|Reviews for You Belong With Me|
| ohbuoy chapter 36 . 7/20
itachiiii :o! 10/10
| garra chapter 29 . 1/14
I didn't like when garra and hinata break up,i feel like i just want to quit reading this fanfic :p
| Guest chapter 6 . 12/13/2015
This is too good
| TheEliteSlave chapter 16 . 12/2/2015
| TheEliteSlave chapter 15 . 12/2/2015
Not true! Aishido getting his ass kicked was pretty amusing
| TheEliteSlave chapter 12 . 12/2/2015
Eh heh heh, ignore my previous review
| TheEliteSlave chapter 10 . 12/2/2015
Love the story! Please don't update! I have a superb suggestion for the next chapter.
| TheEliteSlave chapter 8 . 12/2/2015
| theaddictwithapen chapter 38 . 11/15/2015
the review under mine is bullshit. it's a fanfiction all, and no fanfiction ever is completely accurate. keep doing you! ignore the last one. that person obviously has no life to be able to sit there and point out every possible "flaw" in a fanfiction. entertaining story by the way!do what you like
| Guest chapter 7 . 10/15/2015
I commend you on finishing this story I really do, but I'm afraid I can no longer read this. There were some things I was very willing to overlook (such as the fact that this is supposed to be a modern Japan AU, but harbors no Japanese social culture whatsoever. I.E. Calling people by their given names so easily, it's a big deal to ben first name basis with people in Japan.)
The fact that the story was getting a bit frustrating, so I decided to read the reviews and found out that practically everyone falls for Hinata. Hinata is a pretty girl, a sweet girl, but it's kind of odd that she happens to be everyone"s type as in they want to spend their life with her. That's actually really annoying in that it makes all the other girls seem insignificant and you're boosting up the main girl by bringing the other girls down.
Sakura was getting annoying too. There is one way to portray a self-centered, spoiled brat and still have her have dimension but unfortunately Sakura was very flat as a character and seemed to only be there for the sake of animosity. A disposable character that anyone could have filled. It just seemed so odd that this Sakura was the person that Sasuke would've forsook Hinata for. I'm not the biggest fan of Sakura by a long shot, but this was way our of character. I suppose by writing fanfic any character can seen as OOC but this was a bit too much. Any girl could have filled in the role of the mean girl, it didn't feel like Sakura needed to be this girl.
Secondly, Hinata was and has been really bland as a character. Which is unfortunate because she was the reason why I read this story in the first place. Again, she feels like the Mary Sue who can do no wrong and it's everyone else who is mean, not her. She has no dimension. Add to the fact that her father is mean to her, but not in the scary Asian Dad, Hiashi-way but rather it seems really petty. Like really? Taking her siblings out but not her because she was asleep? You're telling me Neji and Hanabi went along with this all fine and dandy? Some siblings they are.
I think even if Hinata was seen as the "lame" girl in the school, she'd still have a regal and ethereal aura to her. But perhaps she wears her hair in a way that construed her face because she's shy. Maybe her skirt is way longer than the other girls. Maybe she wears sizes too big too hide her breasts because she's embarassed how huge they are but it just makes her look frumpy (thus why she's not appealing at first glance anyway. I say she has a regal and ethereal aura to her because that the appeal of Hinata as a character herself and you've taken that away by having her sit in the back, by having her be so unnoticeable yet at the same time all the guys like her, maybe what is appealing about her is that she still holds her regal aura despite being picked on. Maybe that's why the girls pick on her in addition to attention she gets from guys as in "oh look this girl thinks she's better than all of us"; which would be irrating for other girls, because unlike beauty and fashion, this aura isn't something that can't be bought, Hinata is just naturally graceful and looks every bit like a society princess but her shyness overshadows this. Something like that.
Also, I see that you've written like 6 alternate endings for this story which kind of shows that any of these events leading up to the ending doesn't matter, that the trials and tribulations Sasuhina (or any of the other couples) have gone through throughout her course of this story don't hold significant meaning because the ending is a "pick what you like". Like emotions and bonding Hinata went through in the story don't matter. As a writer, it's very easy to go one route and have many paths open up for you regarding story direction. But it is your job as a writer to CHOOSE the best direction for the story, by having all these alternate endings, it seems like a copout and that you had no real direction for the story. As a reader, it feels so unsatisfying.
