|Reviews for Social Moments|
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/2/2010
Hidetoshi is being asks opinions
[Bad grammar. “is asking opinions” would work]
Minato: The school day
[This looks like script format, which 1: is against FFnet policy, and 2: is beneath your capabilities. You’ve done better before, you can keep up proper narrative format instead of reverting to script format]
quit the stuff. This brings me to another point…
[Minato thinks that the coffee brings him to another point?]
is around then cautiously
COFFEE ACTUAL WORKED
[“actually”, and I wouldn’t recommend all-caps even if you DO use proper tagging and dialog punctuation, which is something you’ve forgotten]
He was sure no one is going see
[When you write, use one verb tense. Here you have past “was” with future “is going” (and missing “to”)]
he usually has to practice with only guys around
[Stiff wording, and ambiguous in a sense that I don’t think helps]
that the charm he gained from the coffee might make the guys gay for him.
[Extremely awkward phrasing]
his close friends (social link friends)
[The parenthetical is unnecessary…I think it even hurts your narrative. In general it’s best to avoid parentheticals in story text]
and their in great condition
[Sounds awkward, particularly after the rather sudden transition from “hey, there are friends of Minato” to “nobody’s sick”. To keep the narrative flowing more smoothly, try to keep things in a more direct presentation. Maybe ‘he walks in to see the SEES team lounging in the den and…’]
that being said…the whole dark hour thing in itself has got issues…
[Extremely awkward grammar]
the strange deranged tower
[Repetition: “strange” and “deranged” mean the same thing and have the same connotation in this context]
Wondering how a unique hour produces such a screwed up environment.
[Bad grammar – I have no idea what this means]
Minato enters a battle with some random deformed shadow.
[Sounds like a stilted, awkward regurgitation of game play]
Minato: Battle done…
[Script format, besides bad grammar]
This could’ve been a very funny idea, but the beginning with ‘pheremone coffee’ doesn’t seem to tie into anything. There are also numerous problems even ignoring the Script Format (which is against FFnet policy): bad grammar. If you’re unsure of your writing, then try a word processor (or two, you don’t have to pay a lot for some of them) or get a Beta Reader after you self-check. This looked like you wrote it and posted without giving it a thorough check.
| thesavorofpan chapter 2 . 10/10/2010
It gave me a nice laugh. You should contnue to write it.
| xXDarkMoonLightVampireXx chapter 2 . 10/22/2009
Lol! xD Great job, I loved this. :D
| Zuenira Azure chapter 1 . 10/19/2009
XD Fantastic! I like the way you write this! Be waiting for more!