|Reviews for Flirty Neighbor|
| Hiarashi chapter 5 . 8/2/2012
Already reviewed this once anonymously. I would still love to see you come back and continue this. Truthfully, the thought makes me so happy that the 3 of them are so close in bounds IRL to each other. It's so adorable too that Haseo came out to see her. I have a soft spot for that pairing as well and I have no qualms seeing it in this story alongside Kuhn/Atoli. I'd love to see Kuhn (Tomonori) find out who his neighbor really is though too.
Hope to see more eventually!
| Sera chapter 2 . 8/2/2012
oh wow, this is pretty old. And here I was hoping for another chapter. This story seems to have real potential. If you ever decide to get back to it again; I'll be here. :D
| authorgal282 chapter 5 . 4/20/2010
I like this story so far. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :)
| Nitrea chapter 5 . 3/27/2010
WHAT THE HAY! WHAT WAS THAT! THAT WAS CREEPY! OMGOSH! Love the story but THAT was over the top!
-Love Nitrea ;)
| Neon-Orange-Ninja-Penguin chapter 5 . 3/21/2010
wow this chapter was hilarious! It was so funny my water shot out of my nose a couple times when I was reading this! _ Great chapter, and I would do the same damn thing if my neighbor was that loud! _
| Drachegirl14 chapter 5 . 3/17/2010
Okay - so I really like this fic. A lot.
Chigusa, Ryou, and Tomonari are all in character and it's incredibly amusing to watch them be, well, themselves.
Still , the last part of this chapter . . . I wasn't sure whether to beg Haseo to kiss her, laugh because it was just so damn random, or hope for other things to happen . . . the naughty kinda things.
I actually like the Haseo/Atoli/Kuhn idea, in fact, I wholeheartedly pray that is what this will become. Or if it doesn't, that's okay too.
But anyways, I really liked it. The only thing I can say is that while the story is good, there's not too much in the way of thought description or scenery description.
What is here right now is amazing - I enjoy the dialogue and the way you portray them in a very canon-like way.
But I have to say that this story could be enhanced by a little more description in regards to thoughts, feelings, and scenery - it just adds that bit of realism that will keep us readers occupied in our minds as we read.
Still, I do enjoy what's here and I hope you can update soon please!
| Molly Renata chapter 5 . 3/14/2010
YesyesyesyesYES! Go for the harem 8D
...Haha, he got dumped again XD
| Ganheim chapter 5 . 3/8/2010
Could she rival against this woman?
[“Rival” is typically used as a noun, but either way I think a more modestly-connotated “compete” would work better]
You know him"
[Is this a “trail off” or is it a simple question? Either way, I think a question marks’s missing]
how much fun they're having.
[It may be sarcastic, but I think it’s still a question and therefore should be punctuated as one]
little exercice. "As hell
[exercise. "Like hell]
Why would he want to know now of all times?
[Because it’s more common to use a person’s name than “you”, even when speaking in the first or second person (I or you, respectively), in Japanese? Granted, as this story’s in English it can sneak around that tidbit, I just thought I’d mention it]
"I... I could do it you.
[Ryou might be arrogant, presumptuous, and tend to jump into things he’s not ready for, but I don’t see him trying to do this – Chigusa’s still a relative stranger and she’s got the emotional resilience of crystal (even before her parents’ deaths), which is something that makes him wary even in the game. Attracted though they may be (yes, I know they’re hormonal teenagers), I don’t really see them putting themselves into a dangerous situation like this. Haseo might likely mention a stupid plan for “revenge” (though, as I point out later, even this scene leading to that revenge is shaky). Another issue I have with this is that it makes Haseo/Ryou seem more predatory than his socially awkward self in GU (both game and manga/novel) indicates]
"WAIT, YUKINO! I'M SORRY!"
[I’m a little confused, but then again I take the stance that Kuhn is so socially/emotionally troubled from losing his girlfriend in .Hack/Liminality that he can’t even get past the shallow opening stages of getting a girlfriend and would never reach this point to start with. Importantly: this whole scene seems to pretty effectively cut out the potential for a Tomonari-Chigusa relationship, because I doubt that she’ll settle for acting like a consolation prize after he’s already had sex with other women]
Like your other story, I can see that the language is a bit of a struggle for you, but all things considered you still do a pretty good job despite that. Except for my reservations noted for chapter 5, I think it's pretty good (and, you being the author, what's done there is of course up to you).
| Ganheim chapter 4 . 3/8/2010
[I know it's odd that my review for chapter 5 is on chapter 4 - it's long. Please forgive the oddity.]
your parents died. Did you... um, kill them?"
