|Reviews for The Peril Within|
| Kuugen the Fox chapter 5 . 3/12/2010
I read all five chapters in a row, so I didn't feel any of the delay. I have some (severe) problems with the story on a subjective level, but thats hardly a stance one should take to review.
From a objective point: (Skills)
You have a fabulously captivating writing style. The descriptions are very nice and make it easy to visualize the actual scenery. Your choice of words is nice as well. They're varied across the board and don't ever feel repetive. You also seem quite adapt at keeping your cast in character (although my memory is limited, I did not see anything out of the ordinary as far as deviating from the original personality goes)
From a objective point: (Story)
As far as it goes right now, it's a pretty interesting story if you aren't bothered with the same subjective problems I have. The plot seems to be planned a bit in advance, which is a good thing. You did fall for the usual "nobody left alone" problem. While that is nice to see every once in a while, it gets really old and overcomplicates the story if done too much.
Lastly, the subjective part:
While the story is, objectively, good, I just couldn't get myself to enjoy it. While I usually like a nobody-left-alone scenario, I really, REALLY despise children in fiction. Then, the way you setup Ami/Makoto wasn't really innovative or original. They like each other, they think the other one doesn't, the typical obliviousness in fiction I don't like. That the story started with Rei and Minako already together was a surprise, and something I haven't seen often. There are three general scenarios. The one with Makoto / Ami, the one with Rei / Minako and one where the couple gets together quickly, which is the way just between those two. I personally like only the third scenario.
Well, most of these complaints are subjective and my personal taste, so it doesn't really work as critique.
Objective point: Criticque
You should try to standarized your chapter lenghts more. While it isn't unusual to have fluctuations in the lenght, even I have that, it isn't really well advised to change them as brutally as you do. Reading a short chapter and then a very long one usually eats away on the patience too much ( subconscious thing ) which means the reader cannot truly enjoy it.
Another thing is that you change gears too abruptly. Up to chapter 5, there is hardly anything resembling adventure, and then you suddenly bring it in. While that is acceptable once, it should not become a habit. Adventure does not wait for romance to finish up it's business.
Well, thats that.
I am sorry to say though that I won't be able to follow the story beyond this, mostly because of the reason that a large part of the story revolves around a kid. My dislike for kids is just that enormous.
It is a good story, however, and I wish you best of luck.
| Renkhal chapter 6 . 3/10/2010
Aw... Poor Ami, having to deal with the loss of Mercadian twice... :(
| Knoto chapter 6 . 2/25/2010
Ok, 6 chapters blasted through and now I'm in dire need of chappie 7... so with my addiction of fan fiction in admittance I kindly beg of you to PLEASE update!
You've got me hooked on this and i need more!
| Princess Lucky Fire chapter 6 . 2/18/2010
please continue, i love this story. they're finally together, yougata (i'm so glad). i was wondering when they would.
| Rukangel chapter 6 . 2/15/2010
YAY finally they are together! aww that was sweet with mako and ami in the end ah the "calm" after the storm. KEEP IT UP!
| Princess Lucky Fire chapter 5 . 2/9/2010
please continue. i really want to know what happens with mercury's son and with her's and jupiter's relationship. this is an awesome story. i totally love it.
| fan-rei chapter 5 . 2/9/2010
really like this story. i like how you are portraying ami as a mother. i hope you didn't give up just when ami is breaking down.
| 4upiter chapter 5 . 2/8/2010
Wow, Im hookd... this story iz AWESOME!
UPDATE ASAP, its great so far !
| Pantherian Queen chapter 5 . 2/5/2010
I can't wait to the next chapter. It excited story that I read. Please continue it, Thank You, Pantherian Queen.
| Rukangel chapter 5 . 2/3/2010
YAY UR BACK! *hug* damn 3 jobs that must be hard. and here i am looking for at least one. anyway great chap it just got me there and wanting more, it not fair to leave it in cliffhanger but apart from that great job. KEEP IT UP AND PLEASE UPDATE SOON!
| 6darkwillow chapter 5 . 2/3/2010
this is an interesting plot! update soon :)
| winddrinker chapter 4 . 11/22/2009
having a real good time with this story. i like the detail work and the plot line. hope you keep it up;)
| Renkhal chapter 4 . 11/18/2009
Aw, Mako just put it all together!
| Crosswood chapter 3 . 11/1/2009
Excellent! This story is awesome; action, adventure, romance…
This review is going to be wholly a boost to your ego; the story is well edited, the plot is awesome and the characters are… well… in character.
I can’t wait for the next chapter!
| mario123 chapter 3 . 10/25/2009
so very awesome please continue