|Reviews for I Want You to Live|
| CharlieTheLessFamous chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
NO! DONT SCRAP THE STORY!
| sammygirl1963 chapter 1 . 10/22/2009
Fantastic start with this my friend. I can't wait to see where you go with this one!
| guerrero chapter 1 . 10/20/2009
Hey ya! This is great.
I love how you started it off with Gordon getting in a mess with the chocolate :)
I can't wait to find out what happens in the next chapter.
| gypsybeads chapter 1 . 10/20/2009
I enjoyed the story, and your portray of Gordon is so precious, the 'woves you' when he knows he's in trouble made me smile and it's how I imagine he often gets out of a punishment. I hope you continue as we often see how Jeff reacts in a crisis like this, so it would be intresting to see how Lucy deals with it. Good Luck.
| Little Miss Bump chapter 1 . 10/20/2009
Considering this is your first Thunderbirds ( friendly note: it's not "Thunder Birds") fanfiction, you've done well. I like the idea that you were influenced by a recent event and wrote this story based on a real life situation. That always makes it tug on the heart strings a little bit more than it otherwise would, remembering the the families and friends of the poor souls involved in the accident would be going through a similar trauma. Also, it's a rare occasion indeed when Jeff himself is involved. It's often Scott, since he was also in the Air Force, or another of the brothers. I love it when the Tracy patriarch himself is given some of the action.
Now, although your first reviewer made several good points, I don't agree with her overall (nor do I condone the tone of her review - it was a little too harsh and wasn't particularly constructive). For example, it isn't at all unrealistic that Virgil started the play the piano when he was two (since you didn't specify when abouts, he could've been 30 months old, which would easily give him the motor skills required to lift his hand and press a key). Furthermore, I quite frequently enjoy watching home videos online where little cherubs are learning to play Chopsticks (often using a whole hand to hit a key). Learning does't mean "reading music" or "playing scales". I for one began piano lessons when I was four, and I couldn't stretch my hand from the C to the G for the life of me! (I had very small hands.) But I think the situation's perfectly believable, go ahead and keep it the way that it is.
True, your sentence structure and presentation IS a little shaky at times, but it certainly isn't "bad" (as you previous reviewer unhelpfully pointed out). In comparison with a number of authors on this site, you've done very well for yourself as far as grammar and punctuation are concerned. However, I would recommend finding a beta. There's nothing wrong with having them, the very best (and oldest) among us on this site have another fanfictioner handy to check their stories for errors. It really would help to eliminate all those little mistakes and help you to develop the characters; sometimes the way that YOU see a character (because they're in your head and you can already picture them clearly) isn't fully brought across to us, which often makes them look 2D. But it's a mistake we all make, so don't let it get to you.
I think you handled Lucy's character beautifully, though. She's a really lovely, motherly person without coming across as too much of a Mary-Sue. And this story really does have potential. Don't let the criticism prevent you from continuing, I honestly do want to know what's going to happen to the family.
| Musette12 chapter 1 . 10/20/2009
I find Gordon's baby talk very off-putting. Is he supposed to be backward?
And as for Virgil starting the piano at 2... not possible. Simply not possible. First, a child that age lacks the necessary concentration and motor skills, not to mention the ability to apply specific pressure to a specific note. Secondly - a two-year olds hands are not big enough to be able to rest on the nores C to G, with one finger on each - and this is the begining position from which all pianists start.
I'm not sure taht you were able to convey any of the actual emotion here - probably because you chose to protray the incident through the eyes of a child - and thus you lost most of the possible impact. Why did 45 minutes pass? What on earth was going on all that time? You would have expected Lucy to want her children after about 5 minutes. And then to go to her husband. What is she doing hanging around - it doesn't make sense. ANd surely the other women would ahve gone home - why are they still around? Would theyen really be "huddled in groups crying"? No - they would be trying to comfort Lucy, then going home, leaving her in peace.
And the Commander would not be hanging around, acting like a pater familias, rather than a military man.
So you need to think about those factors - what people are doing and why they are doing it. And then look at your style and langauge - at present, it is rather bald - the facts are stated and that's about it. Again,you need to think about things in more depth and examine feelings, motivations, and to described things in order to let the reader into the world you wish to create.
Its not a bad start - but if you want to successfully manipulate people's emotions (which seems to be the point of this story!) then you do need to work at it. At the moment the characters are rather too one-dimensional and while you've explained about the mother and daughter combo, they just seem totally unnecessary and in the way without actually adding anything to the story.