[That seems like a rather nasty/weird thing to say. Granted, if she did kill them she likely wouldn’t say so, but her phrasing could imply it happened outside her control. I think that your language barrier might be part of what made this difficult to read/write: did you intend to say that Haseo asks if “you see them die” (personally there) rather than asking if she murdered them herself? Phrasing it that way, she could still think that she caused their deaths by wishing it]
She has forgotten, until
Why?" She asked innocently. "I'm looking
[I think this is Source Mixing. She can’t both be asking him and answering what he’s doing. To clarify who’s doing/saying what, when you break to a new character (like after “innocently” here), break to a new paragraph]
There has to be a cafe somewhere. I just have to find a hotel and book a room..."
[Wouldn’t that be hard? Tokyo is one of the most expensive cities in the world, finding a hotel would be a financial challenge unless Haseo’s parents are rich and he has relatively unrestricted access to their money – all we know for certain from canon is that his father was always busy (I can't remember if the Terminal Disk says whether or not his father owns a big company). Anyway, I’d think they’d be working harder on specifying where she lives instead of having Haseo come to the prefecture and hope that they run into each other]
Do you live in Kanazawa too?"
[A bit of a distance between there and Tokyou, no?]
or about him living close.
[Not “living”, but if he came to meet her he would _stay_ nearby for a little bit. The train system is extensive, and I’ve heard of dedicated commuters traveling from farther than that to Nishi-Shinjuku (downtown central Tokyo, a business district with one of the busiest train stations on earth)]
Another swearing broke her trail of thoughts
[I think “curse” would fit better than “swearing”, as in this context they’d mean the same thing but “swearing” breaks sentence grammar]
It's hard to find a reliable website."
[I’m confused, is he just having trouble finding an internet café, or is the cell phone dying out because there’s a bad signal? The issue here is that I don’t even know what exactly he’s doing right now]
chocolate chips wafflesboth
[chip waffles? I think the “chip” would be singular, but I’ve never heard of such a food. Then again, I cook for myself and I generally prefer savories instead of sweets]
from the grocery."
[I sense “grocers'” would fit the sentence construction a little better, unless you wanted the full compound “grocery store”]
the machine..." She heard him laugh
[Source Mixing again: unless she’s laughing at herself, which would be odd, don’t forget to break to a new paragraph when you break to a new character. It helps the scene flow – trust me]
Things have been very hectic
[To match verb tense in this sentence, I’d say “Things were very”]
her feelings for him have resurfaced ever since.
[This is good – I understand the idea expressed – but I think the wording could be stronger. Maybe “feelings for him began to resurface”?]
Over all, she worshipped Haseo
[The “over all” seems unnecessary to me]
but forbid herself from having a crush on him.
[I’m confused: isn’t a “crush” a level of infatuation and something that implies immaturity and lack of personal control? Maybe she “tried to tell herself she didn’t have a crush on him”, which implies she’s aware of her feelings of desire but tries to keep them under control, while still keeping a connotation of those feelings remaining anyway?]
He wasn't inclined on good manners
[inclined to good manners,]
leaving her plenty of time to pond on her feelings
[to ponder her feelings]
Haseo wouldn't arrive before a long time,
[arrive for a long]
just in case that he...
She owned this man
he was always to your side
[always at your]
away from this kind of man
[“that kind” better expresses somebody in the third person]
that she wasn't interested to be one of his many conquers
[interested in being one of his conquests]
He hasn't text her
[I think “hadn’t texted” better keeps the flow]
she was hoping he did,
phone has since long ringed annoyingly
[phone long since rang annoyingly]
What a terrible person she is.
[Unless you’re going to make this an unvoiced thought (most authors, like yourself, use italics), as if she was speaking to herself, I think you should maintain the same verb tense as the general narrative (which would be past-tense “was”)]
and his light brown, unruly hair made her envious.
