|Reviews for Unforgiving|
| HadoFoxGodAsashi chapter 1 . 9/25
You're still a Kishimoto loving idiot.
| Criticalreviewer chapter 15 . 6/29
Im too lazy to login here my user my_anime_freedom
Or something like that. all the harsh hatred is justified from the characters perspective and stuff like that and I like that, but the way you portray the hatred in words is kind of ... cringy at best. I know it is difficult to portray those things in this type of story, but I'll just get to how you can improve. You do a lot of telling and not showing in my opinion. In the story when the Sandaime beats narutos mother, you explain his reaction. He replies something like "she was probably disrespecting the leader and he put her in her place and I don't care for her." Add some character emotion into it. Show the audience what baritone thinks of the event. You can do simple things like showing the audience the characters posture change, reflexes, or even involuntary reactions like snorting, laughing, or freezing up. For example to show that naruto doesn't care about what happened to his mom, you can write the following after konohamaru tells him about what happened: "Naruto rolled his eyes while dipping his chopsticks into his bowl taking a slurp of his meal before turning back to konohomaru. "She was probably disrespecting the hokage so he probably put her into her place."
I see you doing this in a lot of places already but I think they're missing when naruto is doing his rants or going off on an angry tirade. it seems that you think that the words in the statement would/monologue would be enough, but to me it just comes out as unnatural and forced. Like naruto isn't really serious about what he's saying.
Remember this is critical feedback. I like the story and plot so far, but the error above is taking magic away from the don't need to take my reviews seriously it's just something that bothers me and probably me only(unless you see what I mean). Hope the story gets better, keep writing :D
| HadoFoxGodAsashi chapter 7 . 4/23
Your grammar also sucks, something I've forgotten to add.
| Irritated chapter 7 . 6/12/2016
You write like you have brain damage, and/or the vocabulary of a 7 year old. Your grammar is fucking atrocious, I can't make heads or tales of half of what is written. I barly understand the characters, or what it is I am actually reading. Is it truly that difficult to proof read? Granted a Beta reader is difficult to acquire however simply reading your own work can expose many mistakes. Think of that next time instead of just rattling off something and posting. Finally this is just something I tack onto every review. The bunch of kiss-ass idiots who say this is the best fanfiction are lying. And to those idiots who plug up the review section with one word reviews or, as stated above, kiss the writers ass. Two words: FUCK OFF, your not helping a single person if you want to praise the writer PM them.
| rhizz17 chapter 21 . 2/16/2016
| Guest chapter 21 . 1/1/2016
A very good chapter
| TokusatsuLuv chapter 21 . 12/27/2015
This is truly very interesting to read; please update soon
| Kithrin chapter 20 . 11/27/2015
how did gai intecept them last chapter... you said he died at the start of that chapter in fact
| Margoliskid chapter 1 . 8/24/2015
really well done! and I always love reading stories lol and i love the thought of Naruto hating his father for sealing the fox into him! well done
| Guest chapter 3 . 6/8/2015
I love the story great job but spelling and grammar mistakes are making it a chore to read please improve.
| CosmicBeing chapter 7 . 5/18/2015
Still haven't pissed off and died yet eh Kishimoto lover? Tch you will soon enough.
| MythicGR66 chapter 21 . 3/28/2015
oh please update this story.
| Guest chapter 21 . 2/4/2015
| TGARASHI chapter 21 . 12/19/2014
Good Story update soon
| Guest chapter 21 . 11/20/2014