|Reviews for Eyes Opened|
| Wake-up Soon chapter 1 . 9/13/2009
LOVED. As per usual. I really liked her reactions. She's special, like Gwen XD
| Lizzie5115 chapter 1 . 9/12/2009
That was so well done! I really was interested the whole time and the character felt very real and i want more! Please keep it up :)
| IndeMaat chapter 1 . 9/8/2009
I like the opening line. I really do. It's a good set up for someone with an interesting view on life. The next few paragraphs don't really sustain that feeling. I'm actually starting to think the narrator is a bit of a bore. Heck, she even says herself that she isn't very interesting.
Then comes the attack in the park. Which I like, as a scene, not because I had some desire that the narrator got attacked. Next, a scene at the hospital, where I get pulled out of the story by this line: "I was good at keeping tabs on my emotions." I don't believe that. In the second paragraph the narrator cried because she didn't understand her maths homework and that would lead to frustration on her future plans. Not all that good at keeping tabs on her emotions, I'd say.
Though, I do believe narrator wouldn't cry at this point, but can't it just be because she's too stunned to cry, or because she's not realising the magnitude of the information she is dealing with?
In all, I like this story. There are, however, a few mechanical issues I want to address.
(1) don't start so many sentences with "And". It makes me think the narrator forgot to tell something, or is rushing to get to the punch line (an eight-year-old might tell their story like that, but this narrator is much older).
(2) at the end of dialogue, before the end quotation, put a full stop there when not using anything else. If there's nothing there, it actually means the sentence hasn't finished yet.
(3) put a comma before the vocative case. A vocative case is a noun that identifies the person (e.g. Jack or sweetie) that is addressed. e.g "Stay with me, kid." You can best tell the importance of this comma when looking at these two sentences:
- I don't know Jack
- I don't know, Jack
In the first someone says they don't know Jack. In the second they are telling Jack they don't know.
Was this a one-shot or will you continue? I think it works as a one-shot, though the ending does lead up to a continuation.