[Odd, long hair is considered attractive in most cultures of the world, including Japanese – and hers isn’t “unruly” which should only make it “prettier”. Chigusa’s may not be exceedingly long, but assuming you take .Hack/GU to be reliable (I prefer the wikia, as I don’t like translating manga) I think she would fit as “pretty” to Japanese cultural standards]
time thinking of what Haseo
[thinking about what]
although neither he did.
[neither did he]
He threw a quick look at the place,
[This looks like objective narrative, not somebody thinking, so I’m not sure why it’s italicized]
ground with a thick sound.
in Japon and her
making appreciating sounds as
[There’s nothing technically wrong with this, but it sounds a lot like how Ranma (of Ranma ) eats – with virtually no matters, and as if eating as much and fast as possible was a matter of life and death]
to finish to do the dishes."
[finish so I can do]
to let them in the sink."
[to leave them]
I don't know why you're embarrassed toward me.
[I think either “acting embarrassed” or “embarrassed at” would flow better]
You don't have the same name to begin with."
[Another odd thing – plausible, given Haseo’s almost rudely casual manner – is that they never exchanged names, which is traditional in Japan. It’s also necessary for communication: speaking without having a person’s name is very awkward. There are forms of the word “you”, but they’re either rude (“anta”, which Shino he calls Shino once and she reproaches him, and “anata” which is generally considered intimate)]
Haseo rolled his eyes.
[I twitch each time that he’s referred to by his character name when it’s not actually _his_ name. It’s understandable, I just am wondering when they’re going to say “hey, isn’t it awkward to be talking directly to people without actually using _their_ name?”]
put her to ease.
"Why not?" Apparently not. "Y-you're a boy
do you sleep naked?" He received a small punch
He would yell? But he ain't here.
[Ryou should remember that her father died. Haseo can be crass, but I don’t think he’s this bad. He could accidentally forget, though I think that would still lead to him realizing “oops, I just insulted family that, while she didn’t always like, she still valued]
she thought of suicide some months ago was because they imposed to strict rules?
[The wording becomes a little stiff. Perhaps this would sound better: “suicide those months ago because of the strict rules they imposed”]
imposed a husband to her.
[Given the sentiment of having her life controlled, I think “imposed a husband on her” would have fit better. Unless you take a more positive stance on arranged marriage, in which case I think a more direct “arranged a husband for her” would describe the sentiment]
and her happy-go-lucky attitude disappeared
[What happy-go-lucky? She tried to be upbeat, but she’s even worse at keeping a façade than Tabby (who also hinted at a minimum of emotional abuse and neglect). If you don’t know anything about Tabby, I highly recommend watching .hack/Roots. It’s difficult to find, but there’s no better way to really understand her character than to see her. Granted, I also like Tabby (she’s abused by Haseo even more than Atoli, does more to help him, and never gets the closure that Atoli does. She still keeps smiling, though)]
he had some comrades at school,
[I would think he’d say “friends”]
judging his reacting.
she flustered but joined him
[she looked flustered]
Haseo said between two publicities.
[I think most readers would’ve been able to extrapolate some form of “advertisement” (at least, that’s what they’re called in my dialect) from that if it was written normally. With the italics and bolding, it jumps out and makes me wonder what’s so important about it, as if something was unusual]
Figures that's the first thing you'll want to check out.
[Well, there was implication that Kaede and Zelkova would try to start Moon Tree back up, even if they had to rebuild it from a new guild]
| Ganheim chapter 3 . 3/8/2010
that malicious look in his eyes,
[I think “predatory” might fit but “malicious” definitely wouldn’t. “Malicious” is someone like Sakaki who has a genuine desire to cause destruction and pain, while Kuhn is really having fun]
muttered a greeting before coming.
[Out the window? Or before entering the flat?]
Since it had no legs, it absorbed all the water.
