|Reviews for Wasted|
| shii-chan chapter 1 . 6/13/2010
good story ,keep it updated !
| Imagination-Unleashed14 chapter 1 . 11/27/2009
aw I can't believe I almost started to cry!anyway it was really good!*sniff*lol next chapi?
| Misa-tan chapter 1 . 10/11/2009
I apologize if this appears a bit harsh. (Please bear with me) I've intended this as constructive criticism. Hopefully, it'll help you improve.
First of all, be a bit more careful with the character's names. (See manga for reference). Suzune's name is spelled as "Suzu-ne" rather than Sazune(You can think of it as a combination of Suzuka(Which is actually 'Karin' backwards in the Kanji...or the other way around) and Kazune)
Be careful of your grammar. It's a good idea to proofread it for errors and spelling. Spell-check is your best friend for anything other than names or Japanese terms. (Words like especially, coffee, and securely could be corrected. Other things, I suspect are just little mistakes from not checking.)
The last few paragraphs appear slightly confusing. Especailly this one:
"Good morning, honey." She said, walking past her husband to grab her daily cup of coffe. After wrapping her flowerered robe more secerley around her waist, she took a sip of the steaming hot bitter drink. After one their average breakfasts, Kazune's cell phone began to ring. It was Jun calling, which to the Kujyou family, was always an important call. After stepping out of the kitchen for a few minutes, Kazune returned to kiss his family goobye and said he would be back in a few hours. About an hour later was when the knock on the door came. Karin, thinking it was Kazune, knocking because he forgot his keys, awnsered the door with a huge smile on her face. A police officer was the number one person that she had least expected. Right away, she could tell something was wrong. Her world seemed to crash, as the officer began to talk. She didn't even here half the words he said, due to the fact that she was so shocked and the news made her feel as her heart was being ripped out. Karin only heard bits and pieces.
Reading this, I’m under the impression that time was turned back for some reason. At the beginning of this chapter, Kazune’s death is hinted at. Then, somehow at the end, the scene is replayed; it was as though Karin never saw the police officer in the beginning.
For most part, there are no major flaws besides the need to be careful. (Use spell-check, okay? It’s your best friend.). Maybe try reading over a few chapters to help keep the characters truer to their personalities. (Karin refers to her son as Suzune-kun). If you fix these small things up, your story will hold more potential than it did before fixing it up.
Once again I apologize for reviewing harshly. Of course, we all start somewhere and have the need to improve. Even when you reach the point where few people could offer you pointers/tips/criticism, you’ll find that you yourself will be the best critic to improve your writing.