Reviews for The Bride of Edward Cullen
frol chapter 1 . 10/24/2009
ah fair wicked sisters! What an incredible dark tale you weave!

Indeed you have taken the things most of us slobber for in the Twi series and turn them on their literary ear. You make all canon things into something more...more sinister, more creepy and more like what the critics say of the nature of B and E's relationship.

"However, it was not lost on me that he had twisted my desires to gain the thing he had eschewed for more than a century." no longer a romantic Romeo, a controlling, abusive dark force!

"I thought the submissive was supposed to have the power! Completely and seductively under his control, the chill in the room that sat squat like a fat manifested elephant was his frigidness." more like the cool, marble statue. A David. just as cold and impotent for evermore.

"away from his cold-ass Mr. Snow Miser torso" A Year without a Santa Claus, a marriage bed with no husband. "He's Mister Icicle - He's Mister Ten Below" Cold in his calculating Bella's acceptance of marriage, cold in his wanting her to be frozen untouched for evermore. So amazing to see everything in this bizarro world Twilight! You two vixens spin a chilly story!

"It was all eggs this and eggs that and Bella, you look hungry, let me make you an omelet. Jesus, what was I? An orphaned, underfed child? Sloppy sunny-side-up eggs just looked like what could possibly pass as vampire ejaculate; yellow and yokey." LOL! Brilliant! I grew tired of the damn eggs as well! No toast? Rare steak even? Come ON! He fed the wolves better!

"Through it all Edward hummed that fucking infuriating tune to me – the one he’d been angsting over since we’d returned from Italy." LOL Poor Edward aping in his own angst. Being able to read her mind would have been handy! Perhaps he would have hummed "Afternoon Delight"

"Thirst like I’d never felt picked at the scabs that had to be lining my esophagus. Stinging, itching, burning, consuming want took over my being. I had to stop it...to feed it." And along with her humanity, burns away the simpering "I do not want blood" Bella! She's Alive! (or undead as it were)

"untouched handsome man-boy I had fallen in love with. The pompous pompadoured ass had blemishes upon his jaw, eyes that were a might skewed, a nose that was crooked and hooked more than it had ever seemed before." LOL never thought of this and it's hysterical. There is a comic I am going to link on the forum if I can find it online, if not, I will scan it that rips the gorgeous vamp myth a new one ALMOST as cleverly as this.

"Edward flopped and flailed, his hands searching blindly for the brain that had deserted them. The pounding of feet on the stairs matched the chattering of Edward’s teeth as he desperately tried to telegraph the location of his head to his body." I am thinking of the Black Knight - tis merely a flesh wound! LOL creepy dark humor and a marble chicken clucking with no head.

"“What’s that?” I taunted. “Does your throat hurt, too? Maybe this will help soothe the smoldering" LOL now I am picturing a severed ear in some movie (LOL Res Dogs, I know) "Can you hear that?" LOL damn. Blockhead.

Small wince for Charlie. That does suck. Poor guy.

"No, you don't understand. It's not that I don't want to," his face turned a delicious shade of vermillion, "I CAN'T. I tried to...break through...but I can't." Ah poor Mr. Newton, always the impotent suitor. Even when Bella gives it to him he can't have it.

"Was that what got Edward off? Popping my cherry over and over and over again? No wonder he'd reneged on his promise to 'try'. Boy, he wasn’t kidding when he’d personified himself as a monster, ad nauseum." Oh and again we get the idea that Edward was not Romeo, but rather a cruel master. No wonder she's pissed!

"Edward had created his own Princess Bride." What is perfect about this is more than "As you wish," for truly we are talking more of "To the pain!" Bella's revenge..."good god what is that thing" ringing in his perfect ears.

"Oh, I wasn't going to kill them outright. Maiming, crippling them was much more akin to the interminable retribution I had in mind. " That. Is what to the pain means.

"So, she's run off with rutting Jasper at her backside like a Shitzu that can't be shaken off. Am I right? Did the self-serving sylph even think to warn the rest of you?" Lovely dark headed nod to Breaking Dawn. Didn't we all wonder for a moment if Alice and Jasper really had just run away like a couple of thieves in the night?

". The crush-throb-juicy-iron screech of metallic flesh and bone tearing was quite the symphony, Clair de Lune aside." That's gotta hurt.

