is amazing as usual, albeit a bit repetitious and somewhat slowing down the pace. The tension is wonderfully depicted.
I like this chapter a lot.
| KumoFuzei chapter 4 . 3/24
De Ja Vu. I'm sure I've read this plot before. Oh, checked, and it makes sense. Sorry. It is improved though in a lot of ways. I enjoyed reading this as much, if not more than the first time.
I love the focus on Veemon's thoughts and feelings. I'm sure there was a lot more focus on Chris last time.
A lot of the exposition is brilliant. At times it feels like you're going off on a tangent though. Overall, I think around 4-5k words could be cut from this in a rewrite and still have it retain the same punch. I may be overexagerating slightly, but a fair amount could be removed. That's not to say it doesn't add anything, most of it does, but sometimes it just feels a little ramble-y.
Really enjoyed this chapter :)
| Miles Depth chapter 1 . 3/8
While I watched Digimon when I was younger, I never got engrossed in the world like I did with other shows. That aside, I felt pretty at home reading your story. You treated all the characters like new characters, which I greatly appreciated. I didn't have to know who anyone was going in because you eased the reader into the concept, story, and character motivations.
That's a pretty big deal to me. Plenty of people just assume that anyone reading their work will automatically know who everyone is.
At 14k words, it's hard to pick out anything specific about this chapter other than it's gotten me interested in both continuing this story and Digimon as a fandom. I am a pretty huge fan of the approach you took with regards to your story. Human's are so fallible, and you exploit that. We are natural enemies of the things we create or anything that's different and presents itself as a contender to our greatness. However, at the same time you give the Digimon many of these same qualities. It's not hard to see the logic behind either side, but at the same time it's easy to pick the side we as the reader should agree with.
| Justisya-nyan27 chapter 1 . 3/8
KUYA! One day...I'll outwrite you! You and your beautiful writing and fancy vocab! I'll outwrite you from another fandom! WATCH ME, KUYA! WATCH MEEEEE! (Unless I can outwrite you now and not in like years (I learn very fast, don't expect me to take years but it um might) just know it's on. It's so on). ANYSHOES! Good. Job.
| sm4567 chapter 1 . 3/1
I really enjoyed this first chapter, and even the rough parts of it, really helped you set the tone for what you are trying to accomplice for this story, and I can wish you nothing for the best of luck to carry it on till the very end!
It's always a pleasure to read someone who takes the fanfic mentality seriously, and you used it to do one heck of a job, and even though it will be a while to get to the rest of the chapters, I just want you to know that you really made a genuine effort to show people how the naivete and optimism of the 02 epilogue wouldn't work anyway, not against the greed, ignorance, and pride of the world of the adults surrounding the Chosen Children, as the true breadth of how darker humanity can be. I mean, that's how I would have reacted, and it feels like you did a rather cool, almost X-Menesque, depiction of how things go downhill for both Digimon and the humans alike.
It took me a while to get used to it, as it is a writing style I strive to achieve on my own for a lot of the other fandoms I tend to write stories about, and really, Digimon Adventure being packed full of fictional characters, we all have the right to picture them however we like, and I genuinely love all the bits of pieces of information that you have thrown into it, since it really fits the nature of the story you wanted to tell, and I don't mind how realistic it can get.
Can I take a moment to say how awesome it was to incorporate certain characters from Digimon Tamers, essentially making it clear it my head that Digimon Tamers, regardless of how dark it may seem to Adventure by fans, it is undeniably a sibling to the Adventure/02 series, essentially forming a trilogy of Digimon anime shows, adding another additional layer that could have worked in an actual Adventure 03, but maybe that's just me saying it, and not for the majority of the hardcore fans out there.
Unlike something like Pokemon, Digimon is a fantasy-oriented science fiction concept that could always become a nightmarish science reality, if it were to run amok. Is the same reason why I find DC Comics' Superman in the comics so bizarre, especially now as a young adult, given that the guy is virtually unstoppable, although he wants to devote his time doing good things and helping everybody out, being impeccably nice, because otherwise, he would have set himself up as the ruler of Earth.
And what's interesting is that in none of the stories in the comics, for at least in terms of his first fifty of his existence, the writers and artists working in them had actually raised that as a possibility.
You know, I bet that in the last 23 years, there have been some interpretations of that, although i still find it odd that that was never dealt with decades ago, but then again, tastes change, and one has to see each of these stories and media of entertainment through the same prism of how they were written back then, so I am no one to point fingers, that's mot what I do.
But anyway, I am really glad that you started work on it again, I liked the revised version of this first chapter, and I will try my best, whenever I have some time to kill to read more of it, in the midst of my college obligations and assignments. And thanks for putting it out, since it was a huge sign of relief that there's actually a story where thought was put into it, and I sincerely enjoyed it and felt that all the way till the last line. It's awesome!
Again, I really like the themes and topics you are addressing in this story, how well you use the elements and several characters from Digimon Tamers, as I pointed out, and you really made me think about Digimon in an ultimately different way. I wouldn't understand what bugged me about the 02 epilogue as a kid, but now i know exactly what that was, and I am glad that you are one of the people who want to show why this could never work out for both sides either way.
Take care, Silent Insomniac! Keep on rocking!
PS: I am thinking of doing my own AU of Adventure 02, and I wonder if you have any Beta you know of, one that you would recommend to help me out. It's sort of my re imagining of Adventure 02, but I won't bother with that here. If you have any suggestions on Beta readers that could me out, and if you are curious what exactly my 02 rewrite will be different from, let me know.
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/1
I kind of fell asleep about halfway through.