I know you're writing this on your own time and again I think it's great you've finished the story where most writers on this site have not, but I feel like you could've done this premise much better justice. Right now, it honestly feels like any girl could insert themselves as Hinata and daydream that she has 10 guys drooling after her. But you know, Stephanie Meyers wrong Twilight intending for that and she's a very rich lady right now, so what do I know? I mean, the books were NOT the best written, not by a long shot, but she's been published and read around the world.
My advice is to do a bit more background research on your topic. They say to write what you know. If you research a bit more on Japanese social culture and school life it would help. Also, I avise you to use spellcheck or to find a beta; someone to profread your ep story before you publish. As I've said, there are a lot of incorrect word usage and spelling mistakes that are easy rectified. Also, finding a beta may help you bounce ideas better (so they can reign you in when the story gets too crazy, like having all the guys falling for the main character) and also they can point out continuity errors. I think that it would be beneficial for you to grow as a writer, especially if you write your own novel someday.
Also, as I've said being, you should rely too heavily on dialogue for exposition. Try to write a few descriptive paragraphs from the charcters head. I've seen so many beautifully written fics that should be novels themselves that were written like this. Try to understand the charcters motivation of their actions rather than "I'm mean because he likes her and not me. I'm pretty and she's not. Why doesn't he notice me? He's mine, he should only be paying attention to me." Perhaps it could be more like the character is insecure, flawed and losing their other half (significant other) seems like losing a piece of themselves, needing validation from that other half because otherwise they feel worthless as a person. This makes the character seem more dimensional and helps the readers relate to them better. A lot of villains that aren't straight-up villains but aren't particularly good guys either always seem to be popular characters in franchises because of their depth. Look at Loki from Disney's Marvel Cinematic Universe. I don't think he was nearly as popular in the comic world before Tom Hiddleston's portrayal of him as a flawed individual with reasons behind his actions that aren't just "I want to be king."
Don't be discouraged by this review, everyone starts somewhere and your writing can only grow from it is all I have to say.
| Guest chapter 6 . 10/15/2015
You said in the fist chapter that they were eight in the flashback and nine years passed, making them 17, which in Japan would have made them year 2 or 3 in High School at least, which is he equivalent to junior/senior here. If they're only freshman, what is Sakura doing driving around in a car? I mean I ignored it earlier, since high schoolers in. Japan don't drive cars and it's most common to walk because in Japan their subway system is more practical than having a car, but now that I know they are 14/15 having a car, it just seems too impractical.
You probably wrote this when you were young or more ignorant of certain things, so I'm sorry if this sounds awful. I know you've already have finished the story and I encourage you to write more. However I think it'd be beneficial to be more description based, don't be afraid to write from one characters POV rather than having exposition in the dialogue, which can lead to clumsy and clunky writing.
I just. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the way that everyone acts around Hinata but I can't. It's not that people don't grow apart, because they do, but I wished that it would've been a slow drift apart rather than the abrupt one here. And then slowly they start getting to know one another again. It's like you're making Hinata out to be the martyr and it comes off as Mary Sue. Especially since everyone seems to like-like her.
And you've conveniently explained away all the parents and made certain relationships familial. It's just odd. The fact that Kakashi and Obito are their age and younger than. Itachi (from what I gather) is also odd.
You kept reiterating how nemo was the ONLY one to protect Hinata at school and as the chapters go by! you keep introducing all these new characters who "have been there the whole time but is only now mentioned" who protect Hinata.
Again I know you wrote this years ago and this story is probably out of your mind, but in future endeavors, I suggest that you outline the storyline before diving head first into it. It would make for a more consistent and enjoyable story.
So far everyone seems a bit two dimensional, which can be easily rectified once you stop focusing too much on the dialogue and more on their interactions and their inner monologue behind said actions. It would also help if they are flawed and recognize their flaws, but this is not imperative.
| Guest chapter 5 . 10/15/2015
You said you didn't want too many guys after Hinata but that's what you kind of did. This is exhausting emotionally. You should focus on the story at hand not all these characters that have popped up all of a sudden loving Hinata and defending her.
| Guest chapter 3 . 10/15/2015
It's an interesting story though you take a LOT of liberties concerning actual human nature and I think you need a beta. Often you use either the incorrect word or have incorrect spelling. But overall, it will be interesting to see how this turns out.
| Animenerd chapter 39 . 9/27/2015
Best fanfic ever. I couldn't stop reading
| Guest chapter 39 . 5/31/2015
Hinata is like a slut in this story. You have her sleeping with everyone.