The burning of the individual pieces so they may not reattach and heal? Sheer, unadulturated cruel horrifice brilliance! Never thought of this and yet it's so damn petrifyingly perfect! Enough to make a vamp shudder. Did I mention "to the pain?" Indeed!

"Hieronymus Bosch " ah the dark arts. Hell on a canvas. The darkest corners illuminated.

"I understood, now, why Emmett was aping about and guffawing like the baboon he was. Pornographer extraordinaire, he didn’t even bother to hide his appreciation of another Cullen missus to ogle. I snickered back a chuckle, my first and only, when Rosalie cracked his skull." Even dear Emmett is a twisted sister. I swear the way you took the personality traits to extremes of the worst kind is madness and cleverness to a canon killing degree.

And to pass over Rosalie! Of course!

"Fucking parched again! This was a dammed nuisance." hee hee I am giggling and snickering like Renfield.

"Good morning, Denali!" You stay classy!

“But, Alice, I thought we were going to be such good friends?” "Hey, Ally, I think I'm going to call you Ali-Gore from now on! You sure could do with a makeover, hon. What? Not funny? Humph, you're kind of out of you aliment, huh?" Again with the canon crushing into the venom soaked snow! And the teasing! I mentioned your book of Alice insults in my DC review...make sure these are included yes? ExcALent!

The deaths of the mean girls? Sheer perfection. Something that was missing from the books. And that horrid movie prom dress! LOLOLOLOL

"“You will live in perfect health, intact, nursing your traitorous family, knowing your mate, your creation, will never see you, hear you or touch you ever again.” yep. to the pain. I am surprised she didn't his nose off...to spite his face. I fear I am going to run out of room before I acknowledge all brilliant point properly. Cullenary...LOL Edward LOVE, drooling through gross anatomy. The thought is truly gross.

And the brilliance of the shield making Edward deaf! I swear you two shifted the finest sand and found such perfect pieces to polish into gems. Clever clever little witches.

Sharing a victim with Demtri like a malt? I also picture Lady Bella nose to nose with her tramp over entrails slurped off a plate. Innards ala carte. Darkly delicious.

"I understood. Edward had given me the one thing he could. In the burning paper, the kerosene and fire, he'd provided me a way out. Death, on my terms." My canon-loving, Edward dedicated heart soared at this. I am not ashamed. Edward gives. Classic Edward and for him of course I weep. It is interesting to ponder whether or not our Dear Darkest Demon Bella will ever accept the gift as forever is a long time, in Hell with Edward or walking in hell as a death dealer.

Excellent work chickens! Such evil emanations. Such juicy jewels and dark bits. Truly unique and one of a kind. Despite my inner devotion to the star-crossed lovers, this is something delightful
TallulahBelle chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Whoa! This was whacked! I mean that in a good way, so imaginative!

The revenge of Bella on the Cullens for not letting her get laid.

I'm sitting here laughing and gasping with horror. You ladies certainly did your job!
RosaBella75 chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Well, I DID compare you (most aptly) to Quentin Tarantino! LOL

You most decidedly earned it with this one!

A divinely executed collaboration, ladies! *MWAHAHA*

Pouting at the cockblocking at the end! Hmph. ;D

Deliciously surreal, rather like Bella's diet, and as for those naysayers you mentioned on the Forum, Rie, they obviously don't get the flair and comedy that would make QT proud! (should send him the story, maybe he'd love to make a Twi parody Kill Bill style!) :hyper:

Thanks to you both for a riveting eve's entertainment!
brandj chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
I am SO excited about this fic! And it’s dark, gloomy, and rainy outside right now, so it’s PERFECT weather for the fearsome femme!

To faithful goldenmeadow readers: Meh. So true…so true. You brought us to slash and back with a gory end, the heart-fail/heart-full angst of Comeuppance, not to mention Eddie and his dirty mind! I think we are all immune to anything anyone can through at us!

“There’s a reason fairytales are only for children – they never come true.” I love this line! My fav saying is “This Ain’t no Pretty Fairytale”.

“And I’d make sure every single person responsible for my hell would share my punishment, and much, much more.” Bella is a scary, scary creature!

“Really, all I wanted was to mate, not assume the title.” So Bella, tell us how you really feel? I love that she’s so open and honest!

“Sloppy sunny-side-up eggs just looked like what could possibly pass as vampire ejaculate; yellow and yokey.” HILARIOUS! I will never look at eggs the same again!

“Three long days. And I thought my honeymoon was bad.” You two are SO freakin cleaver. And I am SO glad that you chose to have her holler her head off…b/c really, what normal human could go through that QUIET? None!

