|Reviews for Distant Hills|
| Anon chapter 9 . 2h ago
I beat the game less than a week ago & now I just finished reading this... I need more. I absolutely love everything about this, from the dramatic irony to the language barrier. Please, oh pretty please update.
| aloof-kokiri chapter 9 . 11/8/2013
Please please continue this! The amount of character depth, emotion, and realism out into this is astounding. I throughly enjoyed this.
Poor Ico. I just want to hug him. I know how it feels to be hated for being different and the inferiority complex it creates. I hope Yorda can learn his language soon. That way they could express themselves better and understand where the other is coming from.
This really is amazing. You can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into this. Please don't let this story die. I would love to know what happens next!
| Wandering Soul chapter 9 . 8/17/2013
Wait.. Did you end this fic? This was so good! PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE. I really liked this. Even though its 2013 now, you should continue it. If I could rate it from 1 to 10, it'd be ten. Great job, please continue.
| Fenix Dmitri chapter 8 . 6/13/2013
Great work with the story, dont quit on this piece of art. To think it's a year already
| Aronim chapter 9 . 12/13/2012
This is very impressive and a great read. The setting really comes to life with all the small expressions that show that we are in a different world (the references to colossi and Dormin are great for that) and you really write a good, broken Ico. Despite the sparse dialogue, which is very fitting, this story manages to keep my interest purely on the descriptions and thoughts, which is rare and a sign of a competent write.
I try to avoid reading the translations for Yorda's lines, because I think it makes for a better story with me in the dark like Ico, but that might just be me.
You do make a lot of mistakes though. Your use of parenthesis' is unnecessary if you ask me, most of them could fit in fine in the flow of the text if you just worked at it a bit. Personally, very few stories work with parenthesis', and I don't think they fit your style, so I recommend writing around them instead.
You sometimes change tense, from past to present, without any reason and that jars me out of the story. You do that both when you describe something that might happen and also sometimes when you describe people. Generally I can say that there is no place in this story, except for the places where you use italics, where I think you should use present tense. Just keep strictly to past tense and the story will be more fluid and, frankly, more correct.
Twice you compare Ico to a "rapid dog". It's "rabid" when you mean sick with the disease that makes animals odd and aggressive.
Also, several times it seems like you've begun to write a sentence one way, and then changed your mind but forgotten to remove all of the old sentence, so you have an odd mix of the original and the new. You should avoid that.
Specific things in this chapter:
"At first, he had been hesitant. He had seen their weapons and their aggressive stances upon their first meeting, but, a part of him, simply could not accept it." I think the last comma is unnecessary.
"would be enough to chip away even the most closed-minded of men." Odd wording, I think it should be either "chip away at the convictions of even..." or "shake the convictions of even..." The way you have worded it it sounds like it will chip away at the men's physical bodies and not their preconceptions.
"But what she said next dropped him into a whole 'nother conundrum all together." I don't think the " 'nother" fits your style, it's slang and most of your narrative is more formal, elegant writing. I'd go with "a whole other conundrum all together."
"Now it was Claudine Shadeheart's, the First of the Salazim Spearsouls, to be thrown off guard by a mere boy." You missed a "turn" somewhere there. Or you could reword it to the, slightly more elegant if you ask me: "Now it was Claudine Shadeheart, the First of the Salazim Spearsouls, who was thrown off guard by a mere boy."
"He saw her crack a smile and speak up, (just as, by his side, Yorda piped, "Elinm tuean elliacon?")" The parenthesis is completely unnecessary here, if you ask me.
"which, of course, made Claudine's grin all the larger." I'd go with "wider" but that might just be me.
"and the idea of the looming threat poised by the elderly woman, whose shadow, though she had just now gone over the bend and was out of sight, still haunted him dissuaded anything of such playful mirth. " Long, unwieldy sentence. I recommend something like: ... and any such playful mirth was further dissuaded by the idea of the looming threat posed by the elderly woman, whose shadow still haunted him even though she had just now gone over the bend and out of sight." Also, its "posed", not "poised".
"leaving a slightly confused Claudine in his wake to peer (a third stare, all he needed was for Maura to do it and then he'd have his fill!) at the back of his head." I'd just move the words in the parenthesis to after "head." and remove the ( ).
"Before the boy with young formerly horned boy could take even a handful of steps, there was a pressure against his arm"
This is an example of what you do several times in this story. It seems like you've begun to write a sentence one way, and then changed your mind but forgotten to remove all of the old sentence, so you have an odd mix of the original and the new. You should avoid that and in this case, use either "...the boy with horns/stubs could..." or "the young, formerly horned boy..."
I'd also advice calling it "there was a tug on his arm" or something like that, the "pressure" doesn't quite work if you ask me.
"Then again, she had seen the jugs as well, when she had seen the people (then again, she had been a bit thrown off when she had seen the people themselves)" Too repetitive with the two "then again" and kind of clumsy. I recommend:
"Then again, she had seen the jugs as well, when she had seen the people, but she had also been a bit thrown off when..."
"Just what I need now, to be self conscious." I think a hyphen would be good, so you get "self-conscious" but it might just be me.
"(though, unbeknownst to Ico, all four, yes, four, women thought the same of him)" This seems out of place and unnecessary. Throughout this entire story, it seems that you have written only from Ico's perspective, so this shouldn't be revealed, as then we suddenly have an omniscient narrator. I'd remove that sentence entirely.
"As always her words held pure authority, " It seems a bit soon for Ico to think "always" about any of these women. I'd go with "like all the times she'd previously spoken, her words now held pure authority." Or something like that.
