Reviews for Undeserving
MaleficentKnits chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
thank you for entering the LFN contest, sweetie... I was sorry that this didn't make the final cut... I really felt it was deserving...

emptiness... an aching void... sadness... the darkness of Alice's self-abuse... the disdain she thrusts upon herself leaving her with feelings of worthlessness and no hope because she has given up on herself... you just knew that Mal would love this... so wonderful to see this in the form of a haunting and beautiful poem.
theladyingrey42 chapter 1 . 11/7/2009

That one hurt. A lot.

For using very spare language, you evoke a lot. The numbness surrounding what she is doing and her feelings of unworthiness. She looks through the world through glass, not a real participant.

Lovely job.
Frust-sheep chapter 1 . 10/9/2009
Aww so sad this poem, but so wonderful written kirmit. :)

summer35 chapter 1 . 10/8/2009
I love it. So sad and empty. Like she said, "nothing but air". It's perfect.
AmberStar63 chapter 1 . 10/7/2009
Way to go Robs... poetry. Very well done.

Conflict was very well illustrated - light/dark, pain & suffering/numbing bliss, perception/reality, life/death, deserving/worthless, hope/hopeless.

I felt it.
contygoldbarg chapter 1 . 10/7/2009
and i love your dark side , i know that like me you are a big fan og hea but hell even the happyest people need sadnes and drama and this was big

even do it is a short mini fic it was so full of emotional congratz robs i seriusly one of the best things i have read from you
Goneforever8888 chapter 1 . 10/7/2009
Wow Robs. I love it. So much said - in so few words.

When I say so few words, I don't mean the one-shot all together. I loved that in one line, maybe two, the words that you said or chose said so much more then what was written. You did an amazing job with saying little but speaking volumes.

The only thing that made me go back and kind of re-read was when you said: "Tripping once again; Lying in the cool grass;" then after a few lines you say: "The sprinklers come on and break me from my trance; I get up and leave." I can't say I know anything about this, so no offense is meant and - well you know - but the image and thoughts that come to mind when I see the word Tripping, don't seem to mesh well with getting up and leaving. It's just my opinion in the crazy workings of my mind but maybe a different word for Tripping?

I loved the lines:

"The stars are like glitter;"


"The moon shines bright; The sun for the night."

Two parts really hit me as I was reading this: "First there is pain; There there is bliss;" and "Waiting for hope; Hoping to die."

I'm finding it hard to explain why but I'm going to try. The first one, she goes through the pain for the bliss - and in hope of escaping the pain of her life, memories, whatever it is she is trying to forget. She goes through that pain for a moment of bliss before she has to "make her payment". My heart breaks for her, and some people may not see it this way but I think you are really shedding light on issues that scare people and that some people avoid because it's hard or uncomfortable, but more so, you're doing it in a way that people read and it means one thing and then something totally different by the end of it - maybe causing them to re-read it. (at least thats what it is for me, and I have hope that it does for other people)

The second one: To me, and please - review reply me and let me know how off base I am - but it in one way shows her confusion of hope but also her battle to hope. When I say confusion of hope I mean in the sense that, from what I got, she doesn't know if she hopes or if she wants to hope. Which is heart breaking, and then you have her battle with hope. What is she hoping for? Does she really hope to die, because she truly believes she is worthless and undeserving or could she maybe hope momentarily for a better life?

I hope that all makes sense and I don't sound crazy! haha. I love it Robs, and I love you lady. I think it was absolutely amazing and beautiful.

Keep going lady and show everyone else what you're made of! :D

Also, I am participating in The Twilight Awards Review Challenge and this review will be submitted with my other entries! :)

3 jess
Makkitotosimew chapter 1 . 10/7/2009
I know I just told you what I thought of it not ten seconds ago on Skype, but you know me, I can't resist reviewing something written by either half of the Dynamic Duo.

This was eight shades of fascinating, Robs. Seeing you write not only without K but in an entirely new format. I love it.

I love that you took Bella's beginning and made it Alice's. And how you twisted Jazz and Alice's canon meeting so HE'S showing HER that little glimmer of hope this time. And all the other things I mentioned that I'm probably forgetting. (You know my memory sucks. lol) Oh, and I love that it's a dark poem. Dark poetry has always been the only kind I could get into. *glances down at black emo KStew-like nails* lol

That all said, well done. Kudos. *applause* All that Jazz. :) Good luck in the contest!

3 Kim
Lucy Alyce chapter 1 . 10/6/2009
awe robs i love it! very dark... but there's a glimpse of hope in her time with jasper... even if it's only for that one moment.

"lying in the cool grass/staring at the moon/the stars are like glitter/sprinkled in the sky" especially liked that part 'cause i could *feel* it...

so yes... great job ;) good luck in the contest!
DeadlyKittenKay chapter 1 . 10/6/2009
Well you know I like it. But thats a give. Good luck in the contest bb *hugs*.

*mummbles* ... just saying
iciri-piciri chapter 1 . 10/6/2009
hi :)

wow creative way of writing a one-shot, i've never read one like this before, but i love the idea, and the poem is really good :) it was indeed dark, but i liked it. i think the whole thing is so dark and angsty that it is not a problem it's short. it's just enough :)


dihenydd chapter 1 . 10/6/2009
It is so nice to see another writing form. thank you for sharing.