Reviews for The Hyuuga Man
Lainana chapter 7 . 3/27/2015
I'd gently fist you.
Lord Ezra'eil chapter 7 . 3/26/2015
Not enough drama. 4/10
Zeitgeist84 chapter 7 . 3/26/2015
Solvdrage chapter 7 . 3/26/2015
Well, that was unexpected.

And will the KEIKAKU make an appearance?
TsundereCapricorn chapter 2 . 8/9/2012
I now have the song "Like a Boss" stuck in my head.
Zeitgeist84 chapter 6 . 7/3/2012
You must update, good sire.
Dreaming-is-for-fools chapter 5 . 11/23/2011
I have to say that this short chapter is by far my favorite.. It even pulled on some forgotten heartstrings :)
Zexs chapter 6 . 6/29/2011
Someone needs to remix the "Its Gendo" song for Hiashi.
Zexs chapter 1 . 6/29/2011
He must love Naruto everything has to be overdramatic with him
Pelagius chapter 6 . 4/28/2011
Hiashi is now my hero. I'm gunna need some white contacts kick ass robes hair dye and dramatic lessons.
Dolseal chapter 6 . 4/3/2011
That was such a funny & great story! Please update :)
Solvdrage chapter 6 . 3/5/2011
*finishes jotting down notes on how to be DRAMATIC like Hiashi*

I am fully convinced Hiashi needs someone to follow him around at all times to ensure that he has a sufficiently dramatic theme song available to be utilized at the proper moment.
SimplyUnsolvedMystery chapter 6 . 3/2/2011
Hiya Ageant,

Sorry it took so long, but here's your critique.

Chapter 1:

Rarely do I read parodies because they usually just go off the deep end and get cheesy and boring awfully fast, but you managed to write a good, funny parody that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Hiashi can be a difficult character to write because of the character pitfall of making him an evil man that hates his daughter. You did that to a point, but you've somehow manage to twist his distaste for Hinata into something humorous, something that doesn't fall into the everyday normal 'Hiashi mold'. It's refreshing to see that.

I have to say, Hiashi's love for the 'dramatic and fashionable' made my day. It totally explains why him and Neji keep their hair long, it gives more flair to their dramatics.

Chapter 2:

I love the way you describe the actions in this chapter. You tell us everything Hiashi is doing, but it's not bombarding us with words. You use as little words as possible to get the big point across.

Chapter 3:

The tone of the opening paragraph is my favorite part of this chapter. You have a really good narrative 'voice' here.

This chapter didn't come off as clearly as the other ones did, but that might be because it held a slightly darker tone. The skull was a confusing addition. I couldn't decide whether it was representing Hizashi's skull or if it had some strange Hamlet theme.

Ahh, poor Hinata, she just can't catch a break here. I like how Hinata's used as comic relief here. The scene could have gotten seriously emotional if that was the same letter he gave Neji during the Chunin Exams. It was almost teasing, to both the reader and Neji.

Chapter 4:

Gai's introduction was priceless here and I almost feel bad for him having to sit through a semi-hyped up Neji giving a speech on fate, with a crazy Hiashi looking on.

Chapter 5:

I liked the change from chapter 4 to chapter 5. It showed that you could write somber scenes fairly well without having to resort to Hinata being used as a punching bad. The only thing is that this chapter kind of throws off the flow of the other chapters. The other chapters have touches of humor in them, while this one is actually more hopeful than humorous.

It wasn't a bad chapter, but it didn't quite seem to fit here.

Chapter 6:

I really liked this chapter and I think it was because of Chouji and Dracula. Chouji just worked well as 'food' and you kept Dracula in character, right down to the old English words. I was highly impressed that you went that far to make him true to his time.


I don't have very many mistakes to point out, but there were a few glaring mistakes.

You seem to have a problem with commas. Chapter one is just missing commas everywhere.

Example: He was complimented of course that she chose to emulate him to the point of wanting to be a boy...

Correct: He was complimented, of course, that she chose to emulate him to the point of wanting to be a boy...

The rule of thumb for comma placing if to say the sentence aloud and whenever their is a natural pause, there should be a comma.

Also, from the above segment. I'm not sure 'complimented' is the correct word you were looking for, it makes the sentence read awkwardly. I think 'flattered' would have been a better word choice.

Writing Techniques:

I loved how you were able to keep Hiashi and Neji 'in-character' by going to the extremes of their character. Even Hinata was 'in-character' from Hiashi's point of view. He thought of her as worthless and that belief comes across well to the reader from both Hiashi's words and Hinata's actions.


Hiashi- I loved his personality. He still maintained that 'holier than thou' attitude while having a little bit of flair. You did really well on writing his character and still keeping it funny.

Neji- Neji was also well written, the only thing that really set badly with me was him crying. I would say it's totally out of character, but it also adds a little bit of theatrical element to it, which goes back to the 'dramatics' Hiashi talked about possessing in the first chapter.


Overall, I found your story very humorous and enjoyable to read. It was refreshing to read a parody that was actually intelligible and didn't bash characters to the point of no return. Even Hinata's bashing here had some substance.

The only major problem I had with reading this is that I'm just not sure if this is a collection of one-shots or if I'm supposed to be able to read it chapter by chapter like a story. They read more like a oneshot series, but it seemed like they flowed well as a complete story about snapshots of Hiashi's life.

Good luck with the story,

'Rayne of Critics United
Beloved Daughter chapter 6 . 3/2/2011
Poor Chouji! That's really random and hysterical, as is Hiashi's remark about it!
Cardrhus chapter 6 . 3/1/2011
I'm gonna say that this didn't give me a boner, but I'm gonna say that this did give me a boner.

It was so beautiful, so magnificently described, I could just taste it.

You rock, you mighty whale man. You rock us all.
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