That's not a good sign.
| kingveemon chapter 1 . 2/28
This the Shinjuku March scene came up i had a bloody anxiety writting has evolved my friend.
While your writting before was good because of its strong characters I can tell that the way you narrate became better.(Not that it was bad better then what anything that i read in the last weeks coming from Digimon.)
BTW Christopher van Numen,The Prodigal Asshole and Modern time Kratos.
I used to like the scene at Mount Fuji he is an twat.
I shall now sink my teeth into your rewritten 1 chapter and then go back to waiting for the "God Moders" Chapter.
PS:Chris is an ASS.
| Lord Pata chapter 30 . 2/27
Quite a good chapter. You sure took long to update huh? XD
Anyhow, glad to see you're still working on this fic. I really love your way to work with PataTail. Even if on this one we didn't see much of it due to Patamon being dead, at least we got some views on how much they loved each other and cared for each other when Patamon was still alive.
I agree with Veemon (and with Patamon by default) on that Tailmon was being too much harsh on her opponents.
I can't wait to see that prologue you will add and the overhaul of the first chapter n_n
| KumoFuzei chapter 3 . 8/4/2014
Back to finally read again! Sorry it took me so long but I have been meaning to read a chapter so I'm going to sacrifice an hour of sleep and do it now.
I think the chapter is a little clunky at the start in terms of flow and it's very speech heavy. I know that's needed but I wouldn't mind some actions/descriptions to break it up.
Commandramon seems to understand the Digivices quite well. I know it's only basic but it's a little quibble.
"ejaculate" I know you love your flowery language but this was the wrong word choice. I know it's crude but let's be honest. Reading something like this turns a serious work into something almost comedic.
I still don't like Chris but hopefully he'll grow on me with time.
I like Veemon's characterisation throughout.
I kind of liked the fight scene but it was missing something.
There are some SPAG mistakes.
An interesting chapter that leaves the next chapter open for a big fight scene. I look forward to it!
| Thinker chapter 16 . 6/18/2014
Another chapter down, not much to say other than it was good and I'm eager to see where this will all go next time. :)
| Thinker chapter 15 . 6/14/2014
Another good, enjoyable chapter. Normally I'm not one for a large amount of exposition in one big go, but Tina and Hikari help incorporate some missing plot elements into the narrative quite nicely. I was really waiting for Chris and Vee to get to Mt. Fuji for a while, so it's nice to see that pay off.
| Thinker chapter 14 . 6/8/2014
Okay, finally finished "The Butterfly Effect" and now this chapter.
I'll go ahead and be honest... the last several chapters have been a pacing nightmare. Long, too gory to take seriously, and depressing. Half of chapter 13 was just action sequence after action sequence and though we got a little more insight into Chris's background, we don't actually know that much more than we did before. And the worst part is that you already exercised your author voice to tell us it would be a failure, so it's not like there was any dramatic tension. Honestly, it wasn't a good read.
This chapter, by contrast, is better. We're back to the world building, the character interaction, and now we're seeing things where we don't know the outcome. Introducing Yoshi and Lalamon was neat as well as seeing more from Yamaki and Kurata. After more than two chapters of nonstop mindless action sequences, it was nice see things move forward.
Now here's the main problem: I'm interested to see this conflict move forward and I'd like to see how all this stuff with the good guys and the DSI is going to go down... but I still can't really find myself giving a crap about Chris as an overpowered OC or about his dead girlfriend or our new villainess, Felicia. The main weakness of this story is that you have two utterly unconnected plot lines that have intersected and I just don't seem to care about more than one of them. I plan to keep reading, but hopefully there won't be another marathon run of unbroken action scenes or I'll probably have to skip a chapter or two.
I hope I'm not being too harsh, but if I'm being honest, the pacing and OC intrusion are mucking up what could be, on its own, a pretty darn good "Digimon" story on its own.
| KumoFuzei chapter 2 . 2/17/2014
A very powerful start, which was both moving and well written. I especially like the idea that death isn't as comforting as we hope it is and that his life has come full circle back to where it began.
I did like the realism with the medical supplies and Chris in the second section but I'm not very keen on Chris as an OC. I'm hoping he'll grow on me and I'm still willing to give him a chance but his personality is lacking something which reduces his likability.
"But the Chosen was dead wasn't he?" dead, wasn't he?* I think.
The other side (the modifiers) I'm finding to be a lot more likable than Chris. Their personalities come through, even this early on, and I feel like there's a backstory for each of them to explain their involvement. In summary, they all feel 3D.
"He backpedaled, leaping to his face." I don't get the second half?
The bit with Veemon waking up is well done, mostly because Veemon's emotions feel real. He's terrified, and for good reason, and you portray it well.
The bit about having an instinctive sense of malice is something I think would be very plausible by battle hardened veterans. Even we, as normal humans, usually know if something is amiss with someone.
I like the apparent return of the original Veemon, it's very cute and heartwarming.
"on 1753 hours" ermm?
goldenrod begins to get quite repetitive and I'm hoping there's a reason it's consistently mentioned.
The fact Veemon only asked eight times leads me to believe one of the remaining four is either known by Chris or they're not in this story.
I like the initial introductions a lot, they reflect their personalities and aren't just used to further the plot.
I quite liked the suspense and the escape, both were done brilliantly. I was running through how they were going to get out of this in my head and the possibility of the commander calling didn't come into it but it's certainly the most believable option.
I'm really liking it so far and so curious as to see who the two remaining Digimon are. Although you did state only in the digital world. Perhaps the others are in the real world.
A very good ending that leaves me wanting more. The only thing I could complain about is sometimes I felt the flow suffered as a result of the constant POV changes.