|Reviews for Marathon: Dreaming|
| Zeph3r chapter 1 . 11/15/2012
Really good, loved it.
| ColdGoldLazarus chapter 1 . 3/2/2012
And another great one. I like Leela's sense of embarassment.
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/10/2011
-"According to the laws of physics, time was not the one constant in the universe."
I think this is a tiny bit confusing - only because of the use of 'one,' the sentence assumes that we believe time is the one constant in the universe. I understand what you're trying to say but I think it needs reworking. Maybe the tense is the problem?
-I'm not very scientific, but you said we colonized the solar system, then say we couldn't get beyond earth?
-"So that was the life for the BOB, or "born on board" as he and numerous others were called."
I think this sentence needs to be joined somehow because it sounds like a follow on, an eleboration but the punctuation isn't getting me there.
"Time that ensured..."
Is ensured the right word here?
-Would have appreciated it if Geoffrey would have been named earlier on in the story.
-Shouldn't advances in medicine make it LESS likely to die of natural causes?
-I know there’s not much to do on this ship but…”
This piece of dialogue does not ring true to me, it’s unnatural, like you’re using it to tell the audience something…
-“Geoffrey sighed, doing as Leela said. There was no point arguing with here.”
This is nice, builds and gives insight to both characters and sets up twist on next line.
-“And while the starship’s security security detail was but a fraction of those who weren’t familiar with firearms…”
I don’t understand this sentence to here.
-Leela sounds too human to strike me as being an AI.
-I would have thought Geoffrey’s role would have changed along with the advances in science.
“Geoffrey nodded slowly, surprised to feel genuine sympathy for the computer. He knew what it was like to work with obstinate arseholes…”
This is fine but I think if you swear you really need to justify it, give it more teeth and a sound reason. Perhaps try to show rather than tell here.
-“At first, Leela didn’t answer, causing Geoffrey to fear that she wished…”
“Wished” seems too human a word, too much emotion. I understand that these AI are advanced but I think the language could better illustrate the difference. A simple, Leela didn’t answer, and his human emotional assumptions as to why would be more effective.
-With the ‘Marathon’ being a former moon of Mars, I like how this concept is introduced naturally as back story, rather than just telling us outright as you did at the beginning, perhaps we don’t need this information till now & you can delete it in the earlier section?
“Doubt it” works until you start to overuse it.
-How can Leela SOUND tired?
-“Hey, hang on!” Leela exclaimed. “It’s a secret, ok? You have to promise not to tell anyone!”
This is appropriate if you are consciously trying to make her sound girlish and that is possible for AI.
-“You made my day, so I’ll keep it for you. I guess I owe you that much.”
Can’t just throw this in unless there is a reason-the audience have no back story to indicate that he owes her anything. A moment ago he was bored with life and sort of hating everyone but now he feels he owes her?
-“Alright, thanks,” chucked the AI.
Add in here that he is surprised, but why? Doesn’t he know they can laugh? If not, it’s a big deal.
| Serria 159 chapter 1 . 7/31/2011
That was a great story. I loved the little Halo reference in there too. Any way, keep up the good work.