[“all” could imply it soaked up all the possible water damage, “most” or “a lot” would more clearly state that it’s possibly sodden but didn’t really save anything else]
, however, wasn’t
The plumber, she guessed he was, had
made a few holes in her walls
[This sounds haphazard. Granted, this probably isn’t a great part of town, but most plumbers aren’t this casual and hasty. They didn’t even schedule or pay anything. Unless it’s a “plumber in training, maybe brother of the owner”, I’ve seen that a lot in seedy apart buildings over the world]
not taking care of-” Chigusa put
But he had already gotten in.
cause that’s what you are. Her day
[I’d have added a paragraph break after “are.” To add emphasis to the recollection]
I realised that Atoli’s affection for Haseo is rather obvious,
[Well he was the first person who instead of giving her pity (which she seemed to crave), gave her a slap on the face and said “hold your head up and live your life” (you know, that whole right-after-Moon-Tree thing in Vol 2)]
angry against the landlord
she hasn’t heard a word
noted down ’s phone number
using the sink to wash her body and her hair.
[I think a more concise “to wash” would work better than the longer bit]
The metal structure of the futon elevated it from the floor,
[Futons typically aren’t metal…and a lot lie flat on the floor. We need more description, because I’m seeing more something like a cyborg creature imitating Audrey 2 from “Little Shop of Horrors” than an elevated bed]
signs on the leasethat the
What drifted them apart?
[What caused them to drift apart?]
was used to see.
when he made us visit the apartment, compared to now!”
the two men reduce the landlord.
[berate? bemoan? rant about? condemn?]
coming to her rescueafterwards?
You never know what kind of neighbour you get.”
He would make sure remembered to treat nicely from here on.
The sun dove into the clouds,
before heading outside to lean on the fence.
[Didn’t you say that she was higher up than the first floor? That being the case, I think that rails are typically what you’d call the guards at the perimeter of a small balcony (if the balcony exists, which is likely as not for low-scale aparts)]
had taken as granted before.
[“taken _for_ granted” sounds better to me]
Her uncle indeed followed the man hot on the heels everywhere
proud on the little trick
wish to become real
[Wishes can become real without being realized, I think you meant more specifically “become reality”]
She hasn’t caught on
[Given the tense, I think “hadn’t” would work better]
when he kept calling her
[“he called her” would have a more concise, punchy syntax]
beautiful’ or when
he beamed a smiled at her
[Repetition: in this context, “beamed” and “smiled” mean the same]
she developed a doubt.
[She’s got a lot more than _a_ doubt, I’d use a vague reference to plural doubts (maybe just “she began to doubt”?)]
It would be nicer if Tomonari was really flirty,
[Doesn’t a “flit” generally carry a connotation of being desperate for attention, and therefore rank a little below a “charmer” who carries a more “choosy” connotation?]
interested in her, to start with
[Extraneous comma, it breaks up a continuous idea]
It looked so much like her friend Kuhn’s
[His voice looked like Kuhn? Tomonari’s made several appearances, if he physically resembled Kuhn I’d have thought that it would have been noticed by now – downplayed (maybe she assures herself she just misses her friends and is looking for them in the strangers around her?), but nevertheless she still should have noticed at least something while moving in]
What said earlier bothered
ever since I live here
[started living? Maybe just “lived”?]
The excitement in her voice made him grin. “Yeah.
[Source Mixing – this spot in particular is confusing, because earlier it’s Chigusa speaking but here (in the same paragraph) I think it’s Tomonari]
I’ve been playing The World since R:1 and never stopped.
[Except for that part where he was, you know, in a coma]
and he didn’t want to alarm the young girl next to him.
[I’d think he’d be more concerned about her not believing him – the news and forums in GU made it clear that even as widespread as the AIDA server was in Vol 2, only the people in it believed it happened. Tomonari, without knowing he’s talking to Atoli, would assume she would think he’s full of it if he said “I had a stint of being trapped by Morganna”]
Not only her neighbour played The World, but he offered her to play!
[Slightly awkward wording]
down to the furniture.
[Including the replacement futon? C’mon, there’s got to be differences! Don’t just be a good author, be a great one! Tell us!]
she installed the headset.
[“donned” the headset, as it probably doesn’t need to wait to place reference files]
a window popped and
[popped open/up? Remember the end of the main segments of the trilogy: the screen cracks, and when I saw “popped” I thought of something shattering like that]
around a hour ago
still haven’t log on
where you disappeared,
I didn’t find a way
[Although this works, “didn’t” expresses a recent connotation to me, something of brevity. “couldn’t” better holds the longer-term difficulty]
dumped the pizza on the bed
[Just threw it on, topping-side down?]