“Of course my ears would just crawl back up and reattach themselves.” Glad she still has a sense of humor!

“The pompous pompadoured ass had blemishes upon his jaw, eyes that were a might skewed, a nose that was crooked and hooked more than it had ever seemed before.” Blasphemy…how DARE you speak ill of “The Edward”? Okay…I forgive, as long as you leave Jasper out of it…b/c that boy and his scars are sexy as hell!

Okay…I’m a tad sad. I like Charlie. I will mourn for him. :0( Sadly, I didn’t even laugh at the juice box joke. At least she felt bad afterwards.

“Edward had promised to help, promised to keep my monster in control” Kind of hard to do without a head! :0) Poor confused Bella.

“His hips wiggled, using his poker of a cock to explore, not pleasure.” Poor, poor Mikey! Always the butt of jokes! And can’t even take her virginity!

“First comes marriage, then comes turning, then comes Bella getting the living daylights fucked out of her by her everlastingly hard handsome husband.” You kill me! Love it!

“Lying on the floor, his handless stumps waving toward the door, he made an apt welcome home present for Mommy Dearest.” Was it wrong that I laughed at this? *shrugs…what, it’s funny! “No. More. Wire. Hangers!”

Oh, Bella’s got brains! Using the mutt’s to disguise her intentions! Surprised she didn’t “use” Jacob for other purposes first! He’s really hot, she’s really cold…maybe he could melt it! Okay…that was wrong! I do see how each and every thing she picked to destroy about each Cullen fit their personality, their worse fate. I get why she left Edward intact, alone. "Your ears you keep, so that every shriek of every child shall be yours to cherish—every babe that weeps in fear at your approach, every woman that cries 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will reverberate forever with your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means.” His “to the pain” is living without his love, without his family, they are his soul, his reason for his “existence”.

“Yes, boys, I’m not as easy as I used to be.” Maybe not in negotiations…lucky Demetri!

You two worked wonders together! While gory and grotesque, it was beautifully and eloquently written! You get why Bella is so upset, so hurt. It’s not *just* the whole virgin forever, it’s deeper (way deeper than Mike can go…yeah, I went there). She lost humanity and faith in one small bite. I think y’all hit this outa the park! Wonderful job sweets! Both of you! Now, it’s WAY past my bedtime…stayed up just for you, of fucking course! I told you I'd finish it today, and I did (can't help it if your an hour ahead Rie..I held up my end)!
AndraLee chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Holy crow!
Mr.SMonkey chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
I dont know whats scarrier this story or the women that love it? I srly am a little scared my wife is going to tear me apart and bring me close to death and then just leave me to suffer adn that is sick sh**

So Bell is evil and a slut thats cool but shes one of those just the tip just to see how it feels kinda sluts basicly thats cool that can be fun to and as we all read you can always just use you mouth and fingers. Kinda feel bad for Ed here he did love her did she love him? Who is Demetri?
dihenydd chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Thanks for your entry to Les Femmes Noires.
winterstale chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Oh my. This made me squidgy in so many ways. You gifted ladies are magnificently twisted. Every single injury so utterly perfect! I read this with Jane-like little giggles of glee! This officially is my favorite Bella...evah, evah, evah!
Gasaway Alley chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Mistress Rie & Mistriss Blondie, how does you garden grow? With silver tongued devils and three little cockles all torn off in a row.

Oh, the hardship Bella endured as The Edward showed how polished and how high the platinum throne he put her on was. The only problem with polished platinum is when it gets old, it tarnishes. Tarnishes to an ugly dull that eekes and crawls it's way across the skin and finds every opening to spread it's moldy poisonous roots into.

And, that is exactly what happened. Inescapable horniness along w/Bella's shield carried over into her transformation. Killing everone who had wronged her, reveling and playing in their blood. Her newborn mind unhinged and heaped upon all sorts of firestorms upon the Cullens.

Bella going to the revolting Volt's digs and hanging out for several decades was such the ultimate punishment. Edward could no longer dictate Bella's every move. (that's for you, Blondie)

It's filthy, it's disgusting, it is an evil beauty so rare it's no surprise it come from your lavish minds so full of bats, bells and creaky drafty doors.

