|Reviews for Happily ever after|
| tuxjim chapter 1 . 9/24/2012
I'd like to add the story and you to my list(s), but I can't get past the fact that I 'tripped' over 4 typos/poor uses of English in the first 3 paragraphs.
Rather than a poor review, I would suggest you get a copy of Microsoft Office and USE both the SpellCheck and GrammarCheck functions on it. I tried to call up your profile, but my local network wouldn't connect me with that part of the website, so I couldn't find out where you live; I would suspect, though, that English is NOT your native language. Thus, the suggestion about the program as an aid. Also, it might help if you could find someone to do Beta reads for you that could handle the task AND wouldn't make it sound like the criticisms were NOT just being picky.
The story was good, but maybe you should consider taking it another chapter or two. Either that, or write a sequel (follow-up) story, one that could take them through some of the loops and spins that a relationship between two people (girl/girl, man/girl or even man/man, for that matter) goes through.
You seem to have a facility with telling a story, it's just that some of the mechanics of language seem to be giving you a bit of trouble. Keep practicing; NObody ever made it in front of a concert audience on just their sheer talent alone.
Ja ne for now.
| Polerbair chapter 1 . 9/21/2012
Not bad at all. Definitely captures the characters personalities well.
But I do have to agree with some of the other posts suggesting a beta reader or at the very least proof read.
| temafan4695 chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Great job! Thanks for posting! I agree with you on the anime and manga haha
| Ayumi Yoshida chapter 1 . 6/23/2011
I noticed some grammar errors, but putting that aside, the plot was good. Don't mind with the grammar errors too much, I also have some grammar errors myself.
| RebeccasanFujiEijiLVR chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
this is nice and the anime is good, and Fumi and Akira are too good together
| thatnekochick chapter 1 . 3/9/2010
aw cute~! Makes me want to write something lol
| EsotericWhim chapter 1 . 10/2/2009
Sorry, but you really need a beta reader, because this was full of grammatical mistakes and spelling errors.
I couldn't actually get through the story because of the issues with the formatting and style.
I understand that you are from Denmark, and that English may not be your first language, but getting the help of someone who is a native English speaker to check it before you post is really important.
A lot of people, myself included, read the first couple of lines in a story and then close down because it's not easy to read or enjoy.
Now, this is not a flame, as much as it may seem like it. Because I noticed that you got plenty of empty reviews that didn't even touch on these rather glaring issues, I had to comment.
I can't comment on characterisation because the errors were slapping me in the face and I couldn't focus or read on.
Get a beta reader first and then give it another shot. It will turn out much better.
| Kiss Of Dawn chapter 1 . 9/22/2009
ooh. it was so cute! I loved it! It would probably work as a oneshot but it woul be good if you wrote more. **Faves** My only word of advice is work on your spelling and basic grammar, other than that a perfect story :]
| just sorry chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
I haven't review in years. You're the first in a while that I actually got off my lazy-butt and review. It's also because it's an Aoi Hana story. I just love how you continue on with the plot. My fav. part is (of course) Fumi finally kissing Akira. I hope both the manga and anime follow in your step. I'll be a happy fangirl- I'm spired enough to maybe write my own Aoi Hana fanfic...maybe. You see, I tend to go into detail and my one chapter story would end up super LONG. I need to stop doing that. Back to the topic, there's one or two errors here and there, but you know what? The overall ROCKZ;O! Kudos to FUMIxAKIRA and kudos to YOU;D !
| WolfDragonGod chapter 1 . 9/17/2009
sweet story much better then mine.
| Sheldor chapter 1 . 9/17/2009
Thank you so much for writing this fic! You're right, there needs to be more than two Aoi Hana fics to pick from. This was a nice little filler whilst waiting for the next chapter of the manga. The fic itself had a few spelling errors but that wasn't too noteworthy. It was sweet and simple just like the manga. Please write more in this category!
| Kuma Kuma chapter 1 . 9/16/2009
That was a very sweet one-shot. Thank you so much for giving us a little FumixAkira loving.
| Lilyvess chapter 1 . 9/14/2009
First off i must give out great helpings of gratitude for the writting of a Aoi Hana fanfiction story. As an avid reader of the manga, and then a passionate watcher of the Anime i hold this series very close to me.
your fanfiction's story was basic and short for my taste, though it goes through all the notes it needs to hit on. from the introduction of the characters, the catching of backstory, to the actual progress and conclusion, your story moves smoothly and with few bumps along the way.
The major problem comes to the grammer errors in the story. the first and most easily noticable one was the misspelling of the word 'While' which you spelled 'Wile'. My spelling is poor too so i can understand the rush to write and the ease of a making a simple mistake such as that one, but such mistakes do take the reader out of the story
The more problematic error comes from the continuous run on sentences used. I may be wrong, but nearly every Paraphraph was one sentence exactly, seperated only by commas. Commas happen to be one of my favorite tools in writting but too many and you find yourself having trouble following the actions.
An example of the problem in your story is here:
"She sent a silent thank you to Fumi who had given her the courage she needed, strange how it for once was Fumi that had been there for her instead of the other way around as it always had seemed to be, it felt strangely nice actually to have Fumi look out for her."
The sentence diverges and runs off with the thought as it continues on without end. Instead it would be more appropriate to seperate it to three sentences:
"She sent a silent thank you to Fumi, who had given her the courage she needed. Strange how it was Fumi, for once, that had been there for her instead of the other way around as it always seemed to be. Still, it felt strangely nice to have Fumi look out for her."
An easy way to know when to split a sentence is to seperate them into individual thoughts.
I do apologize if i come off condencending or if i am being unfairly critical to a more casual work (which i get a lot sadly enough), but believe me when i say that i do mena well. Your script writting showed a lot of promise, and with a better handle over sentence structure i believe you can write some good fanfictions.
| killerduran chapter 1 . 9/14/2009
salut ton histoire est super, et je suis d'accord avec toi l'anime est trop cours a quant la saison 2