|Reviews for Mello falls for her, love story|
| Reaperdeath chapter 9 . 3/15/2013
Aw...til the part he joins the mafia and overprotective of his sweet little Mid...
| kishinfreak225 chapter 9 . 12/11/2012
Must update moooorrrrrreeee pweez
| RUFF OO chapter 1 . 9/22/2011
Awsh ! :3
| Caitlyn Baker chapter 8 . 12/12/2010
3 words... this is more plzplzplzplzplzplz ppplllzzz
| Dae Keehl chapter 8 . 5/24/2010
More! This is brilliant, I can't keep my eyes off of it!
| Amaya-Ai chapter 6 . 1/7/2010
That took quite a while. Hurry it up plox!
Other than that, I loved the part where he was fighting with that guy in the store. Lol. I laughed my face off.
See ya next chapter!
(Which will be soon I hope!)
| teB360 chapter 6 . 1/6/2010
haha! Mello is such a trouble maker!
| Catharina M chapter 5 . 12/22/2009
Aww! That's so sweet! 8D Can't wait for the next chapter! :D Update soon please.
| teB360 chapter 5 . 11/30/2009
| teB360 chapter 4 . 11/28/2009
:S is there going to be another chapter?
| Yuki Dark chapter 3 . 10/20/2009
wow this story is cute!
I don't think Mello was too OOC because wouldn't every guy who in love do that to a girl, am i right?(probaly wrong but i don't know lol)
well update soon!
| Fluffy Sheep chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
This story still makes me smile when I read it.
Although I am said "best friend" that truly, honestly, isn't the reason I love this. I think I love how much it makes me laugh and smile like an idiot while I read it. I wish humor came as naturally to me as it does to you!
Also, its kind of impossible to be at an orphanage without having somewhat of a troubled past. So, that shouldn't be counted as a Mary-Sue trait, since its basically unavoidable most of the time.
I didn't think Mello was too OOC myself, honestly. Because, if he really liked someone, that is probably how he would act.
But I'm not here to argue, just to say that I honestly liked your story a lot, not just because you wrote it for me. XD
| critiquereader07 chapter 3 . 9/28/2009
Wow. Okay so, there are some stories that are good, yet dull. Then there are others that can capture a reader. This story definitely captured my attention and I loved all three chapters of it, however I didn't understand who Wammy was? Your personality shows through in your writing. I think you should continue writing both this story and other stories; I can't wait to see what you write next! :)
This is basically just some ideas/suggestions editing-wise. If it's stupid, I don't mind it, haha.
Also to her complete surprise, he suddenly picked her up, bridal style, and started to carry her to the nurses office, - Nurse's or nurses' instead of nurses maybe?
She blushed and looked down, in hopes of seeing something interesting, like a bug...or a rock... or nothing at all, since there was nothing down there . - There is a space between the last word and the period.
The nurse came out then, and seen Mids nose. - I don't think the comma is needed after then :) lol
where it came to shocking stop in the face of..oh, God, it hit her in the face. - You should try adding three dots and a space before oh, :)
Surely he could see Mid now. - Try a comma after Surely?
He realised that he loved this girl. - realised is spelt realized lol :P
She seen them watching her, curiosity in their eyes. - You should try she saw instead of she seen, seen is past tense.
Again, this was really good! I hope you realize how great of a writer you are! :)
| Coryx chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
Oh look, I'm the first reviewer. Joy.
Okay. Many points.
First of all, if your best friend loves it, that counts for practically nothing on the quality scale. Your best friend is your best friend, she practically has to like it.
Second: Mello is completely OOC. The conversation would go more like this:
"Shit, are you okay?"
"Right then." -goes back to playing-
Although, I've learned to expect the response to criticism of OOC-ness. "Well, it HAS to be like that, otherwise there's no story!" Which is a good point, but OOC-ness is still bad.
Kudos for your grammar, though-that's one thing I wasn't expecting. Stories like this almost always have atrocious grammar/spelling on top of everything else. The only thing I can criticize is your overuse of ellipses(...'s).
Third: Most people reading Death Note fanfiction will know what Wammy's House is. You don't need to explain it. The sentence "Which was basically an orphanage for gifted children" can go straight out the window; you don't need it.
Fourth: Going back to the OOC-ness, the only reason I can think of for Mello's behavior is that he's been watching her and he likes her, too, but he's not telling her for some reason. This needs to be made clearer, or it's just OOC-ness. Might I suggest starting off with a brief bit from Mello's POV?
Fifth, Mid's Sue-ish. You don't immediately start off with a description, which is minus Sue-points, but she's definitely a behavioral Sue, "Tortured Past"-type. Not to mention, she's *stupid*. I know she's in Wammy's House, but anyone with half a brain would be at least *starting* to think, "Maybe he does like me?" And it's definitely not "He obviously doesn't like me". He just *carried* you to the *nurse's office* for a *broken nose*, and is now forcing you to sit on his lap! (Actually, I'd be unnerved by that, but I've always been a bit antisocial.)
Sixth, Matt is also OOC. He's not that much of a jerk; if anything, he's nicer than Mello. Nor is he whiny. Actually, I could see him acting like that (Minus the whininess), but the phrasing is just a bit off, and the way you describe it makes him seem like a total jerk, which is plus Sue-points for Mid-subconscious (or conscious) defense of the OC.