Funny as hell, ugly as sin, dirty as rocks, and crackly as glass. This story twisted and turned like a worm through the Twilight apple. Thank you for letting me take a bite.
goldenmeadow chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Dear dear blackhearted beautifully sinister Blondie, it was a 'pleasure' doing business with you!

And Hells Yes I am reviewing, because I can (I've taken a leaf from our Wicked Wifey's book).

Of all the deliciously devastatingly devilish Blondie-bad-bits...this is one of my favorites:

"Or, more appropriately, legless and armless Matt and I-lene. Useless limbs were strewn everywhere, some being peed on, some getting buried in shallow graves, some playing the rope in games of tug-o-war between my canine cohorts. It was a rather beautiful sight.

My mannequin-esque siblings' heads were still attached and functioning...wailing, in fact...and for that I was thankful. I quite liked to goad gypsy-Alice and emo-Jasper before taking my final leave of them.

"Surprise!" I exclaimed to a symphony of grunts and yips.

Ever the protective mate, Jasper rocked and wriggled in an attempt to reach his equally incapacitated wife. "Leave her alone, Bella. It's me you want, not her." Remorse cascaded over me like snow.

"Guilting me into sparing you won't work, Bro. You forget I know the guilt of Oedipus, in large part because of you and my short-sighted Sis, here. Care to take another spin on the emotional roulette before you feel my justice?""

Oh, and the Egg having seen more COCK than Bella...*snort*.

"I wanted to kick mini-me’s ass, but I'd have to flip her over to do that."

You know how I feel about that , yeah you do.

This next bit, so insanely blithe and brilliant:

"“I would like to accept the offer Aro extended to me in March, if it still stands.” Aro clapped his hands in glee. “Under one condition.” Yes, boys, I’m not as easy as I used to be.

Demetri's lip quirked, sending titillating lightning strikes to the blossoming tips of my hungry tits. Okay, so I AM easy, but I'm not cheap."

Awesome sauce:

"his resplendent pecker was replaced by a gentle peck...of his lips."

Still completely love Demetri adjusting his package and goading Edward, I think the Jane/Edward/Alec convo. is just the cat's meow! Especially Flamus Interruptus.

Oh, hell and damnation; I love it ALL!

Must just say that Demetri is my new fave love. And I just 'adore' what you did with Italy...that was fucking hot, nasty, sexy, 'see ya later, Edward' perfections!

An honor, bb!

Rie
moojuicey chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
That was pretty awesome. I love a dark Bella! I think her anger as so refreshing-normally Bella lets far too much slide. Thanks for the fun ride!
Demons4eva chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
What a simply tremendous story, incredible imagination.

No words really other than I think I liked it, it was so much different to what I usually read. Physco Bella.

Got this as a rec. from Twitter.
Viola Cornuta chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
My darlings, just read it in the dark. Not enough milk chocolate in the Halloween stash to balance out the bittersweet platter of sweetmeats you have prepared.

"All my pretty ones? / Did you say all? Oh Hellkite! All? / What, all my pretty chickens, and their dam / At one fell swoop?" Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 3

Yep, that's what they say, bless their generous black hearts.
slobber-monkey chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
...just WOW...

Rie, I'm used to you just taking my breath away and leaving me begging for more, you didn't disappoint. Blondie, I don't know you, but I love you.

That was sick and twisted, scary, sad, gross, and even kinda funny.

But seriously I gagged a little at the thought of Newton's needle d*ck coming anywhere near any vagina EVER!

...simply AMAZING...
LasciviouslyNaughtyThoughts chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Unruly, disbelieving and spun upside down. Spun in circles so wide as to cause a riptide of mushy, brushy off-white brain matter splatter. Spun in circles so tight there is no particle of oxygen that can fit in these bereft lungs anymore.

Forever a virgin. Unable to fornicate in the matricular sense of the word. Never to know a man's thorn prick. Never to rid herself of a self-loathing, self-flagellating, selfish zombie.

Newly foaled vampires and their crazed minds. Hell bent to make our most charming Cullens all pay with their gifts. So perfectly executed in the most foul of ways. Each one castrated and stripped of what set them apart. All the king's horses and all the kings men, couldn't put them back together again. The Belladonna Bitch had made sure of that.

Beautiful in it's sanguine setting, you two have done in this Les Femmes Noires joust. Hang your hats together so that the fibers may twine and play together, because the meet of your minds is a finely woven knit of the best quality.

So as to not lead you astray This is my alter ego. This is my secret. These are my lasciviously naughty thoughts. April
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