|Reviews for Endlessly|
| RoseQuartz1 chapter 1 . 5/27/2013
AWESOME! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV IT! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD
| Angel of Music 111 chapter 1 . 2/12/2011
Love the story... I also love the band Muse although I can see this couple with their song I Belong to You
| Lass Cherrie chapter 1 . 10/27/2009
Okay, Bunny. I think I can officially say this was TOO long. I got three quarters of the way through before my brain threatened to explode, and I skipped to the end.
You had the same problems with this fic as I had with some of my earlier fics (I started out writing songfics here, too XD).
Number one: You ran in circles. You introduced one theme, one idea, and then kept repeating it, slightly rearranging the words or looking at it from a slighgtly different angle. As a result, the story felt like it was going absolutely nowhere. I remember Kish's Kittie grilling me for that very reason back in '07 lol.
Number two: AN-N-N-N-N-N-GST. So much ANGST. It was like... I wanted to go shower after reading this so I could detox the angst from my system! XD Very angsty, Bunny. If you were going for that, then you hit the nail on the head. But overall, on a relfective glance back at the fic, there was too much of it. The angst was a little overpowering.
Number three: Repetition. All Kish really did for the entire duration of this fic, was repeat himself, and pine for Ichigo. Over and over and over and over and over...
Number four: Contradi-i-i-i-i-ctions. One moment it was 'Ichigo WILL love me someday; I know it!', and the next it was 'Will she EVER love me?'... This depended a lot on the line of lyrics dictating the paragraph. I think I understand where you were trying to come from; Kish was confused about everything - doubting, musing, reconsidering - but this was like a tennis match! Left! Right! Left! Right! Yes! No! Love! Hate! OMG I THINK MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE! XD
Number five: To say this story was boring would be a lie, because it wasn't. It was nice and sweet. But it was very, very slow. It dragged a lot. I think that was because there was no pace. That's the problem with character musings/internal monologues/reflections. Since there are no significant plot points to connect the dots, you have to rely solely on a train of thought to unfold the story. You made Kish's train of thought far too long. This could be significantly due to the amount of lyrics you used. There were a LOT. Maybe next time don't use the entire song; just use snippits of it. I started to get the feeling towards the end of it that you were running out of mushy things for Kish to be thinking - like you'd exhausted your pot of ideas. Cut back on the lyrics next time, and focus on making the portion used detailed, sharp and significant :)
Having said all that, I love romantic musings. And this definitely fit the bill. It was clear how important she was to him, and how much he really seemed to NEED her to survive each day. It's hard to say whether he was IC, because there was no character interaction, and often a character's maturity differs from thoughts to actions. I have a feeling Kish would be much more mature when confined to his thoughts. Nevertheless, I have to congratulate you: You're starting to win me over with the Kishigo pairing. Thought I may not be quite there just yet, I am warming to them.
But in my eyes, ICHIGO WILL ALWAYS BELONG WITH RYOU. End. XD
Now, for a few more little things.
You need to watch your tenses. You switched frequently - especially towards the end - from present to past tense. I shall provide some examples right now:
"His love will never end, will never die. Nothing can extinguish what he feels for her, not even their differences and. He would destroy everything in their way, so that all was left was his love for her."
- His love WILL (present/future) never end... Nothing CAN extinguish what he FEELS (present)... He WOULD (past) destroy... all that was left WAS (past) his love...
See the issues here? You did this a few times. Basically, you needed to pick one tense and stick with it. Personally, since the entire story up until the end was written in past tense, I would have chosen past. Which would have made the above paragraph, if re-written in the past tense:
"His love would never end, would never die. Nothing could extinguish what he felt for her, not even their differences. He would destroy everything in their way, so that all that was left was his love for her."
Also, there was an unnecessary 'and' in there that I cut out so the paragraph made more sense.
Aside from the tense issues, there was only one other thing I picked up on. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seemed that this could be one of your earlier fics. Did you write this a whole ago? It felt that way. I got the distinct feeling throughout the piece that you were experimenting with phrases and sentence structure; sometimes there were sentences that read a little uncomfortably. There were a few at the very start, from memory. I'll see if I can find them...
"It scared him so much because it made him question his beliefs and how far he would go the distance. His heart was beginning to overrule his head, and that could never do. He knew his duty and what he must do."
- '... and how far he would go the distance'
Yea-a-a-ah. That, to me, has issues. You either have a certain distance you will go (ie: How far he would go) or you go the distance (ie: Whether he would go the distance). Because 'the distance' is the WHOLE kit and kaboodle. You can't have a portion of the distance. You either go the whole way, or you don't. So this little snippit here, I think, should have either been:
"... it made him question his beliefs and how far he was willing to go..."