In fact, I’d say
[That he’s starting to lay it on rather thick?]
phone off this time.”
[off next time]
Hey, can you shut the computer?
[He’s leaving her alone in his flat? Without a key? Granted, he may trust her not to steal anything, but the description makes it clear that it’s a rather seedy, decrepit part of town and he wouldn’t want to leave it open to any passing loaf to wander in – it happens sometimes, and I just get this sense of it being odd that he’s placing so much trust/responsibility to somebody that he doesn’t truly know. Or thinks he doesn’t]
Please call this number. X X X (1)
[I’d have just made it up a number – and checked an online search engine to be sure I wasn’t messing up the partitioning of Japanese phone numbers. I can’t remember how they’re grouped. Regardless, it’s better to throw out a facsimile to fill in the space than to have a blank or ugly block that pretty much screams “I didn’t finish this part of the scene!” Or you could just say “she wrote her cell number” and you don’t have to make up a number at all]
one who paid it!”
and put the leftovers in the fridge,
[Really? Must be a small pizza, unless she put them in another container]
The clock indicated 10 o’clock.
[Repetition of “clock”. I’d just stop at the numeral, as that gets the point across]
She couldn’t how many
She would have recognised that voice anywhere.
[Because you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting something Yuri Lowenthal has voiced in]
Haseo’s hand finally reached her
[I could understand if she _felt like_ this happened, but as it’s written you’re saying this happened]
he has such corny pick up lines
[Better than the one about chlorophyll]
Quaint, good plot and progression, with characterization that feels pretty true to the canon. The only issue I spotted was Kuhn/Tomonari’s verbal flirting getting a little excessive (where I pointed out he’s “laying it on pretty thick”), but besides that I think everybody’s acting very much like I’d expect them to act in the situation. The interaction is handled pretty well (though I question whether Haseo’d call after 10pm, he might not have gotten the message (perhaps he only reads when logging on?) or could assume she’s asleep and would’ve been polite and waited until the next day. Granted, either’s possible (Roots did imply he's a "net junkie", and they tend to lose track of time). All in all, this was a well-written story and it’s good to see somebody putting some real, dedicated work to .Hack/GU. Not enough good stories for that, Kuhn or no.
By the way, despite the fact that you’re going to be “pairing” two characters, I very much appreciate the fact that you’re keeping things to a sensible progression and aren’t throwing them at each other like a lot of bad writers in the Ranma section (or some Haseo-Atoli stories here), instead choosing to build a real relationship between them before having them play off each-other’s persona.
In another occasion, he would've been annoyed to hear her react this way,
[He just ordered her to shut up – in nicer words, but this is “the short of it”. Sensible too, but my issue is how you’re presenting Haseo. The narrative focuses on Chigusa and does a very good job of sticking with her narrative perspective: here is where that blurs. Is she assuming that Haseo is annoyed with her? Is Haseo himself thinking (this would be odd, as it would be only a couple of narrative lines coming from Haseo when the rest of the chapter is Atoli)? I would rephrase the sentence primarily to give a clearer observation from Chigusa’s perspective]
forty years old virgin
Chigusa apprehended the moment.
[she “paused a moment, apprehensive”?]
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 3/8/2010
I always become unable to defend myself against
[The earlier narrative is relatively spartan, but I think that some specific detail is _needed_, and here is an excellent place. What is it that makes her so helpless in such a situation, or gives her away? A tremble of the shoulders as they look down their noses at her? The way she inclines her head whenever she hears them talking about her, even if she tries to act nonchalant and keep her eyes forward?]
except for a few exceptions.
Dad hit the table with his fist.
[This section here is odd, because the narrative has been distant recollection so far and following this it seems to come into a more immediate sense. However, the wording doesn’t seem to fully match that. Is she being yelled at now, or is her reminiscing drifting into a more specific scene (which isn’t consistent with the earlier generalities)?]
No one really see what
meet anyone expectations
so I can never them again,
[I would never see them?]
Chigusa (1) came in,
[Okay, you have her name and I find you’re an interesting, but I think specifically noting it here is unnecessary]
turned the computer off.
