Reviews for Twenty One
truthsetfree chapter 1 . 7/24/2011
Very sad. Well done.
Onyx Gallan chapter 1 . 2/26/2011
Awwwwwww. That's sad. Just from reading this honestly, you sent me back on a trip back through time from book one until the death of the twins. They were my favorite twins of all time like Salt and Pepper, Fire and Ice, and that sort of thing. And something I noticed is that you constantly used would through out the piece for consistency. Kudos to you on that. :)

If they had lived, they would have been Twenty One
TheWeaselette chapter 1 . 10/5/2010
Wonderful! Very touching and sweet )
Wendy Brune chapter 1 . 10/4/2010
This was very, very good. I think the strength of this piece is the tense you use. It effectively says so much about the true meaning of this piece without ever actually mention Fred's death at all. The contrast between the light-heartedness (not quite a word, I realize) and the rather bleak truth that the reader already knows is just perfect, really. I'm having a lot of trouble describing how this piece made me feel, and I think that's a really good thing.

Another strength with this one-shot is the little details you include. You have a wonderful grasp on the characters. I particularly like the beginning paragraph and the idea that Fred and George would each have their own favorite firework.

Molly's kitchenware would have likely became targets— "Can't you two do something helpful with your wands?"—along with Arthur's Muggle gadgets— "Honestly, boys!"—and Ron's knickers— "Really witty; next time I want pink bloomers, I'll buy them, thanks!"]

This is /exactly/ what I feel like each character would say in repsonse. You nailed the dialouge perfectly.

If I had to find one little thing to critique - a hard task in itself - I would have to point out that just a few sentences are a little awkwardly phrased. I think this is more because of the use of an uncommon/slightly difficult tense than anything else really. It doesn't really detract at all from the story.

Overall, this was very well written piece of work. I really, really enjoyed it. You have a fine eye for detail and a particular knack at dialouge. Great job!
loverly zee chapter 1 . 1/15/2010
This makes me sad! This was very wonderful, very simple, but powerful. The tense that you used throughout this had a very simple but powerful connotation of what "would have" been. I love the little details that you put in there, such as the rubber ear that Lee Jordan gives and how Molly nags over little things. I also think that the little dialogue you had there really made this more intimate. Oh and the mock sadness. The only thing that I would suggest would be to break up all of the "would have"s with some variation in sentence structure, but I think in this case, it definitely worked pretty well! :)
MrsPeelWe'reNeeded chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
A great story. Very well written.
TheWordFountain chapter 1 . 11/30/2009
The one thing I loved about this was the tense you used, to show just what you were trying to portray in this piece.

Great job! I almost cried!
Maiden Muse chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Great job. A really nice sweet story.

Keep Writing!

Mysterious Maiden.x
Rhea Silverkeys chapter 1 . 9/20/2009
I found your story through the review game at WA.

Overall view:

I liked it. The story had, I thought, quite a nostalgic tone to it...sad, but happy too since it was depicting a would-be happy event. I think you got the tone down right. Characterisation was good, too, with the day full of twin antics and fun. I wasn't too sure about the Fred and George cakes, but then that's because I'd find a cake in the shape of my head a bit weird.

Nitpicks/grammar/paragraph by paragraph:

Apparate should be capitalised. I really liked the second sentence. Simple but it conjured up a nice image and I liked the twins having their own favourites on the fireworks.

I'm also pretty sure that Summon and Summoning should be capitalised, as they're names of spells. "George probably would have let Fred, the older one, win (George missed it by one measly minute)." As you're talking about the future, wouldn't it be: "(George would have missed it by one measly minute)"? Since it hasn't happened yet?

"And yelling would remind them (too much) of Molly..." The brackets take away from the sentence, in my opinion. I think the sentence works just fine as: "And yelling would remind them too much of Molly..."

"And after a wonderful day of antics, night will have descended upon The Burrow." It should be "would" instead of "will".

"But the cake!" I thought this was a nice way to draw attention to it. "...with huge purple top-hats." I'm pretty sure top hats doesn't need a dash.

"Tears would have been in her eyes and she would have commented on how relieved she is for her family to be alive and in good health." Inconsistent tenses here. It should be "...relieved she was for..."

The last sentence finished off the piece very well. Completely sums up the whole thing and fits in with the mood of it.
pippermint chapter 1 . 9/1/2009
WhyJKRwhy. D8

Love love love this, Silver, in case you didn't know already. It's so moving. There's a whole bunch of characters in a very short piece, but you've managed to characterize each one of them perfectly-and all for a scenario that isn't going to happen. As some of your other reviewers have said, the tense just makes this even better. I especially like that the impossibility of their birthday party is implied and not said. It leaves the reader wondering what the reality is, which makes it even sadder. And the last line fits like the final piece of a puzzle; I can't imagine it ending any other way and I don't want to.

However, I do want to go and reread this (again)... So, pwnsome as usual (even more so, I think), I'm faving, and thanks for posting!
Ky-lassassin chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
Ohmigod, Silver, that was so so so good. It was absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking because none of it was /real/, and that was the best and worst part of it. Everything you wrote was spot-on and realistic and ilu so much. Seriously. -heart-

[The Weasley might have eaten in the garden]

Weasleys~

...You said "envelops" twice when it should've been "envelopes." :s

...But that's really it for CC, and even then, 's no big deal. Very, very well-written; definitely a favorite. (:
Streameh chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
Oh, Silv. That was so good! I think it was a great idea, and you did an amazing job writing it. You're descriptions were perfect, the character's personalities were exactly as they really are, and I loved the 'might have's and 'would have's. It really gave a sense of longing. The ending was powerful; actually, the whole story was. Awesome job!
Espoir Noir chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
Oh. That was almost too sad to finish. The light-heartedness of it is completely undermined by our knowledge of what actually happened. Beautiful idea, beautifully written. Heart-breakingly sad.
lyin chapter 1 . 8/30/2009
ah, you're killing me. because it seems exactly the way it would, and *should*, have been since you have everyone so in-character, and it is perfect (even with Percy not being there, which would probably have upset Molly, but less so Fred and George.) the little details- saving a cake-ear!, Harry choking on his water (seems like his default response for some reason), the precision of your descriptions- make it feel so true, and your choice of tense keeps the sense of 'if only' throughout. nice work, keep writing!
skiesofviolet chapter 1 . 8/30/2009
This was very well-written. You absolutely nailed the characters' personalities. The ending line was very powerful. Nicely done.

Sunny
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