"... it made him question his beliefs and ('wonder' could be added in here; optional) whether he would go the distance..."
BUT there's more XD Later on in this paragraph you wrote:
"His heart was beginning to overrule his head, and that could never do."
- '... that could never do.'
No, no that won't do (oh the irony! XD). It should be 'would never do', not 'could never do'. Could never do just sounds awkward. The generally used phrase is 'would never do'. I think these are things you just pick up with practise, time and experience. I've got a feeling you wouldn't make the same mistake in more recent work, so I'm confident :)
Erm... I think I might have written enough, don't you? XD
This review turned into a monster, and I only intended to leave some small critiscisms XD So much for that! XD
I hope you don't think this is a flame o_o
It's really not. Every now and then I just pick apart a story. Today's your lucky (or... unlucky... ') day :P
Anyway. I hope my review doesn't discourage you, or make you hate me and want to burn my stories and curse my family XD And I hope that, above all, you can recognise the things I'm talking about :) You have a solid, fluid style of writing. Everything I've nit-picked is just the icing sugar on the strawberry; the strawberry by itself is still yummy, but the icing sugar just gives it that little bit extra XD
You have a nice fat strawberry :) I'm just trying to find you a better brand of icing sugar
That's it from me. I'ma sign out now :)
| AkuRoku-MyOTP 813 chapter 1 . 10/17/2009
great story! :]
| LittleSparrowFlewAway chapter 1 . 9/11/2009
AWZ! This was so sweet and touching I wuvs it My favorite part is -magical drum roll-:And I won't leave you falling...
She was falling in more ways than one. Not only for the wrong person, because she had to be in love with him, but into the wrong ideas. Ichigo needed to become more open to the thought of love and how much Kish loved her.
He would show her that, someday.
… If the moment ever comes.
It totally defines the whole Kish & Ichigo romance genre all in one nice , sweet, neat little section. Awesome job Bunny-chan!
| megzeeeh.lol.uk chapter 1 . 9/11/2009
TT So sad...
It was amazingly amazing, Fireflies! :D
So passionate and kinda of a good depressing.
It made me cry...not many fics do that to me! That's how good you are!
Keep writing! ;D
| True Colours chapter 1 . 9/11/2009
I honestly don't think this was your best. It was accurately written and moving in places, but I found it repeated both itself and other oneshots that you've written. There were also some points it made that I wasn't sure about; for example, he says that he can never tell her he loves her. I don't remember him ever actually saying 'I love you' in the cannon, but it's not exactly a secret to her, and I don't think he cares who knows by the end.
As I said, you've written stuff like this before and I think it would be good if you turned your (considerable) talents towards a Kichigo oneshot that wasn't onesided, some PaiXLettuce or PuddingXTart friendship, or better yet, a chaptered fic. I would be one of the first to read any of that.
Sorry this review was such a downer. I look at you so crytically because, at your best, you are awesome :).
| BroadwayObsessedGirl54 chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
Wow... I loved it! It was so deep and so accurate! I felt my heart breaking along with Kish's :'(
What a great ending, I can't think of anything more perfect for this drabble... You really are an awesome writer. Keep on writing!
| MewSara100 chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
So beautiful! I loved this fic! Also, if you go to then you can type in the artist and it'll give you all the songs they've sung. Sometimes they even have the lyrics! God Bless!
| KaleidoscopeKreation chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
It was really good as always, Bunny-oneechan. *sigh*
But... IT WAS YET ANOTHER UNREQUITED LOVE KICHIGO. Girl, you need to extend your repartee! There's only so much tear-jerkingly beautiful stuff someone can stand! Write either one with a HAPPY ENDING, or PAIRETASU fluff, or UNREQUITED SOME-OTHER-COUPLE! Not that I don't like it, it's just that you should branch out and do more of other stuff so we can enjoy that too!
Please, Bunny-oneechan? I know that you're definitely good enough! XD
| Saba's Reflection chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
I have to agree with you when you said we wouldn't regret listening to it. It gives me this sinking feeling, the song blending into the atmosphere as I read your fic. By coincidence I ended up reading the lyrics as he sang them, giving an extra effect to your story. I have to admit, the ending was what we were all waiting for.
[His words lingered in the night. “Because I love you endlessly.”]
It was delightfully depressing, if that can actually be a compliment.
| mew mew 124 chapter 1 . 9/9/2009
Can u make a sequal?