[You mean turned it on?]
The M2D installed,
[“installed” tends to mean that it’s the first time used, while “initialized” is a more generic start that can refer to repeated instances]
Its warmth made her wince
[Wouldn’t the drink have cooled in all that time, and now be room temperature?]
Who is bothering them so late?
[I think “at such a late hour” would help clear the sentence, because a ‘who’ is clearly stated but then the reference to time is rather ambiguous]
I wasn’t sure which name was which. Chigusa seems a logical choice, I guess...
[The names presented on Wikipedia are almost always in Western (given then clan) name order, when it’s in traditional Eastern (clan then given) it’s generally clearly stated. And yes, you’re correct that Atoli’s player’s given name is “Chigusa”]
Days after her epitath awakened,
that her father had a high percentage of alcohol
[I would’ve thought that it would’ve been a different driver (drunk) that killed her parents. Such a thing would increase Atoli’s perspective of “random hostility” from the world]
she extirpated from her bed
had taken of most of things,
[taken care of most of it?]
How much do I own you?”
He winked once again and Chigusa giggled. “Well, then...” she began.
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph. Doing so makes it clear who is doing and saying what – that’s a problem here where Kuhn/Tomonari speaks above, and then by source convention says “well then” when such a verbal transition should belong to Chigusa]
counters seemed very old fashioned and not taken good care of;
[How so? This is telling not showing, and given that it’s the introduction to a new space (for both character and audience) it’s important to give your description now. Later you mention peeling paint, but I’ve never once seen a counter that’s painted (it’s not safe for food preparation). The material or style isn’t even hinted at (is it terrazzo with gaudy red? A concrete slab without even staining to make it look more like marble?)]
was thankfully filled with food.
[Unless it’s a few scattered canned foods, I find this highly unlikely. Apartments tend to be cleared out thoroughly between tenants (otherwise lawsuits from unhealthy/sanitary conditions come), so anything food that’s degradable would probably be gone. It’s surprising enough that there’s cookware here, unless she and/or her uncle have already come here to prepare. If that’s the case, you should mention it (maybe have her give a breath of thanks to her uncle for having the kitchenette taken care of?)]
The whole apartment, despite the white paint, seemed lifeless.
[I find that the whites and muted tones are generally some of the things that make a homespace seem lifeless, more like a hospital storage room than a _home_]
using the internet for personal purpose was, unfortunately for Chigusa, prohibited at school.
[Odd, computer labs/clubs are relatively common – that’s the setting for the vast majority of .Hack/Liminality]
Students didn’t pick on her yet. In fact, they ignored her simply after the third day,
[“simply” seems unfitting where it is (maybe put it before “ignored” to clarify that she feels passively shunned), though it seems faintly unusual for a mid-term transfer student not to draw a lot of attention for the first week if not more]
having no one to talk to was lonely, and lonely she was.
[Repetition: the segment following the period says exactly the same thing (with no expansion of the sentiment to warrant it)]
due to the sudden abandon of many online games players.
she couldn’t just abandon.
[abandon what? Did you intend to leave an ellipsis?]
aware of the fabric bags digging
[What fabric bags? The last couple pages have been her worrying over The World, there’s no reminder of groceries (which I think would fit well here)]
only to be swallowed
[Repetition of “only”, you have the exact same structure above in the same sentence]
quietness of the apart accented
[I think using the full “apartment” would add to the tone of the sentence. I know that “apart” is acceptable in several dialects of English, but consider the way the word sounds in its context. “apart” sounds colloquial and even has a non-threatening (potentially even “friendly, refuge”) connotation that doesn’t fit the dreary scene]
Everytime, she would
[I think a more distinctly separated “Every time” would have fit better]
less afraid than the minute before.
[“the minute” seems superfluous]
She was used to seek for Haseo’s image to calm herself.
[I’m confused, she meditated and concentrated on Haseo? Or did she go out looking for him? Did you mean that she more simply thought about Haseo to calm herself?]
but it was surprising to dream about Kuhn almost as often as she would dream about Haseo.
