|Reviews for Pirates of the Caribbean Island of the Undead|
| Clodia chapter 1 . 11/13/2010
It's been so long since I watched the films that I'm mostly going to stick to talking about general stylistic issues here. I like the way Captain Jack bursts onto the scene; that's well handled and I think you've done a good job of catching his distinctive voice. I smiled at the use of the Oldest Joke in the World as well. You've got a few typos ('fogotten') and grammar issues, and I think you tend to overuse exclamation marks, especially in the narrative - it's almost never a good idea to punctuate narration with exclamation marks, partly because it brings the narrator to prominence in a usually unintended and not very helpful way. Your description is quite sparse - it might be worth taking a little more time over e.g. a ship sinking, rather than just stating that it had done so - and your sentences are usually pretty short and choppy, which doesn't flow very well. There's a bit of a tendency (especially in the opening scene) to cram exposition into the dialogue. That's certainly one way around the problem of setting up the plot, but it tends to result in rather forced dialogue. Finally, you don't have to spell everything out - so Mr. N.'s poor memory is clear when he says 'I clean forgot' - you don't need to point out in the narrative as well that he doesn't have a good memory. So there you go, and I hope that's useful! Good luck with the rest of the story.
| piewacket chapter 4 . 4/21/2010
Be forewarned, I’m going to nitpick.
/The smaller boat had two passengers a young woman, Elizabeth Swann and her father./
You need a comma after Swann.
/'This is the Black pearl, the vessel of my good friend Captain Jack of you have had the pleasure of his acquaintance!'/
Pearl should be capitalized.
The sentence is stilted. Elizabeth is actually pretty plain spoken.
of you have had- should be whom you have had
Why the exclamation point?
/slim dark-haired 5ft 10 ins with/
You should write out five foot, ten inches. But why be so specific? Why not just say- average height?
/'Oi, you two,' called he at the pair./
Caled he—arcane phrasing. You can do that and in a way it fits the story, but you have to be consistent.
/'Yes, we are!' said he tiredly./
Again, why the exclamation point? If he’s tired, he’d be unlikely to deliver the sentence with the fervor implied by an exclamation point.
It’s Pintel, not Pintal.
You also have a habit of randomly capitalizing words that don’t need to be capitalized. For example, grog does not need to be capitalized.
Ham- I’d suggest a beta. Instead of going line by line, I’m going to hit the trends that I see.
I think your use of exclamation points may be your way of trying to avoid the boring he-said, she said routine. A way to avoid this is to have the dialogue and ten follow with an action. Instead of:“'Yes, we are!' said he tiredly.” try something like: ‘Yes, we are.’ Weatherby’s answer was short, almost curt. He was anxious and tired and did not feel like answering the young lad’s questions.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
You add in random commentary from the narrator such as, “This was 1709!” In an odd way, it works: a sort of ironic commentary from the omniscient being. But again, you overuse exclamation points. And you might want to italicize these commentaries.
I am a bit confused. Is Norrington dead when he is interacting with Beckett? Does Beckett know?
/did land here and make some type of fool-hardy promise to these people. Not one that I had the slightest intention to keep naturally./
Was this promise before or after DMC? If before, it is out completely out of character for him. If after, he might have done something so dishonest.
Ham- you have talent for creating an interesting tale. That’s why I’ve spent so much time on this review. Flaws are easily fixed with a beta. The ability to tell an interesting story is innate. You have the raw material, you just need to shine it up a bit. :)
| Xajemm-Eater-of-GummyBears chapter 1 . 3/13/2010
There's something a bit odd about the first line, from "It was evening... early eighteenth century." maybe it needs to be rephrased.
The first paragraph has too many new sentences when a comma or rearrangement of the words would work, e.g. instead of "A smaller boat had just moored alongside it. The smaller boat had two passengers..." you could maybe have said "A smaller boat had moored alongside it, on the boat were two passengers, a young woman..." (this could probably be rewritten better by a more talented author than me but I hope you get the point).
There are a few sentances that don't seem to make much sense, such as "'This is the Black Pearl, the vessel of my good friend Captain Jack of you have had the pleasure of his acquaintance!" I'm sure that these are just typos and that you would have changed them if you'd noticed but I thought I would point it out.
There is one bit where Beckett is describing the attack in Barbados that seems a little bit like one of those "and thenshe killed me, honest!" stories that children tell which doesn't help with the atmosphere in the rest of the conversation.
I realise that I sound very critical but there are some good points! I think that you managed to portray the different people's character very well, Jack acts like Jack, Beckett like Beckett etc. which I always find difficult, so good for you! I also find the plot quite interesting and I definately want to read more.
Hope this helped!
| Araloth the Random chapter 1 . 2/8/2010
I’ve only read one chapter so far but this is quite good! Your characters are definitely in-character—so much so that I could nearly hear their voices speaking as I read. Especially Beckett. :)
A few spelling/grammar things:
'Old times; sake’ should be: “Old times’ sake.”
'Nice to see that the fleet has made it here with minimum fuss.’ Love that sentence but it should be: “Nice to see that the fleet has made it here with *minimal* fuss.”
‘Trinadad’ bit of a typo there, should be ‘Trinidad’.
That cliffie was evil! Now I really want to read more. D