|Reviews for Beast Wars Preview|
| Trapped in Reality chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
While this seems interesting, I don't think the admins of the site allow non-stories to be posted as stories.
This makes me curious as to how she's abnormal, and why Tarantulas would be interested in her.
| Kara Ashford chapter 1 . 10/28/2009
It certainly sounds like you already have a sound premise and a good basic plot to follow when you start writing. Since you'll be introducing and OC, and a human OC at that, I wish you the best of luck with this story.
I certainly have nothing against humans in the Beast Wars (I actually have a story of my own in the works that follows this premise) in fact I think it's a plot type worth further exploration especially when one takes into account all the vulnerabilities and weaknesses of humans in comparison to the transformers and what it would take to overcome such a vast difference in power and the fragility of human life by comparison to the Cybertronians.
Furthermore if you plan on pairing your character with one of the transformers - and I think that's what your planning - I really look forward to how you interpret their relationship: from how they develop their initial feelings and attraction (especially considering the enormous differences in physical preferences and attraction between the two species) to more complex issues like acceptance in the aftermath and so forth. And on another note, I think Cheetor is ADORKABLE and I'm glad you decided to go with that pairing rather than your typical Dinobot/OC storyline. It's a hard topic to tackle in general, but it can be pulled off if done well and I wish you luck with that.
OC's in general can be hard to pull off properly without making them seem like Mary-Sue's or self inserts, which is why most trans/fans I know steer clear of the majority of these fics. It certainly seems like you have a fairly well thought out character in the works so I don't think you'll have that problem.
If you don't mind, here are a a few general points to remember so that you don't end up with a ridiculously luckly/impervious OC:
1) Always remember that your OC is human and thus is highly vulnerable to ANY kind of weapon fired their way. Where a maximal or predacon may escape relatively unscathed from a few shots to the torso plating or wherever, a human would most likely die fairly quickly after only one. Either have Kyrie very good at getting out of the way when the energy cannons start blasting, or have her quick enough to dodge when needed - not all the time though, despite being completely incompetent the majority of the time Predacons have been known to land a few well aimed shots every few battles or so and, while rare, would hurt.
2)You said in your preview that Kyrie "keeps true to her father’s teachings" in order to survive. While this certainly gives her a necessary range of skills to survive living in Prehistoric Earth in the Beast Wars it can be dangerous ground. Take the time to do some research about what sort of survival skills would be available to her - from what I understand, she's the daughter of a military general but not in the military herself, so keep it to a minimal or give her just slightly more survival knowledge than your average teenager. (If my assumption was incorrect, I'm sorry for misunderstanding.)
3)Also remember that you're dropping her in the middle of a war scene and, unless you indicate otherwise, she's never been in a situation like this before, so don't have her immediately know what to do; have her scramble, have her be absolutely mind-numbingly TERRIFIED before she even thinks of how she's going to survive. Most girls I know would immediately crawl into the nearest cave and be scared absolutely shit-less (excuse the language) and would most likely start to wait for someone to rescue them before immediately going into survival mode. Maybe your OC is different and that's perfectly fine, but if she is give us an explanation why.
4) Tarantulas's obsession: while being everyone's favourite mad scientist and general creepy maniac extraordinaire, always remember that he never does anything without reason - even if the audience don't know what that reason is when the story begins. If he's going to develop an "avid interest" in Kyrie, give him a good reason why - not just because she's "vaguely unusual" - give a genuine reason and expand on it. That will really set you apart from the sub-par OC fics and it will create genuine interest in your character from the readers.
5)You have arachnophobia? Use that, maybe Kyrie has the same fear which makes this situation she's in with Tarantulas TEN TIMES WORSE (besides, who isn't afraid of spiders).
6)I like that you're following the timeline of the 2007-09 movie rather than tying into the G1 series as it happened in the show. Very original move, and its something you should be applauded for. That being said, if Optimus still gets his 3rd body, you're going to need a GRAND explanation to work with that. Also, in the movies, its said that Cybertron was destroyed, while its not in BW cannon, so be sure to remember that. Maybe say the transformers found a "New Cybertron", or that they simply stayed on Earth.
Of you don't mind a suggestion, since in Revenge of the Fallen, it's revealed that the Cybertronians encountered Earth much earlier than in the events of the 3rd movie, you could make a slight stretch of cannon and have them arrive on earth prior to the Beast Wars, rather than in ancient Egypt (or wherever). This would actually make more sense than the Beast Wars cannon, since the Ark was supposedly in North America and the Beast Wars in Africa, where the first humans emerged.
Or if you don't like that one, you could also use the Vok (creepy aliens) as a way to explain things. Such as focusing more on their attempts to exterminate the maximals and predacons. Perhaps in their attempts to destroy them, they accidentally altered time allowing Optimus to gain his new body as he did in BW cannon - or make up a completely different explanation along these lines. Whatever you decide.
7) One last thing before you kill me for leaving a review this long. The transwarp device: I'm ridiculously happy that you went with an actual identifiable object rather than some unspecified phenomenon or whatever that usually appears in these time travel stories. However I have two little things I need to pick at in regards to this:
devices (according to BW cannon and writers notes) wouldn't have survived, intact and with enough power to send anything back in time, after 4 million years, they just wouldn't.
2. These devices weren't around until after the Great War (again, according to the cannon). So having an old one lying around probably isn't going to happen in your timeline.
Again, if I could propose a solution; maybe you could have the Autobots and the humans experimenting with transwarp technology. And because they don't have it perfected, an accident occurs, thus sending Kyrie, unceremoniously through time and space. This would also, of course, allow for another subplot - in which her father is frantically searching for her, or even that her disappearance had huge consequences that would affect the future of the maximals themselves! Oh the drama.
Again, this all up to you, and feel free to ignore my suggestions if you don't like/agree with them.
Anyway, I hope I haven't killed you with this review. I promise I don't normally go on for this long! I hope my suggestions have helped you in some way and I really look forward to reading your story once you've published it.
Best of luck.
| VeekaIzhanez chapter 1 . 10/27/2009