[I know this is towards the purpose you want, but I don’t think the transition is very good. Haseo did help Atoli, but he did so in a very brusque and straight-forward way (my iconic moment of that is at the end of the Moon Tree Incident when he slaps her and says “stand on your own two feet”). That’s not Kuhn’s way – Kuhn is very intelligent (remember that he didn’t tell Haseo how dangerous epitaphs were by repeating “don’t mess with ‘em”, he did so by provoking Haseo to go berserk using himself as bait). Kuhn has a more tangential way of going about things, and I think that recognizing this _difference_ in approaches (in this case, perhaps being a more quiet/friendly and supportive person) would be more effective than simply throwing Kuhn as a comfort boy with Haseo]
Atoli made the mistake, once, to tell Haseo that Kuhn was a very sweet man.
[This is good - one of those things that very effectively transitions from Haseo to Kuhn; it’s one of the topics that I was mentioning in the previous comment]
The comment has earned her
He is someone who
[Be careful to stick with the same verb tense: in this case “was”]
pull the stemup so that the water came out of the shower head (1).
(1)I’m not sure if the readers will understand this...
[Then explain it so it’s more clear. ANs are fine, but really best suited to optional extra information. In “The Best Laid Plans” I refer to the bosse of a scythe with the general language implying its top, and then in an AN at the bottom of a chapter as being the top of the pole. However, good narrative is as clear as possible right at the description instead of greatly abbreviated]
soaking the girl wet.
[As opposed to soaking the girl dry]
a few towel do
Of course, her uncle had to forget to give such an important number!
[At least four weeks passed and she didn’t talk to the landlord or get a contact number? What about her having written it down and she can’t find the scrap paper?]
heading for her very absorbing couch!
[Unclear description: some couches don’t absorb, it depends on the material – I think specifying that would help more than the vague “very absorbing” (which a sarcastic person like me might just say is getting undue attention)]
before smiling widely,eyeing her head to toe.
[I’m not sure why the “eyeing” bit is italicized, nor would I understand why he’s staring at her when there should be audibly gushing water somewhere inside and a panicked look on her face]
stuck to her body in a nice way,
[“in a nice way” doesn’t clarify anything, I’d just delete it because the rest of the sentence carries your connotation]
Her neighbour passed by her,
[neighbor stepped past her]
Have you called the ?” (2)
(2)I was looking for a Japanese family name and I could only come up with names from Ouran High School Host Club.
[Really? Looks like you forgot a name. Or title. And if you can post on FFnet, what about just using a search engine? My favourite generic name is “Takahashi”, the third most common Japanese clan name in Toukyou, I found it by typing “common family names in Japan” in a search engine and eventually found the results of a survey]
may I speak to please?”
[I don’t know, is there a mister Please there?]
Where is the floor cloth (3)?
(3) Again, I’m not sure if it was the right word.
[No, it sounds awkward. What about just “bathroom mat” or plain “mat”, as I understand most people have some form of mat to help control water and slippage in one room and a similar if less robust mat/rug in other rooms]
The water must’ve infiltrated into the floor
[I think “infiltrated” carries too active/heavy a connotation, what about “leak”?]
seemed so laidback and
[“laid back” more consistently carries the connotation]
ashamed of her ‘smooth recovery’.
[Or more simply lack o
| The Azure Guardian chapter 5 . 2/24/2010
Wow. This is an interesting fanfic. And damn Haseo/Ryou has some freaking weird ideas! I didn't think he'd go that far with Atoli/Chigusa. But it's still funny as hell.
| Tsukasa-kun chapter 5 . 2/22/2010
That was rather...interesting O.o Go Has-I mean, Ryou! XD
Poor Tomonari though...his spirits are gonna be low *huggles her imaginary Kuhn plushie*
| Celestial Mistress 8 chapter 5 . 2/22/2010
...Holy cow. That last chapter had to have been one of the most amazing things I have ever read. Period. I love how laid back Haseo is instead of being all uptight with his emotions. And I love how you portray Atoli/Chigusa. She's so adorable! 3 I'm looking forward to your next update!
And for the record, I can't wait to see how Tomonari acts in the next chapter. xD
| Izaquix078 chapter 5 . 2/22/2010
...This would have been totally awesome if it was a pure HaseoxAtoli fic.
Oh well, nice chapter by the way.