" This the Mother directed to a girl but a couple years younger than Ico," I'd use "only" instead of "but" as you've already used about the previous girl. It gets repetitive if you only use "but" for this kind of sentence.
" while, in contrast, the other girl leisurely made her way to the jars, (which, by the spares, there was a neat stack of nearly twenty or so spears, Ico noticed) lugged them on both shoulders, and then approached him. " Really clumsy parenthesis. Please get rid of it and clear up the sentence, it's a little hard to understand. Something like "...to the jars gathered next to twenty or so spears. She lugged two jars on her shoulders and approached him." It's not perfect, but it clears it up a bit.
"letting her know that she understood correctly, while Ulias strapped on Yorda's new footwear, which stole Yorda's attention (with her wiggling her toes and feet over the water's edge) for the remainder of time Ico filled up the second jar."
I'd reword it slightly, maybe to:
"...correctly. Ulias strapped on Yorda's new footwear and Yorda lifted her feet out over the waters edge, her attention remaining on her the toes she was wiggling out over the waters edge while Ico filled up the second jar."
"two loaves of bread, with slices of cheese wrapped around it" There are two loaves with cheese, it should be "around them"
"And, she acted in the way to be suspected." I'd say "expected" and maybe reword it to "she acted in the way Ico had expected."
"For the second time in a short amount of minutes, Yorda interrupted him, be it out of understanding his meaning or at least understanding that what he was stating were excuses, she nevertheless responded firmly," I'd go with:
"For the second time in only a few minutes, Yorda interrupted him. Whether it was because she understood his meaning or at least understood that he was only making excuses, she nevertheless responded fimly,"
"It turned out that when Klarshaw the Mother of the Salazim Spearsouls sets a pace, she sets it strictly and in marching order, " Here is one of the "changing tense" things that I think is wrong. I'd go with:
"It turned out that when Klarshaw, the Mother of the Salazim Spearsouls, set a pace, she set it strictly and in marching order,"
"Wind blew by them, swirling up sand and dust and a wheelbarrow or two" That sentence gave me a really weird mental image. I'm pretty sure you mean "tumbleweed" and not "wheelbarrow". Wheelbarrow is the kind of thing you move heavy things with, you know, the three-wheeled ones.
"being far use to being out in the sunlight." It should at least be "used" with a d, and I'd go with:
"being long used to being..."
"his attention was neither on them nor on their surrounds, but on his young female companion." It should be "surroundings".
" his old Lorendo shawl, cling to her skull and so effecting her white gown that, on their first rest stop, while Ico unstrapped the jar on his back, Maura came up to her and flung a cloak about her shoulders for modesty sake. (Though, she needn't have bothered, Ico had already been careful to keep his eyes honed either on the ground in front of him or on her face to check how Yorda was faring.) " The parenthesis is unnecessary, just have the full stop.
"Yorda refused to let him carrying the jar in his stead," It should be "refused to let him carry the jar in her stead". Emphasis on "carry" and "her".
"From then to the next rest stop, nothing truly notable happened, save weight, heat and exhaustion constantly plaguing him."
Those are not remarkable events, just unpleasant things. I'd go with:
"From then on to the next stop, nothing remarkable happened. There was just the weight, heat and exhaustion that constantly plagued him."
"Once more Ico marveled at the fitness of the women, no, the warriors, for, even he was feeling it by then, in that second hour." The two last commas are unnecessary if you ask me.
"that the desert might have more dangers to them than what meet the naked eye." It should be "met".
"she use to rule the Tulith forest we just left by the way" It ought to be "used".
"Yorda had been comparing Ico's handiwork to her own, but had otherwise drowned out all the multiple conversations around her." If she drowns out something, it means she makes more noise so the conversations can't be heard. I recommend something like "...otherwise paid the conversations around her no heed."
"where Klarshaw stood bent over a
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 9 . 11/22/2012
Wow. This is really fascinating! I really am impressed with how much work you put into this. I really hope you intend to continue this story! Will the next chapter up soon?
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 8 . 11/22/2012
Talk about a flashpoint. I half-wondered if Yorda was going to,I'll that woman... Not that I would have minded...
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 7 . 11/22/2012
Well this is certainly interesting. I'm also quite fascinated with Yorda's history. Look forward to more!
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 4 . 11/22/2012
I really am curious about this language. Did you make this language up or did you find it somewhere?
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 3 . 11/21/2012
I am really loving this story! I really love the way you invent Yorda's language. It seems very plausible. One of the things that really bugs me is Ico's anger issues. Don't get me wrong though, it makes for a believable character. It is certainly to be expected that he would have some anger issues after all he's been through, it just unnerves me the way that sometimes Yorda gets fallout from that sometimes.
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 2 . 11/21/2012
Whew! That was an emotional roller coaster. It's hard to read, but I really am impressed with how much emotion and detail you put into this chapter. I'm really loving this story!
| Patriot-of-USA chapter 1 . 11/20/2012
Wow... Want a start! This really exciting to read, and I love the deep mood you've built into it! I can't wait for more!
| Specter Von Baren chapter 9 . 10/17/2012
And here I am at the last chapter. Although I do not expect it with it having been so long since the last update, I would greatly enjoy seeing you continue this story.
| Specter Von Baren chapter 3 . 10/15/2012
This is a very good story from what I've seen so far. You employ the aspect of Ico and Yorda's language barrier very well and I like how you recognize and employ their unusual upbringings into their thought processes. It is very good to see a story like this in the Ico section and I thank you for writing this.
| Aishata chapter 9 . 4/10/2012
Read the rest of it, it was a good story. It was rather slow paced until the seventh chapter, but the pace was quite nice afterwards.