|Reviews for Curse of Immortality|
| Martin III chapter 1 . 9/27/2009
Well, dang. It looks like Demonic Weasel has an entirely different take on this than I got. I thought this story was meant to be funny - hence Peter's angsty characterization, Chester's immature remarks, Bowie's blasé attitude, and most especially the rather mild nature of the "curse of immortality". Obviously one of us totally missed the boat, and I figure odds there's at least a 20% chance that it's me.
Anyway, going by my take, this is a pretty darn amusing fic. I really thought the narrator was Lemon up until the end. A good amusing twist, and Bowie's attitude made me chuckle as well, especially his reaction to Peter's fall in battle. Naturally, the core of the humor here is that the big immortal's angst is simply that no one worries about you dying.
I do have to second Demonic's comment on your punctuation of dialogue, though. Another problem I noted is: "It hardly seemed just as he clearly had no choice in the matter." The lack of a comma between "just" and "as" really makes the reader trip over that sentence.
All in all, a unique, witty, and enjoyable comedic quickie. At least... that's what I hope it was meant as... (nervously glances at Demonic's review again)
| Demonic Weasel chapter 1 . 9/26/2009
Honestly, I don't like this one quite as much as your other fic. Your characterazation of Peter is certainly different; I would say that the angst doesn't work if it weren't for the fact that you're consistent with it and you keep the fic going just long enough for it to start really feeling like it's just a basic part of his life.
Your writing of the incidental other characters is a bit weaker this time around. Sarah's alright, if only because she takes things so lightly that she seems rather underwhelmed. Chester is supposed to be immature, I know, but he seems a little too much so. You approach caricature more than character with him. Bowie also seems a bit blase about everything; Peter, the battle, Sir Astral, himself... it's odd. It might work in a longer space but here it just feels odd.
Finally, there are some grammatical flaws that you have in this.
"If he were to pick the one thins he hated about the entire being in the Shining Force he would have to say it would be the silence." This one is technically wrong, but the wording is unecessarily lengthy and awkward. The repeated would, is unecessary in particular. I would reprhase that, to sound a bit more natural. It jars with the rest of your writing style which is not overblown.
"I didn't ask to be this way." He thinks...' I know I mentioned this on your last fic, but your way of punctuating dialogue is incorrect. Since Peter's 'He thinks' follows from the sentence, it should be written, "I didn't ask to be this way," he thinks...'
'Normally people squad off in teams of 3...' 3 should be written out. Gramatically speaking, all numbers up through twenty-one should be written out in and after that, whatever you prefer. Admittedly, that's still mostly a stylistic choice, but it bears mentioning.
I'm sorry to linger on the negatives, but there's less characterazation to linger on here, which seems to be your strenght, I might add. I'm still happy to see another decent quickie, but on the whole, I think it could use some improvement. So, don't take my words as an excuse to stop writing, because that would counter my purpose in this review.