|Reviews for the man in the black|
| katiebug1297 chapter 1 . 1/28/2010
What ElevenSailorGirl said. It just didn't make sense at all. Also, why did you write a review for yourself at the bottom?
And it's only two paragraphs. I agree with her/him. But if you made it longer and fixed it up and basically completely redid it then I would read it again.
| unused.and.vacated chapter 1 . 11/8/2009
That's really good! Was that your Spooky Story project?
| ElvenSailorGirl chapter 1 . 11/6/2009
First off, let me say that this review is mostly to tell you I have reported your story. It does not belong in this category. You stated that you knew as much in the summary. Therefore, I have reported it.
Secondly, in relation to the first point, Fictionpress exists for a reason. This seems like original work (though how original remains to be seen, considering that two paragraphs isn't really enough material to get that from) and therefore belongs there rather than in an unrelated category here.
Thirdly, I have actual comments on the content of the story and its title. Title case should be used for the title first off, so it should read The Man in the Black. Also, 'the Black' makes the title look as though it's missing a word, so it'd look better to have it read "The Man in Black" though then you run the risk of people think you're talking about Johnny Cash.
Grammatically, this has some errors, like seamed instead of seemed, and pleads instead of pleas. Also, dialogue should start with a capital letter. So, "No, please don't..." instead of how it is now.
What's more bothersome to me as a reader is the lack of logic exhibited in the beginnings of both paragraphs. In the first, you mention that the night is dark and eerie. Then in the very next sentence you state the moon is guiding your character home. If it is actually dark, the moon would not be full. If you had more description of the night, of where your character is or something, it might not bother me so much, but as it stands it's jarring and makes me as a reader go "Bwah?". As for the second paragraph, the character wakes up in daylight, then tries to convince his/herself he/she stayed at his/her friend's house. Why on earth would she not notice she was outside. As soon as he/she opened his/her eyes he/she would know that the sky was above him/her. Why would any convincing take place?
Also, who really counts the seconds before they blackout and then remembers it later? The answer to that is no one. Especially if they're being attacked by paranormal beings that they were sure up until then didn't exist.
Really, in all honesty, this reads like the outline for the beginning of a vampire story. The details are too scant and that makes things that might otherwise make sense seem completely illogical.
My suggestion is for you to take this down, flesh it out, and post it on Fictionpress. You'll likely get a bit more traffic, and it'll be the better for it. Good luck!
| vacated chapter 1 . 10/29/2009
i cant believe u wrote marcellus! now creepy stalkers will find u
| gothpunk105 chapter 1 . 10/29/2009
this story is kick ass! haha, this is myself again!