|Reviews for Jane Volturi's Diary|
| kathryn chapter 25 . 3/28
you should add a chapter s that jane thinks she sees a tramp in Caius' room
| kathryn chapter 23 . 3/28
finish alecs diary!
| Kathryn Ngam chapter 48 . 2/25
Awww, how sweet! A little surprise?
What is the name of Jane's second diary?
| Kathryn Ngam chapter 48 . 2/22
Oh, OH OOHHH
I am luvving this!
Keep it up!
| Kathryn Ngam chapter 18 . 2/22
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA so soso funny!
| Shawna chapter 10 . 2/13
Another good chapter, but the six or so 'I do's, You don'ts' were a little too repetitive. You don't want to use repetitiveness in your story, especially like that, because it will make the reader bored and in that case, dizzy. That's a good way to make the reader lose interest and stop reading your story. Plus, it makes the characters, even though one of them is physically twelve, they are both over a hundred years old, sound like bickering six year olds. You should have them arguing in a more adult way.
I would give you a descriptive example like I did in the last chapter, but it's 10:30 P. M. right now and I'm really tiered and my brain is starting to turn to mush. Sorry I can't offer more advice, but I really need to go to bed right now. Good night and keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 9 . 2/13
Another great chapter. I loved every word. Keep up the good work.
| Shawna chapter 8 . 2/13
Another great chapter, but if you ever decide to re-write this chapter, I'd put an action tag before someone's talking, because it would help your readers keep track of who's speaking. After the line 'what kind of sense dose that make, I lost track of who was talking. I couldn't figure out if it was Jane talking or Alec talking. Please try to say who is speaking either before or after a diologue, preferably with action tags. For example, 'Alec glared daggers at me over his book. "Jane, I am not gay! What makes you think I am?"
I grinned wickedly. "The karaoke machine for a start."
He huffed and flipped a page in his book. "I bet loads of pop stars and stuff have one."
I chuckled. "Are you a pop star?"
His grip on the book tightened and a low growl ripped through his teeth. "No."
I grinned. "Well, then."
Another low, but dangerous growl ripped through his teeth, making me shiver with fear as he turned his back to me. He was more angry at me for the karaoke machine incident than I'd originally thought. Of course, I couldn't blame him. He had every right to be angry! It was one of the last gifts our parents had given him before he and I had been unjustly accused of witchcraft by the priest of our family church and forcefully taken from our family to be burned at the stake. When Aro rescued us, he'd taken us back to our old home to retrieve any personal belongings, since we would never have the opportunity to see our parents again, and Alec had, of course, taken the karaoke machine, because it reminded him the most of our parents. It was very special to him.
I sighed. "Alec, I'm sorry. I know how important that karaoke machine was to you. I really feel horrible about it."
The cold laugh that ripped through the air sent shivers down my spine."Well, good. I'm glad you can feel my pain for once."
I winced. His words stung but I knew I deserved them. "Alec, look. I'll make it up to you."
He raised an eyebrow. "How?"
"I'll buy you a brand new one. An up-graded one, with my own money. And you can come with me and pick out the one that you want, and I promise you won't hear one complaint from me."
His recent scowl, that I was almost one-hundred percent sure would be permanently carved onto his face, slowly melted into a smile. "Do you really mean that?"
I made an "X" over my heart with my finger. "Cross my heart and hope to die."
"Stick a needle in your eye?"
I made the needle to the eye motion to confirm what he said. "Yes."
He closed his book, stood up, and zoomed over to me at vampire speed. "Deal. But you're not forgiven until you follow through with your promise."
I nodded, took Alec's hand, and together we zoomed out of the room, through the castle, and out the big, double doors to the closest music store in Volterra.
The shopping trip to buy Alec a new karaoke machine was pure torture! He would sample every machine he saw, singing into it, examining it, and then come up with some excuse to not buy what he just tried out! I knew he was doing this on purpose to punish me, but I didn't complain or roll my eyes. I knew very well that I deserved this and I take it like a vampire. I reminded myself that there were FAR worse punishments I could be receiving right now. Like harsh beatings from our masters with all of the brutal torture devises that we owned. *Shutter* I would take my brother's shopping torture over our masters' torture any day!
I gave a sigh of relief as he FINALLY chose one, bought it, and we left the store. The moment we got home, Alec put in one of his favorite CD's and sang into the microphone. When he finished singing, he turned it off, turned to me with a big smile, and enveloped me in a tight, loving hug. "Thank you sis."
I grinned and returned the hug with as much passion and love as he'd shown me. "You're welcome, brother and I really am sorry for destroying your old one."
He stepped back and waved my apology off with a smile. "Don't worry about it. You've apologized and bought me a new one. It's in the past now."
"So dose this mean I'm forgiven?"
Alec placed his arm around me and kissed my cheek. "Yes, sister, you're forgiven."
I grinned in relief. At last, we were back on good terms.
So what do you think? Do you think this chapter is better? I'm not saying your chapter is horrible, just that it kind of got off the subject of the karaoke machine, which seemed to be what the chapter was about, and wondered off into completely different territory, which made it confusing. One of the things you need to be careful about as a writer, especially if you want to be published someday, is to be careful not to confuse your readers by having the chapter be about one topic and then suddenly changing topics out of the blue. Confusion in stories is the best tool for losing readership and losing readership is the worst thing that can happen to an author, especially a first-time author.
Also, it would be good to explain things to your readers like I did in the example above. You need to give your readers answers to the questions they may be asking. Like why was he so upset over the karaoke machine being destroyed? And then come up with a reason, like in the example I gave you above.
I realize that this may be your first story, so please don't feel too disheartened at my major corrections. I am only trying to help. I have been writing since I was 10 years old, so I've had years of experience in the writing world and I've had some pretty harsh crits. on my work, too. It's never easy to hear that your work needs to be re-written or that a scene or chapter you may have loved needs to be re-written or completely taken out for the sake of a good story. In the writing world the truth can be painful, I've experienced it first-hand with one of my chapters, but in the end, it will make for a better story.
Stay encouraged and keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 7 . 2/13
Another great chapter. Alec's devastated reaction to the fate of his beloved Karaoke machine and when Heidi thought Jane had used her blood hair-dye was funny! I love this story! Keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 6 . 2/13
Another great chapter. I thought Jane landing on and destroying Alec's karaoke machine and then later him asking why it was broken was awesome! Boy, Alec sure can act weird when he's drunk! Keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 5 . 2/13
Another great chapter! The party was awesome! It was super hilarious how everyone got drunk and started acting weird, especially Alec when he pulled out his karaoke machine and started singing "Living On A Prayer." I love that song! It's so cool to see the light-hearted and fun side of the usually dark and frightening Volturi! Keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 4 . 2/13
Another awesome chapter! I love hearing Jane's real thoughts and feelings, the side of her that we don't normally get to see... Her soft side! Keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 3 . 2/13
Another great chapter. Keep up the good work.
| Shawna chapter 2 . 2/13
Another great chapter. I'm glad you had Alec use his gift in this chapter, since we don't get to see him use his gift very often, even in fanfiction. It was interesting to imagine it. Keep up the good work!
| Shawna chapter 1 . 2/13
Great first chapter. It's fascinating to see into Jane's mind and see that she dose like to have a little fun every now and then and not just with torturing people! Keep up the good work!